Growing Pains

I'm going through some funks growing pains and well, havent wanted to bring my moodiness to the blog. Part of me feels like I can't talk about how much I hate my job anymore and yes, I am actively looking for new employment. I'm just hoping my resumes dont end up in the same place the resumes we collect do, at the bottom of the trash!

I finally decided to do something about it, seriously, and now is where the second conundrum lies.I'm going back to school, the program I want to attend only starts in the fall, before I can even start the program, I need to take 11 pre-req's! 11.

so, technically, I could take all 11 before next Fall, ya know, if I want to gain all my weight back and be committed to a pysch ward, but at the same time, I can't imagine possibly being here any longer. granted, if my plans workout, I won't be here past December but ugh... it all just seems so very far, far away.

I'm tired of coming into work every day and just waiting my 8 hours away so that I can go back to my life. I want work to be a part of my life. 8 hours is a long time to "wait" away.

so, yeah, thats whats up with me...
already waiting away the next 8 hours... ;)

(Recommitment) Week 2 Weigh-In

up 2 lbs this week. not overly surprised since my loose rings are wedged on my fingers. yay! for sodium! thats ok though because this is bigger than just 1 weeks weigh-in. things are moving and shaking and I wish I could talk about it, but the timing isnt quite right which is also why I'm surprisingly ok with this gain. not much I can do about it anyways, right? got a great week planned and I'm fairly confident those 2 lbs plus some will be gone next Monday!

Mission: Keep the Weight Off! Day 2

Lets get the morning started with some coffee.. yes, this is a recycled photo from Thursday!

then something besides feetoatmeal.

- 1/3 c. egg or egg beaters, not really sure.
- 1.5 pcs of whole wheat toast, or what is passing as whole wheat toast + 1.5 packets of jam
- 1 pc of turkey sausage, or at least what I think is turkey sausage since there was another pan of bigger sausage.
- the cantalope I didn't eat since it wasnt ripe
- unpictured, another 1/3 of the orange juice.


lunch was pretty late at 2, and I had a run planned so I carbo-loaded.

- 1 pc. of vegetarian enchilada casserole - much more delicious than it looks!
- 1/2 c. seaweed salad


post-workout, pre-dinner snack:

-1/3 of this bag


dinner at our favorite vietnamese restaurant, Pho-Hiep Hoa in Silver Springs, MD appetizer
- 2 fried dumplings..yummy

main entrees, shared with my dad and i hate to admit we polished it off!
- meat platter
- spicy fried rice



and last but not least, dessert..shoot, I hadnt had one of these in ages!
 photo courtesy of GrubGrade

unfortunately, I'm still not sure if it was worth the 300 cals!??

oy vey... ladies and gents, I'm concerned...my rings are tight.. there is definitely some sodium retention going on here. the dinner was worth it but I just may have gone over the top with dessert. oh well, not much I can do about it now and to be fair, much better than in visits past and I got a workout in. so yay for that!!!

Mission: Keep off the weight!

Oy vey, don't get me started on Wednesday nights debacle.

Needless to say what would have cost me the same amount to take the Super Shuttle and get door-to-door service from Reagan to Walter Reed, took me 2 hours and $3 less with the Metro and a taxi!

That's ok because I woke up and felt ready to make a day full of great decisions!

Started off with some Starbucks coffee, and 4 creamers = 160 calories


Then breakfast was
    -1/2 c. (roughly) oatmeal,
    -1/3 c. granola,
    -1 packet peanut butter, and
    -maybe a 1/3rd or 1/4th of orange juice.
 Total: 354 calories


Lunch was a salad. I'm guessing the only calories in this is the shredded cheese and full fat ranch.
 Any guess on calories? I maybe only used half the ranch, and I'm guessing its full leaded shredded cheese.
Guesstimate calories: 220


Snack, calories: 150


Dinner, a BBQ was sponsored by some organization, Hope for Warriors, I believe and they brought in Famous Dave's.  Can you believe this was my first time eating them!? It was delicious! and I dont even like baked beans! I ended up leaving the bun off because it was just meh and the last thing I need to do is waste calories on meh-ness. No clue about calories. Oh and victory, I really wanted a second plate but didn't go back for seconds! YAY!!!!


Dessert, ate half of this italian ice.


Add in a hour workout and that ladies and gents, was my first day!!

ants in my pants

I'm a tad worried about my trip this week.

My caloric goal is anywhere from 1200 - 1550 and I can easily reach that just by the every day stuff I eat. So hell, with the eating out every day... fuck.. maybe now I know why I stopped tracking, because it was too damn depressing!

I'm determined though to not backslide this weekend so I'm trying a different approach. I did this last summer when I was out in New Jersey and maybe it'll help this time, I plan on taking pictures of everything I eat and posting it.

Breakfast will be the easiest for me to handle. I just have to remember to stay away from the hot bar, this is not vacation, nor is it a free for all. Eat your yogurt and cereal and call it a day. I can save the hot bar stuff  for Saturday morning when we go to Eggspectation.

For lunch we'll be eating at the hospital, so I'll try to stick to the "Lighter Lunch" they offer or the salad bar.

Dinner will be eaten out. One night  will be at the Vietnamese place, they have this amazing meat platter, which is actually fairly healthy, in my opinion, it only comes out to be maybe 3 to 4 oz. and the rest are julienned cucumbers, bean sprouts and lettuce wraps! My dad's been craving Mediterranean so maybe we'll try out Zaytinya on Friday and Saturday is still to be determined!

I'l have to add in some extra cardio since I've had to sit out the past two days due to having chemically straightened my hair Monday night and now I'm worried, the scale hasn't budged yet this week and now I'm going into the rest of the week scaleless!? aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

 I really want to see the 150's again but I also know what a huge victory it will be if I can survive the weekend without a gain. Maintaining would be huge.

HUGE!

patience is not my virture

peeps....be thankful I put off blogging because really, i was NOT a happy camper this morning.

not really sure why the scale was up this morning thanks to sodium but yeah, I've been in a funk and it didnt help that Home Goods nor Target had what I wanted. oh, and the wood worker canceled my appointment for tonight. I think that one sent me over the edge because I was really looking forward to meeting with him but oh well, what's one week longer!? I've been wanting this banquette for years now!

so yeah, I mentioned some drama in the Durch Dick und Duenn household last week, 'member!?

well.. it was all about Nate's our house. Nate's had it for 10 years now, and in that 10 years, we've done some renovations but some major stuff still needs to be done like tile the kitchen, it's currently rocking carpet, and a lime green bathroom from the 70's, just to name a few.

so yeah, I've been living there for 4 years now, roughly, and during those 4 years Nate has promised to do it. has it gotten done? no.

the house is roughly $100,000 underwater and Nate couldnt stand investing more money into it than he already had. let me state here that I understand and have been understanding of this the entire time, but......

I couldn't stand being in that house for longer if nothing else was going to get done. Out of the 8 rooms we have, I only love 2. The guest bedroom and master bath, we re-did together. The living room needs new furniture, the downstairs bathroom is beyond icky, and lets not start on the carpet in the kitchen, so I got myself a real estate agent, set up a meeting with mortgage dude and was moving towards buying my one place.

Nate, obviously, was quite upset, but I didnt want to fight about something we had argued about tirelessly for 2 years. Odd since I love to yell talk loudly. What can I say?! I was ready for change last week. Shit needed to get done because I felt like my life was passing by me!?

and so it happened, Nate must have known I meant business, because sometime on Saturday or maybe Sunday, he agreed to the list of reno's we needed to do, we set a budget and off I am!

For the amount of stuff we need to do, our budget is somewhat tight, but I am determined to make the dollar stretch and do as much as possible as we can. it's weird, finally, I feel like we are both back on the same page. I know its killing him to stay there, but the other option wasn't an option for him, so he's trying to deal with it the best he can. He's also not thrilled we may just bring workers in to do some of the work since he's been a traveling fool.

If I could snap my fingers and have it all done, I would, because goddamn I hate waiting!

At least I'll have some more exciting stuff to blog about!

(Recommitment) Week 1 Weigh-In

It's been a rough week in the Durch Dick und Duenn household but I'll spare you those details till tomorrow, instead lets about my fitness!

This week was fabulous! Seriously, I couldn't have been happier with how things turned out. I had a plan, and I stuck to it, 95% of the time.

On the fitness front, I managed 6 workouts which brought me about a 2900 calorie burn... whoot whoot!

Out of 35 meals, I committed to 30 of them. Meaning I forgot the bigger picture at 5 of them but still ate considerably less and better than perhaps I would have in the previous weeks.

All my hard work lent a 4 lb loss this week!

It sounds lame, but seriously, you have to recommit at every meal whether or not your going to stick to your plan to achieve what you want.

Is it hard work? It depends. I was prepared this week. Had all the right foods in the house, prepared my lunches when that is all set up, the rest is a cake a walk but when you arent prepared, is when the temptation rises.

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the second half of the week where I'm gonna be in D.C.

I am determined to see the 50's before the end of July and I know I can do this if I exercise some restraint while eating out and making sure I get all my workouts in both of which should be doable.

I can feel this week is gonna be just as good as this past week was!

Life and the pursuit of happiness

This has got to be the 3rd or 4th post I started since Monday and somehow I just cant get the words to flow freely. It sounds weird that I cant seem to tell my story, maybe too much time has passed and I just dont want to rehash it and yet it's been such an influence on my life that it doesnt seem fair that I wouldn't share it with you guys.

Lets start with last night, after the gym I came home and made myself dinner, sat on the couch catching up on this past weeks episode of Drop Dead Diva which then turned into The Hills Aftershow, at 7:45 I realized that this is bullshit. Why am I wasting my time watching The Hills Aftershow when I'm so miserable with my own life? Sure, I use it to escape but in the end, it only makes me feel worse about myself, so I shut it off and began studying for the Group Fitness Certification, around 8:30, I started cleaning up my ever messy craft room.

Not sure if it was the brainlessness of The Hills, or maybe it had been a thought that had been swirling around my head for weeks, maybe even monthes, I can't keep complaining about all the thinsg I dislike in my life when i'm not willing to make them better. I cant say I'm afraid of hardwork, I've done my share and yet now everything just seems like so much work. I'm sure it's not, it's just me having to create a new routine.

I don't want to be a bum on a log.
I dont want to continuously whine about how much I hate my job.

I want to enjoy life and right now I don't. I need to work on that. I will work on that.

taboo

I've refrained from talking about my  weight, mainly because I'm embarrassed at how out of control it has gotten, but also because I would have never guessed I'd be backsliding and definitely not at such an exceedingly fast pace. Statistically 80% of all weight-losers will gain lost weight back, if not more, within 2 years of having lost the weight and yet, I still feel this extreme shame in having gained some back.

For once I felt like I had conquered this monster inside of me, and sure, perhaps I do have some excuse to having gained some weight back, but unfortunately 15 lbs is well beyond the acceptable range of stress weight.

As much as I want too, I cant pretend I havent gained 15 lbs back. I need to talk about it to make it very real because the longer I hide behind my computer or from people, the longer I won't do anything about it. Its the pink elephant in the room that no one wants to address even though everyone knows what has happened.

I need to stare the scale in the eye and do something about it.

I'm going back to some of the basics that helped me last summer... green monsters for breakfast (god, I was so sick of these by the end of last fall and yet today it was extremely refreshing!), unprocessed foods for the rest of my meals, nothing... my body has gone back to craving sugar and i need to break that cycle. I was most successful when I lead a clean diet.I can get back there. I just need to be disciplined and remember that I've done this before and I can do it again.

I'm also going back to weekly Monday weigh-ins, my weight started stalling when I switched my weigh-ins to Friday, ya know...so that I could start enjoying the weekends again (bad mistake!). Having a Monday weigh-in kept me focused over the weekend because I wanted to see all my hardwork pay off, it also got me to the gym Sundays, something I've been slacking on!

The biggest thing I need to remember though is that, these 15 lbs won't just drop off. I've put them on since April 1st and it may well just take me that long to get them off again, and it's ok. I am in no competition and maybe this will be a friendly reminder to not fall off the wagon again.

This sucks.

This truly royally sucks but I have to forge onwards or else I'll be back here at 188+ pounds.

superstitions

i dont believe in too many nor am i devoutly religious but I truly believe that we aren't given situations that we can't handle.

sure, maybe we havent been stretched as far as this particular circumstance but... we are being thrown this particular situation because it usually prepares us for the next major crises.

I also believe that my best years happen to fall on odd endings like 2009, and well even years usually arent my best for example 2010.

and last but not least, all bad things usually come in 3's.

1. My dad
2. Karin (this one of the situations I have yet to blog about, but thats coming up soon I swear!)
3. Nate's grandpa passed this past weekend.

I swear, it's just not ending right now. Every time I think I'm ready to create some calm in my life, something else goes off. I'm stretched as thin as I can get right now and I dunno. I'm feeling all kinds of things but a lot of them are guilt and resentment and yet somehow I was till able to have a pretty fab weekend with everything that has happened.

Off to DC tonight then back on Friday for the viewing, Saturday is the funeral and Sunday is Nate's Dad's 60th. A million miles a minute and somehow I have to figure out a way to get back on wagon!

mandatory update

Please forgive me readers, I'm stressed and the last thing I want to do is write posts and read blogs.

For a Michigander, you look forward to summer all winter long and unfortunately, I have yet to really enjoy this summer. Either my weekends are spent traveling to and fro DC or I'm so overbooked with people to see and things to do, I'm not truly enjoying the weather.

On top of that, I've been quite down. There is a lot that has happened the last 5 weeks, a lot I left out because I just wasn't sure how to say it or bring it up, but I want to address these items soon because I think they are playing a key role in my battle with the scale.

I hate to admit that I'm seriously battling the scale. The 12,11,9.5lbs I've gained are weighing heavily on me and everytime I seem to make a small dent, I'm back to either traveling, constant dinner-out plans or other unnecessary yet fun food filled adventures. I have to remind myself that it was this time last year that I decided to do something about my weight. I made it through a lot of food filled events and I can do it again. I just need to do it,

If Nate and I decide to not attend the 4th of July parade on Sunday, it will be the 1st day in a while that we have absolutely NOTHING to do. Gosh, I need that. I just want to be able to putz around, tend to my flower garden that I had to hastily put in and other stuff that I just dont get to anymore!


Have a great 4th of July everyone!!