what should of been

I was expecting to get to D.C. and have a very chill weekend. Maybe some Scrabble, some PT and hope that with all of us there, my dad might just work a tad bit harder.

Little did I forsee that within hours of us arriving, they'd discover a tad too much fluid in his pericardium and that he'd need to go into surgery Saturday morning, on a Holiday weekend! That has me thinking that even though the surgeons "aren't concerned" that it must be somewhat of a concern because two weekends ago, nuthin was goin on a weekend!

within seconds I was drained, over-ordered yet thankfully didnt totally overeat at dinner while nearly falling asleep at the table.

god.. let today be a better day!

clever titles do work!

155  

BOOOOOOOOOOyah!

Two days to the gym so far this week and it's amazing how much better I feel!

I restarted Turbulence Training again and actually made it to the second workout... not sure how I am going to go back to Workout A since the hotel gym has no weights but I'm hoping I can use bands as replacements. It's funny just even after 2 workouts, I feel like my thighs are just a tad tighter than they were last week.

Had a Lean Cuisine today for the first time in over a year... and hot damn... not like I'm missing anything but I'm thirsty! No.. it really wasn't too bad though and I supplemented it with cut up veggies on the side. Plus, it beat eating out. I wanted too... but neither a Pei Wei or a Noodles & Co. are near where I work so it worked out.

I'm feeling good, empowered and ready to tackle another stressful weekend!
I need to remember one meal or workout at a time!

amy - "if you mention oral sex in your titles you get extra comments"

156.5
whew... that number is going into more reasonable ranges...

It's funny that both Food(Freudian slip I swear!) and Susan both asked if I were taking care of myself, because frankly I'm not! Unless of course you considering inhaling massive amounts of Girl Scout cookies to be caring for myself!?

hihihihihi... no seriously though I think the scale, but moreso my clothes, have been a good indicator that I need to prioritize myself again but as we all know, sometimes cutting out the gym time seems to be the one area that is most expendable.

My workouts had already been shoddy well before my dad's situation, so my body has already begun breaking down in ways I hadn't expected. Guess that ab work had been paying off... while I was away, I only fit in 1 workout, the other 2 or 3 days, I couldn't fathom dragging myself out of bed to use their crappy gym, and by the time I got home at 9:30 at night, we usually were rushing out to grab take-out.

My eating was ok. Not so great Sunday and Monday, mainly because I was trying to deal with the fact that my dad looked horrible, and I wasn't really quite sure how to take everything in. Not sure what the Army has going on with the Girl Scouts but there are cookies everywhere! And any place you go, they always ask if you want a box (probably because they can't handle to gain anymore Girl Scout Cookie weight!), so uhm yeah I may have eaten a box or two of Girl Scout cookies alone the first two days. Sunday I also indulged in some chicken fingers and fries from the cafeteria (even though they have a decent salad bar!) and a Club sandwich for dinner. Needless to say, neither of them comforted me. The rest of the time I did fairly well..

Breakfast was typcally a Dunkin Donuts flatbread sandwich or a Subway breakfast sandwich. Lunch (after the first day) was salad or on Wednesday I had some amazing seaweed salad, and then dinner was whatever restaurant was close. Two nights we ate at the hotel bar, they had surprisingly good food, decently priced too! One night Chipotle (salad!) and another night Thai. The portions werent ever crazy but we all know how bad it is to eat late and then go right to bed.

So yeah... 3 meals out for like 4 days, and then the weekend was spent eating out because of familial obligations and believe it or not, it's becoming hard to eat at home again. God... eating out saves so much time! I forgot that this used to be my life. Eating out multiple times a week... given the circumstances, I'm actually doing ok. Not perfect, but this is life right now, I can't change it so I have to deal with it.

The struggle this past week at home has been the snacking...some chips here (which I dont keep in the house - dont want to go down that road again) or how about a snack size mcflurry there (god I just discovered those last Thursday and I hate to admit how many I've had since then....) but I'm trying to take it day by day and it's working..slowly but surely...

just another bump in the road, but I'm proving myself. I'm proving that I've figured some stuff out along the way.

much needed update!

157.5

so I guess I should update eh?! Ive been back in town since Thursday evening since I had to be back at work on Friday. Not sure why everyone was surprised to see me but I knew my boss had had originally planned to be off and I guess she didn't anticipate me to be back (even though I did tell her via email but I guess I wasn't clear ?)

Life's been crazy since then. Nate had fam from out of town in Friday night that we needed to spend time with Saturday was pretty chill; we planned a BBQ with my fam since we will be in DC over Memorial Day weekend. Sunday was spent with Nate's fam again since one set of Nate's grandparents were in the hospital and this week is just spent trying to get caught up on stuff that I should have done last weekend or this upcoming weekend... to say I am stressed would be an understatement but I'm trying to navigate it hour by hour!

but ya'll wanna hear about  my dad right? He didn't end up having his major arm surgery on Wednesday because we found out that he had a double pulmonary embolism as well as pneumonia. I was devastated..I mean doesn't it just sound bad?! I mean, it's not great but it's not life threatening if controlled. Oh, and to explain what it is, it's a blood clot in the lungs that restricts oxygen absorption. With all of that they decided to postpone his surgery until maybe Friday?!

Tuesday or Wednesday he got put on an actual food diet which was great even though for the first two days he more less just chose fruit and cottage cheese. He does have to drink like 6 Boost drinks to maximize protein intake but overall he seems to be doing really great.

Friday he not only had his arm surgery but they closed up his chest wounds too!!! yay!!

My uncle came down Thursday and has been with him since, and I guess the physical therapist is having him practice walking the length of his room so thats great. My dad's doing really great even with the minor setback. It's really all about recovery now and...... he got moved out of the ICU ward!! Yay!! He's now in a step down Cardio unit (not sure what that means except that they still monitor his respiratory and heart vitals?)

So in that respect everything seems to be doing ok. I'm definitely thrilled that it's not as bad as I expected it to be when I first heard the news. If anything I just feel guilty I cant be there constantly. Oh, and did I mention the nurses only added to my guilt? "What, your leaving already? Can't your employer give you time off?" Uhm, yeah I can take off, if I'm alright with not getting a paycheck biotch!

Anywhoo...more thoughts tomorrow on traveling, exercise, weight loss and military food!

dreary, rainy Silver Springs, MD

just a quick update since i'm running late.

these past 2 days have been so emotionally draining that by the time i get back to the hotel btw 9 and 9:30 pm all i want to do is sleep. and then i sleep right thru the night.

my dad's doing ok. when i first saw him Sunday, it was wow. he looked shrunken together even though every extremity is swollen like crazy, and on top of that he looked like death. his skin was this horrible grey-ish color but by the end of the day he had his normal coloration back.

unfortunately by the time we got in yesterday, later because he was in the OR, he had been setback a tad. he was back on tubes, which he was fighting like crazy. removed from his clear drinks diet and just not as chipper as he had been the day before. the in-charge nurse said this could be the standard with OR surgeries and stuff but still, it was disheartening.

tomorrow he has a major surgery planned to start the healing process of his humerus so we'll have to see what happens.

thanks for all the well wishes, emails, etc.. i'm unforunately just too exhausted to email back right now.

Stand Up and Finish What You Started - Bob Harper

I'm gaining weight. there, I said it.

I've tried multiple intro's but the reality is, I'm gaining weight.

My eating hasn't been horrific. If anything it's just eating out too much, not eating regularly enough so that when I do eat I'm famished and shoving, shoving, shoveling it in, but lets not forget something else I did a lot of it this past month...drinking! god..i do love a good drink but unfortunately my picks pack quite the caloric punch and combine that with not enough exercise = weight gain!

so,

1. i've lost a lot of muscle mass and this truly is the most upsetting thing about all of this. ugh.. i've become flabby. too flabby for my taste. pants are tight in places they havent been in ages!
2. i need to lose at least the weight i've put on this past month!
3. i'm either losing weight and gosh darn it I'm gonna do it or I'm calling it quits and stopping the weekly weigh-ins!

The original plan was to kill it this summer, have the end date be Aug. 31st, when my dad was supposed to come back and I've decided to go forth with that. If I can't get near my goal weight by then, then c'est la vie.

I'm also changing the formatting, instead of weekly weigh-ins, I'm going to post my weight every time I post, I hope it will give me some inspiration to stay on course throughout the week instead of just Tuesday- Thursday night! It will be the first thing in a post but for today....157.5

Sure, it's partially about the number but its about the fact that I'm just not feeling as confident as I have been. I hate that my skinny jeans are considerably tighter around my thighs and hips, and now with school being over, there is no excuse to not get this weight off!

Update on my dad: He's en route to DC. I'll be flying out sometime this weekend till at least the middle of the week and from then on, I'll just have to see how things are going/progressing. My work is being phenomenal and letting me take a laptop to check email and do some work. At least I won't have to use all vacation/unpaid time off quite yet!

anywhoo... enjoy the weekend, it's supposed to be gorgeous out here! 

light at the end of the tunnel

I should have udpated earlier but yeah.. I've been getting more calls now than I did on Tuesday.

So, he arrived in Landstuhl yesterday at 6PM our time, but the physicians hadn't had gotten to see him yet but nothing had changed while enroute from Bagram. Good. I told them they needn't call me at midnight but they could just touch base with me in the morning.

I looked forward to this particular call since I had given them plenty of time to do something, and so I was thrilled that when at 8 I got a call from the caseworker. You see, yesterday I called after I hadnt heard anything from them by 9 (in their defense, he was supposedly getting a status update from Bagram), but today they were early. First, I was asked whether I had talked to anyone at the hospital and if I hadn't they would put me through, but (secondly) that he was scheduled to depart Landstuhl tomorrow, 7 AM our time to head to Walter Reed medical center in DC.

so then I finally got to speak to a Doctor!

She was truly amazing. She had been there since my dad had gotten in and was beyond willing to take her time and speak to me. What sort of irks me though is when they are like... well, how much do you know? To me its always like...well, what wasn't I told?! So I told her what I told you guys yesterday and from there she gave me a small recap and gave me their diagnosis.

His crucial injuries were sustained to his right chest, shoulder and thigh. The doctors in Bagram must have assumed that due to the immense amount of blood loss that an artery had been hit so thats why they broke his sternum, but no it doesnt look like the heart was directly affected. GOOD!!! so they are continuing with the washing of the wounds and then attaching a wound vaccuum. His humerous and clavicle were also fractured so they are concnered about blood clots (he actually has 1 in his arm) so he's put on a blood thinner. Then I guess during the transport his blood pressure dropped so they elevated it again and now he's on a beta blocker which supposedly lowers it. he's waking up sporadically but not responding to commands but we shouldn't worry about any neurological issues since nothing indicates there will be any but that it's the sedation thats causing the unresponsiveness. so... it seems positive. i mean, as positive as the situation can be.

Then at lunch time, I  received a call from a Reservist Colonel, he wasn't sure if anyone had already called me and since he saw my number on my dad's board, he thought he'd call to tell me what excellent care he is under and that although he will probably have to go undergo a few more surgeries once in DC, he's doing overall well. That he himself understands the stress I've been under and that if I need anything to call, and I wondered then where someone like him was when I received the devastating news.

The girl who called me at 20 till midnight Monday night was, in my opinion, unprepared to deliver such devastating news. She stuttered and sputtered and had me believing my dad was on his last breath. True, the notes she probably received were scribbled and hastily written, but to wake someone up and give such news, I'm sorry but you need a special touch and that she did not have.

so yeah I'm back to waiting... waiting to see if he really does get out tomorrow, and then waiting to see if I can go visit him. As of right now due to the fact that he's at a high infection rate, they arent letting even the Doctors in without full surgery gear on. I dont really want to burn through my vacation sitting around DC without being able to actually see my dad so I'm not really sure whats going to happen. I have a feeling it could all happen Saturday afternoon so I'm trying to prepare work as well as everything else so I can be ready to go.

and once again... thank you, thank you so much for caring, reaching out and praying for him. it's stuff like this that truly puts all the other dumb stuff into perspective. I need to remember that when I stress about the scale or something else trivial.

i promise to write about something weight related tomorrow.. it's long overdue and should have been up on Monday but I was too consumed in my own self-pity because of the scale! ha! had I only known what would hit me later that evening... insanity I tell you!

Update on my dad

First off, thank you, thank you, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.

I sometimes doubt this on-lime community of ours and yet when I needed you guys the most, ya'll came through for me. I'm truly overwhelmed by your support. ...snifflesniffle....

The past 34 hours have been hellish..

I ended up going to work because what was I going to do for those 7 hrs and 45 min when I was waiting for the next update. I'm glad I went, granted I cried a lot, but the monotony helped and it really was the best thing to do. I even went to the gym after work...yay 2 days in a row now! Don't get me wrong, I can't not think about whats going on, it's always there in the back of my head but I know the best option is to continue on with life until I can actually do something to help my dad.

I think the worst part is not knowing...

• not knowing what "stable but critical means" because to me that is an oxymoron but I'm beginning to think that any injury related to the heart is considered critical.
• not knowing when he can get moved because honestly, I wouldn't wish my worst enemy into a combat zone hospital. sure it's good for temporary care but I'd feel much better knowing he's in a 1st world country's hospital instead.
• hating that everyone wishes you a good day after such devastating news because really peeps I AINT HAVIN A GREAT DAY!

However, I did just get the GREAT news is he is being airvacced now as we speak to Germany. YAY!!!!

so now comes another set of waiting, but honestly I am so relieved to know he's being moved out of the combat zone and someplace more civilized. ugh... that truly was the greatest stressor.

the next step is planning a visit, but without knowing his diagnosis, I can't plan too much. I'm not sure what his stay is going to be like and without that I don't really want to plan for anything, but it could mean I'm heading to Germany the next few days. I'm just trying to go through a normal day, planning and preparing for a leave if I need to, and for those updates.

once again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all your thoughts and prayers. It means so much to me and my family.

worst nightmare came true

Nate and I were laying in bed, giggling over the mouse adventure that had just played out in our kitchen/living room when the phone rang.

I expected it to be my mom, telling me how much she loves the bowls I bought her for Mother's Day (yes, she had been sending pic texts and various other texts proclaiming her love for these bowls) but I knew it was more serious when Nate started stalling on the phone.

Who is this? .... It's awfully late.... What is this regarding?

Department of the Army.

my dad's bunker had been hit by a shrapnel bomb. he is in serious critical condition. surgery has been performed but he needs to be airlifted out, either Germany or Hawaii. we'll keep you updated. have a good night.

I'm at a work today because there is nothing I can do but wait every 8 hrs for the status update.


I ask, beg of you to keep my dad and my family in prayers. 

I really dont know what else to say. I'm shocked.

Confessional

tonight for the first time in weeks, yes weeks, i prepared my lunch.

and. i. hated. every. single. minute. of. it.

granted it only took a mere half hour, but damn, that already seemed like too much time.

my life has been very full lately. i like being busy. it makes me feel alive and full but at the same time, I'm reaching my limit. this past weekend was a whirlwind, and i called in on Monday because I just needed some time. I got that but I still need more time. I feel a tad burnt out.

i know how time consuming it is to workout and prepare meals but the reality is those are key components to weight loss, permanent weight loss, and after this mornings weigh-in, I need to get back to it.

This summer is going to be a blast that will include drinking and good times but I need to remember that for the 20% that I party, I need to be spot on the rest of the 80% of the time. I need to start now getting back into it, it's just so damn easy to let one day of slothfulness turn into 2, then 5, and then 10.

Today was good, tomorrow will be better.