Weigh -In #41

after all that hype, I expected something but it wasn't meant to be and honestly I'm coming off a rough 15 hours emotionally.

i get worked up easily, freak out, scream, cry... ugh... not the greatest time for that, but right now I'm ok. lets see how i'm doing this afternoon.

anywhoo... no change. still at 154.5 and i cant wait for normalcy to return to my life!

have a good one ya'll!

focus

I feel like my old self is finally returning. I finished off my first class last night and feel so relieved. I've already mentally checked out of this semester but to actually have it done with. uh-maz-ing i tell you!

I really dont know how moms, working full time still find time to go to school and workout. I've seriously been beside myself and can't wait to wrap up what I started last July. I'd say 5 months in the 150's has been plenty of time!

I started Turbulence Training at the recommendation of a friend, ya that's you Lola!, and wow... I did my first day two days ago and I still feel my triceps. Hot damn it feels good. It's been a while since I've felt the soreness of a good strength workout.

So yeah I quit Jillian's 30 Day... I just really, really hate working out home, and I try all the time to convince myself otherwise but it just ends up with me doing nada. NADA. I need to accept this and move on.

Busy next few days, nail appointment before class today, then gym after class, rehearsal dinner tomorrow afternoon, wedding on Saturday and Sunday a final hurrah before the out of town family members go home. Good times, good times but I'm ready for a break in this craziness I've been calling life!

see ya'll tomorrow for weigh-in!! hopefully i've got some good results, i've put my best foot forward!

The Hangover

We won't discuss my lame bachelorette party or how the bride wore converse sneakers and that I somehow ended up at some crazy Mega 80's party. just so ya'll know, I'm a more pop lock me, drop me type of person. ghetto I know, but thats what you get for growing up so close to the border of Detroit...;)

anywhoo... on the way home from the theater, the bride and groom were calling/texting and hot damn..all hell was breaking lose. the groom was all worried that something was gonna happen to his bride when really a party at Chuck-E-Cheeses would have been more dangerous. Needles to say all of a sudden a 'fun' evening turned sour when the conversation turned to what a jerk the groom was being (yeah... it was the booze the guys had been drinking since noon!) or if she would have acted towards him the way he did to her she would never hear the ended of it so as I am already planning my quick stop to Meijer to pick up some Edy's single serve Peanut Butter ice cream the bride receives the fateful text, the grooms being taken to the ER.

At that point, all we knew was that the groom hurt his leg somehow. as shes freaking we out, the other girls are trying to assure her that its probably a stubbed toe magnified in all that drunken stupor and all i can do is be grateful that nates probably already passed out because when it comes to bachelor parties, that boy can not pace himself. but yeah...that was not the case instead he had to act as peacemaker in various shenanigans that include but were not limited to wrestling, boxing, throwing and punching stuff and other dumb bullshit 35 yr old men shouldn't be doing.

so yeah...it's bad folks. BAD... as in he broke his tibula. how about them apples?! not really sure what it means for the wedding and uhm stuff, but I have a feeling its not good. I know the bride is not only pissed but beyond furious, which I would be too but yeah. A week before the wedding.

i told nate to pay attention because if he came home the week before the wedding with a broken leg (because of his bachelor party), i'd sure as hell break the other one.

and i wonder why he hasnt proposed to me! ;)

Weigh In #41

I can't believe another week has gone by! I swear... this week flew by and this upcoming one will too! the wedding is next Saturday and part of me is glad when its over. i haven't been that heavily involved but hot damn... just hearing about the drama is enough for me!

so where am i?! i had this weird epiphany earlier this week, that i just need to chill the duck out and celebrate that I'm maintaining my weight. God, I mean considering I've been eating and drinking pretty much all of April and this past week included no exercise (trying to heal my calf)so hells yeah. Give me a round of applause folks!!

When I look back on it, it's pretty amazing. Not easy, but I'm still trying to figure it out, ya know. When I have a great weekend of food and drink, sometimes I just want to carry it into the week (which I think is normal?), its then that I really have to focus on making the right choices. That and with all the engagements, i pretty much have not been making any of my lunches. I'm literally living off of peanut butter sandwiches for lunch because I can just grab that stuff as I'm running out the door in the morning.

The more I trust myself and realize that the 150's are here to stay, the easier it gets. It's just working through all that other crap.

but yeah, I really need to get back into the gym. I had no real excuse to not do Jillian's 30 Day Shred, sure I couldn't have done the cardio portion but I could have done the weights. The DVD just really didn't grab me, part of it could be that I just really struggle with working out at home and now I feel doughy. As in where did my bicep go?! and whoa... how about some bra strap fat?! and outer thigh fat.

I'm just feeling really good right now (and part of it is that I love my make-up!!! oh god seriously, its amazing and I dont have to hide my face to hide all that scarring!!), albeit doughy, but I need to be positive. I need to channel this energy I have.

so, this week I lost 0 lbs! keeping me at 154.5!

big weekend plans:

• dinner tonight at 42 Degrees North in Detroit with another couple for Detroit Restraunt Week. Lets hope it's better than Da Adoardo/Foxtowne Grille was!
• bachelorette party tomorrow night.. I'd be more ecstatic but my own good friend decided to back out and won't be there tomorrow night so I'm thinking the plus is that I won't get completely crunk!
• and last but not least....WORKING OUT!!!!!

yes.. I am quite excited to get my drank on... oh lord...gotta live it up because May will be all about pushing the nose to the grindstone!

have a great weekend everyone!!

sigh of relief

I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulder. I got my big project and a quizam taken care of last night so the rest of the semester is more or less smooth sailing. Sure I still have finals but eh, I'm doing ok in the classes that I just don't really want to stress about anything else anymore.

I kept my Doctors appointment even though my calf has been feeling better since Saturday, maybe Sunday? I guess after my back dilemma, I'm all about preventative care. Not that the Doctor was able to tell me anything definite but he gave me some good advice. Advice that really applies to my whole journey but yeah... it's not really something I like to hear...

You've been out for a week. Try jogging a mile, then maybe the next day a mile a half. Lets see if this injury was running related. Don't go balls to the wall.

And thats what I typically do, all or nothing, even though that frequently leaves me doing nothing but reverting to old habits. I'm already missing out on one race this season, I don't want there to be any more. 

Other than that I'm doing ok. I'm spending a lot of time reflecting on me, my journey, my body obsession, how I'm constantly comparing myself to others. I sometimes think the blog world magnifies certain obsessions of mine so I've stepped back a little. I'm still reading, not as much as I used to but I'm here.

Speaking of obsessions with some birthday  money I finally went out and bought Bare Escentuals, or minerals, is it!? I don't know but wow...I LOVE IT!! Holy cow. There's definitely a learning curve involved but it hides my acne scars so well, leaves my face non-oily and I feel so much better! Does anyone else use this? I just bought the starter kit and have read that using the kabuki brush may be better for applying the foundation? Thoughts? Does anyone else use any of the other makeup they make for eyes, etc?

anyways, just a small update and hopefully i'll be back to posting more! tomorrow for sure!

Peace of Cake

I've got a whole lot of nothing right now, besides being stressed with school, hating my job, I'm also trying to figure shit out.

I dont know if I give off the air that I know what I'm doing or that I'm cured from a fat girl mentality (mainly because I know people would never classify my former weight as fat but thats another post for another day) but the reality is, I'm struggling with it more now than ever.

I know being thin cant make me happy, but I thought that it would perhaps ease up some of the issues I dealt with but the reality is no. It doesn't, at. all.

If anything, I'm definitely more paranoid now than ever before to not gain it back. I have more feelings of "I feel fat" now than I did when I was 188 lbs. That I won't ever be thin enough or that I won't be able maintain a weight that I want to achieve. That I will never find peace with myself.

and that's really want I want right now, PEACE.

peace with myself.

Weigh In #40

I've been a tad melancholy and trying not to drown my sorrows in food.

I'm not sure if it's the upcoming birthday or the fact that I'm extremely overwhelmed right now with school, finals are coming up, I have more engagements (which I love don't get me wrong!) than I've had the entire first quarter of the year, my birthday, a wedding May 1st, and possibly my FIRST injury this season!

ugh...this one is really killing me because I think it's bad. like no cardio bad! I noticed it first on Tuesday morning, which has me wondering if it was the step class I took on Monday, but I am having a hard time extending my right knee/leg because the tissue or muscle on the back of the knee is so tender! I thought it was just sore so I worked out with it on Wednesday but yeah...its NOT getting better. I'm making an appt for Monday and trying to stay off it until then. God... pelase dont let it be an injury! I wanted to run my first 5K next weekend!

and on to weighty matters, I gained 0.5 lbs this week, bringing my weight up to 154.5.

I don't have a lot to say so I'm cutting it short, have a great weekend ya'll!

Points of View

I was having a conversation regarding weight loss with someone, or mainly she was whining and complaining that she wasn't losing, but possibly gaining (she was refusing to weigh herself again for fear of what the scale would say) even though she was abstaining from her weekly haunts of On The Border, infrequent visits to Red Lobster and other various 'goodies'.

So me, knowing, that although she has given up those devilish ways, she isn't really doing anything to actively lose weight and I told her as such and she enthusiastically yells (as well as one can over text) that "[she] IS NOT LIVING".

how can you argue with someone who considers living to equate to eating out at least twice weekly at a place like On The Border while drinking pitchers of margaritas?! you can't reason with someone like that but that's not the point of my story, it's just a great premise to my current situation.

Did I live last fall? I did,       but I also overhauled and restricted my diet more than I am now.

I went from eating out multiple times a week, to only once.
I more or less completely cut out alcohol and I got into a routine of working out intensely 4 to 5 times a week.

was I not living life? eh, no. I was pretty determined to lose the weight and I was still going out and enjoying myself but I didn't feel like I was missing out. I was mentally ready to make that change and commitment.

my current weight 'struggle' isn't induced because I'm eating crap or working out less (ok, maybe there is some truth to that), but the reality is a few changes have occurred:

• I'm drinking much more frequently than I've used.
• We are re-introducing restaurants that I quit going to in the fall. 
• My workouts although still regular aren't as tough on my body as they used to be. My cardiovascular conditioning has greatly improved and I just don't have the time to throw myself into a more challenging workout routine.

Yes, my weight loss has more or less come to a complete halt and although I am not necessarily happy about that, I can't complain at all because I'm simply  not working for it right now.

Isn't it crazy to think I can keep on doing the same thing I used to do and still receive the same results?! Of course it is! So yes, in some respect it is unfair that I can't eat drink and be merry like when I weighed 188 lb. I do sometimes miss the spontaneity that I experienced when I ate and drank what I wanted (mainly because of last minute dinner or drink plans), but I don't miss the dislike I had for me at my then weight. The struggle of not fitting into anything and even though shopping is still an extreme bitch, I'm happier than I have been in years.

I dunno, life and the art of living changes when you undergo a major change like losing weight, and although you will miss certain aspects of your former life, you gain so many things out of the one you begin to carve out for yourself that those easily get overshadowed.

Then again it all depends on how you view the journey your embarking on to begin with. You either want it or you don't and when you do, it's easier to see the things you are gaining far outweigh those you are giving up.

Weigh In #39

REALLY?! I have no clue how I gained 4 lbs this week?!

It wasn't the most stellar week, but a 4 lb gain!?

Insanity, and yet...

I don't care.

Ok, maybe just a tad, but I'm still within my own, personal target so it's ok.

You see, I don't want to be that person anymore that stresses about a number, a lower number.

I look back at when I was thin and wish I would have just enjoyed it instead of constantly wishing for something even thinner. I refuse to stress out because today I may be a few pounds heavier than last week. I know I didn't eat 4,000 calories worth of food and I'm done beating myself up over a god damn number.

I know the candy needs to be scaled back and that my workouts lagged this week, and that is what I need to concentrate on for this upcoming week.

Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred

So, Iv'e been pretty stressed and crazed lately that it seems that any gym workout longer than a half hour isnt possible. Not only do I have a wedding in oh, 26 days, but for me the 1st of May symbolizes the start of Summer.

That means two things:

1. I want to be in tip top shape not only for the wedding but duh for the beginning of Summer.
2. If I haven't lost the weight by then, there could be a good chance, I'm not losing a whole lot during summer because if it's anything like April and May, I'm double booked most weekends.

That means one thing only, I need a short and to the point workout and world had it, Jillian Michaels might be able to help me.




I know I know, I'm very late on this bandwagon since I just now had to buy the DVD but after having read a lot of great reviews on the program I knew this was something I could commit to and who doesn't have at least 30 minutes?!

Here are my starting measurements:
Chest: 32"
Waist: 31"
Hips:39"
Bicep: 12"
Upper Thigh: 24"
Lower thing: 19"

I 'missed' yesterday since I didn't want to get my hair all sweaty before brunch and by the time I got home I was ssoo stuffed I was worried I might throw up while doing it, but I'm back at it today and in theory already half way through the First Level! hot damn is this going to fly by!

Level One seems fairly easy, I've noticed that my shoulders are exceptionally week in comparison to the rest of my body. The lightest weights I have are 5 lbs and those are killer for any of the shoulder workouts whereas if I use them for biceps or even chest exercises they seem a tad light.

This is a huge challenge for me though because I am not one to workout every day. Not only that but I find it very difficult to commit to something for 3029days in a row, but it's been great so far and I'll report back at the end of the First Level.

So hit me up ladies, who else has done the 30 Day Shred? Experiences? Thoughts?!

Weigh-In #38

so, I've been fairly quiet about this, but since poor Amy is probably tired of me telling her this..

I CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH FOOD I AM GETTING WITH SPARKPEOPLE!!!!

Seriously, I've been struggling with WW for a while now. For some reason I just can't wrap my head around the 21 Daily Points and somehow those Weeklies and Activities never seem to last! So, yeah, the minute I go over, I feel guilty, and then when I've plowed through my Weeklies and Activities, I usually quit tracking, and this is all well before my week is over.

In my opinion though that was NOTHING compared to the hunger I constantly felt. Seriously.. it was just insane how I was always hungry. Looking back I'm thinking that a lot of my binging had to do with the fact that I was always hungry and that by the time I got home I just wanted to eat. So I tried an experiment.

Everything I tracked WW style, I also tracked caloric-ally. I tried the Lose It! app that Kath approved but too many foods weren't in the database and honestly, I didn't have the patience to input new food items, so on a wild idea, I searched for Sparkepeople in the app store and lo and behold they had an app! and for free!! what's better than that!?

so yeah, I've been tracking since Monday and not only am I eating more, but I'm eating foods I haven't eaten in months! Your probably wondering what, a frozen California Pizza Kitchen.. I love them so much, but they were so freakin high in Points that I never felt ok in my choosing them. Calorie wise, they only made up 1/3 of my daily calories so I was not only able to eat that for dinner but have breakfast, lunch and snacks!

The past week has been very eye opening at truly how much I had been dieting and limiting certain foods. Not only that but it really created an obsession in my world where all I focused on what I couldn't eat, what I shouldn't eat, what I wanted to eat whereas now I'm just eating. Yes, I am still checking out the nutritional info but more often than not, I realize I can pretty much work anything into my 'diet'.

so, what does that mean for the scale this week?

I lost 1.5 lbs!!! 

which brings me down to a new lowest weight of 150.5!!!

It feels amazing. I'm finally at a new low weight and I had such a yummy week of foods.

Life is good.

Life is really good.

It's supposed to be warm and beautiful out this weekend, so everyone have an awesome weekend!