Rebecca's Lunchbox: Easter Table

Not your typically lunchbox but I absolutely love having well decorated events and since I only get to host two holidays, Easter and Nikolaus, I sometimes go a tad overboard.

For some reason, I remember last year being much grander than it's actually displayed but oh well, it still brings a smile to my face!

but this also has me a tad worried that perhaps I set my bar too high this year with the centerpiece...

That being said, here is last year's Easter table:

A close up view of the table:

and a close-up view of the nests:

Aren't they just the cutest?! Inspiration from Martha of course!

Our brunch menu is very European:
-peppered salami
-genoa salami
-prosciutto
-swiss cheese, the ones with holes! ;)
- pepper jack
- another cheese which i cant figure out from the picture
- 5 minute eggs
- the "good" butter ;)
- mini bagels
- english muffins
- German rye bread

and my personal favorite....

MIMOSAS!!!!!

This year will be pretty much the same except for a few American dishes I am bringing, a sausage egg strata and monkey bread... god how do I love me some monkey bread!

don't tell anyone but I'm really looking forward to the candy as well...a little bunny told me that we might be getting some German chocolate...swoooooon....

but I won't turn down the pastel colored peanut M&M's. I swear, seasonal M&M's taste better...and what about Cadbury eggs!? For some reason I didn't get into them last year but this year, I'm all about them again. I've only had 4 so far so I've been muy good..

ok...must. stop. talking. about. candy.

anyone else have any fun traditions? love of candy? etc? I would love to hear about it so hit me up in the comments!

Friendly Competition

I'm beginning to realize just how weight can affluence relationships between women. Dare I say there may even be some competition?

Let's start with an acquaintance whom I can't stand but unfortunately our 'husband's' (no, I havent gotten married but I'm trying to keep this simple here, and I found out that if we lived in Canada, Nate and I would actually be considered married by common law!) are friends so we travel in the same circles. Thankfully they arent tight so I only see her every few months.

She is tiny. Has been blessed with an amazing metabolism and lives off of crap. She also wants to make sure she stays the tiniest out of the group. I used to be one of the bigger ladies, so she would repeatedly tell me how great I looked and that I didn't need to lose any weight. WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU KIDDING!? Needless to say she almost started an all out revolution last October when my 20 lbs. were being noticed and for some reason people always want to know if you plan on losing more, and if so, how much more?

I want to keep it easy and explained another 20 so that I can start running again. She flat out says, "you don't need to lose another 20! you look fine! your going to get too skinny." two things: 1) I'm only now at a healthy weight and at the very high end 2) the 40 lbs. is by NO means going to make me too skinny! seriously, it's not like I'm drawing a blank and about to look like Nicole Richie at her skinniest...but I even explained why. Why I had to lose the weight, it wasn't a competition as to who looks the best it was mainly so that I can run again! She ignored that and proceeded to talk about why she would never run. Needless to say, when I saw her in February, she made no acknowledgment about my additional loss of 20 lbs.

then, we have a friend A. she has an amazing, fit body. played sports all her life. watches her weight. perhaps a tad too much, since her biggest fear of pregnancy was gaining too much and meticulous counted those extra 500 cals so that she wouldnt gain too much weight. weight issues? check! regardless... she's always been very supportive. commenting how nice I look, etc. but at the same time, she's taking a jab at herself. how flabby she has gotten. that shes like jello. now I know you can feel flabby and jiggly without looking it but the whole mentioning of it when it doesn't come up is just.... heartbreaking.

and last but not least, a very good friend of mine whose refused to see me since October because she gained 20 lbs. noticeable? sure, but did I care? no. She knew me at my heaviest, but then again I knew what she was feeling. I myself had locked myself up, determined to lose the weight before anyone saw me, and well, unfortunately it never helped! The difference though is that I never verbally degraded myself to anyone. Whereas she is constantly doing it, even via text!

For someone whose been in the big girls shoes the last 5, 6 years, I'm a tad surprised at this behavior, especially from those that I consider to be better friends (not including the acquaintance). Topics such as looks, appearance were things not discussed. Even now those aren't topics I broach, but it makes wonder the age old question... was it good to be friends with me because I made them look better?

Dieting vs Life Style Changes

Karen left a very interesting comment on my Friday's post:

I'm predicting that your attitude about healthy lifestyle vs. the weight loss life style is going to make you very happy and satisfied. In the past when I tried to "diet", I would think about my next meal all day long. Now that I focus on just eating healthy, I rarely think about it.

You know, in times past, I always said "Oh, I'm making changes for life and I'm cutting back here and there and yada yada yada." Only for me to stress all.the.time. I don't want to say I wasn't embracing it but I think I was so focused on trying to want to prove to myself, to you that I could make these changes, that I really wasn't.

Like Karen said, I was dieting. Am I still dieting now? I guess. Maybe. I am still monitoring my intake  Limiting them and although I do firmly believe that some alterations do need to take place, those need to be addressed separately from the whole weight loss aspect.

that brings me to this weekend... I don't even know where to begin, this weekend was uh-maz-ing! seriously....

would you believe me if i told you I weigh less than on Friday and I ate out every single day since Friday?

I had been wanting some Better Made BBQ chips for a while now and while at the grocery store on Saturday to pick up fixens for dinner I grabbed a bag. Oh yes... they were delish! Dinner was sliders and wow. they tasted uh-maz-ing! I can't remember the last time I enjoyed all of my food (oh wait... last weekend!), mostly healhy of course, without stressing the frick out about it. Seriously, I would have freaked out weeks prior to making sliders with 80/20 beef and having french fries, but no. I savoured every single bite. hhhhmmm..yummy. 

Yesterday, I had no real desire for anything so I stuck to simple, healthy meals. Nothing crazy and perhaps some tighter control on the calories than Saturday but that's what this is about, a simple give and take. Not all and every day can be indulgent. No. I probably won't have another one till this Sunday. 8 days between. I keep on thinking that had I responded like this 2 months ago during my meltdown, perhaps I'd be further along than I am now, but there's no point in lamenting in that fact. It only perpetuates the cycle and this week is going to be phenomenal.

I can feel it!

Weigh - In #37

I just mentioned on Twitter that I can't believe a week ago I was en route to Baltimore and today I'm at work. =(

My first full week since the beginning of March and somehow the week just flew by! A lot of it really was me trying to catch up. I dunno but I was ssssoooo exhausted, and then with school. THE WEEK FLEW BY!

Food for Thought
I swear since my 'relevation' on the 17th, I've been unstoppable food wise. I really need to remind myself that  I'm choosing to eat right, not snack on garbage because I want to get to where I need to be. Does that make sense? Eating crap makes me feel like crap. Eating healthy makes me feel healthy!

Workin' on my Fitness
Workout wise I wasn't too happy with this week. I  only worked out (read: ran) Saturday and Monday. My lack of planning and overall tiredness/too much to do let working out take a backseat. That's life though and I'm sure I'll have a week where I'm working out every day. Balance baby balance!

This is it!
so I lost 0 lbs! for a maintain of 152!!! whoot whoot...

I'm so very proud of this. I mean truly, am proud of what I was able to achieve. I ate out pretty much all weekend.  I had no last chance workout last night because I was just too pooped to head to the gym at 9:30. My clean eating got whatever 'gain' I had Monday morning off. It also goes to show me that I can enjoy A weekend (not EVERY weekend) and still be able to maintain my weight.

I think there is one key difference between weight loss bloggers (WLB) and healthy living bloggers (HLB): HLB rarely feel guilty about eating what they do. If they go over, they go over and don't lament the fact that they may have eaten an entire row of homemade granola bars whereas with WLB, it's this constant cycle of guiltiness and lamenting and "oh my god, I now have to add in an extra workout!"....I was one of them!

I don't want to be like that anymore! I truly love food and have been able to try foods from various countries. Some of my best memories involve food: the amazing salami baguette at a rest stop in France. Or the amazing tapas in a hole in the wall in Valencia, Spain. Let's not even start on the German cuisine. Food is to be enjoyed and savoured and unfortunately the majority of us who were/are fat, didn't/don't. We used food as a drug to quell some feeling and it's just not who I want to be about anymore.

I want the balance of healthy, clean eating with regular exercise while being able to maintain a stable, healthy weight.

I know so many of us are skeptical but this balance exists, just look at some of the healthy living bloggers. They are doing it!

Lets join those ranks!and enjoy our weekend! =)

Rebecca's Lunchbox: A Day in her Eats!

so, Susan's been waiting for a while but I finally documented an entire day of eats!!

This was a mighty impressive one since it was this past Monday and I had not prepared anything for the week. yeah... it's killing me now as I scrounge around every day for a healthy day of eats, but it goes to show you when your house is stocked with healthy necessities and not junk, your always eating healthily!!

Breakfast at 7:30

 1 c. 1% milk with 53 gr. of Kashi Go Lean Crunch

Snack aka Coffee at 10

 45 ml (3 Tbsp) Coffeemate Sugar Free Hazelnut Creamer

I don't think I'll ever give this stuff up!

Lunch at 11:30

Panera U Pick Two - 1/2 c. Garden Veggie Pesto Soup & 1/2 Mediterranean Veggie Sandwich

 Afternoon Snacks

Dried out baby carrots, eaten throughout the afternoon & 1 packet sugar free hot cocoa

Pre-Workout Snack at 4:30

Bananer which I forgot to photograph

Dinner at 8

1/3 serving of Trader Joe's pan friend potatoes, 2 eggs, 2 slices turkey bacon

Thoughts, comments?! 

What you expected? Didn't expect?

Did you like this? Want more of it? Hit me up in the comments!

Labels and Comparisons

I mentioned yesterday how awesome I thought FitBloggin was, but besides the people, panels and fun times I didn't get into why this event made a big impact on me.

I feel like I am in the midst of a transformation. One that I have been fighting for no other reason than I'm not sure what's in store for me. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. I'm 'comfortable' now because I know what I can expect from myself, I know my patterns, my weaknesses but it seems that the longer I fight this transformation, the longer I am making myself miserable.

I have always considered myself a weight loss blogger. That is why I started my blog, 4 years ago, to start chronicling my success, or failures, at losing the chub. I've been the most successful this past time. Mainly because I realized that true change needed to take place and besides a few hiccups, I've stayed true to that.

So, why this change? I feel the label of weight loss blogger is holding me back mentally.

Although I'm not at my goal weight yet, I feel like the strides I've made mentally have to some degree pushed me from weight-loss blogger to healthy living advocate. Yes, my weight loss was sparked because someone had shamed me (and if you want to read about it, here it is!) into losing weight but I knew I needed to. If I ever wanted to run again, my physical therapist had told me I needed to lose 40 lbs. Coupled with the fact I wasn't happy with how I looked = the right recipe for success.

so... as I was running the 5k Saturday morning, I had a lot of time to think (I think my Ipod was cozying up to the camera!) about my journey. This was my first 'race' since 2007; I specifically stared training back in January so that I would be able to participate in this run. I hadn't finished the C25K program yet and knew that although I could physically finish this race, my mind may not be able to. You see, I was surrounded by a lot of healthy living bloggers (HLB) and I became intimidated. Intimidated by the number of runs and races under their belts, at their seemingly easy consumption of food minus the mental anguish.

I started out towards the back of the pack with a few other 'weight-loss bloggers'. I knew I had to start out slow or else I could burn myself out and not make it back but about a quarter of the way in I started passing some of the runners that started strong, and as I turned around at the half way point, I became excited. I knew I could finish this run. I felt strong, physically and mentally, and at the same place that I passed some runners out, I was passing others coming in and it was then that I realized my journey had changed.

That perhaps the time had come to shed that weight-loss image of myself and embrace my new healthy living image instead. It seems crazy to fear that but it makes sense: I've never known what it is like to live a balanced life. I've either been in famine or I've been feasting.

The whole weekend just went swimmingly. I didn't once struggle with choosing what to eat, should I eat too much of it, should I be drinking etc. I felt a calmness wash me over that I've been feeling sporadically and it felt amazing and liberating. I'm not saying I wont ever struggle, I'm sure I will. Those former habits were such a huge part of my life that I don't think locking that door is possible, but I definitely feel that I will be able to close that door for now.

I'm choosing to be happy with where I am right now. I don't want to become that person whose lost 37 lbs, but.....

No, I'm Rebecca and I blog about my healthy living habits.

How about you?

FitBloggin '10

I'm not going to post a huge recap since I left my camera on the charger, in the kitchen table. Good place for it to be, right?

BUT.......

It was an amazing experience! Seriously... Roni (and her staff) did a fabulous job.

I went to BlogHer last year and although that is an experience all on its own, I felt that it did not cater to what I was interested in. I was fortunate enough to speak to a blogger/employee of BlogHer Friday night during dinner and it offered some insight that I perhaps didn't take into consideration.

Roni sought out sponsors and vendors that truly spoke to those in attendance and the swag was amazing. Yes, it wasn't as much as BlogHer but honestly, half the crap I left at home, whereas here, EVERYTHING came home with me. It was definitely quality over quantity!

and the food... oh my gosh...Friday night, POM hosted the cocktail party. martinis anyone? lunch on Saturday was amazing, spinach salad and paninis.by far some of the best conference food I had!and then Jello-O hosted the reception Saturday night where sushi was served!!! and the sushi was top quality.

I don't really have anything negative to say about this conference, there were some situations with individual people that had me scratching my head but I'm sure nothing was meant personal but had more to do with the fact that the time there was just too short.

I definitely hope Roni hopes to plan another conference next year because I'll definitely be there!

Weigh In #36

Ok, short and sweet since I'm already in Baltimore.
Part of me thinks this is a fluke but who knows maybe all the eating our had done a number to the scale.
I lost 4 lbs this week bringing me down to 152. Only a lb away from my lowest...whoot whoot!!
Got lots to say but that will have to wait til Monday!

short and sweet

I havent really been avoiding the blog although it seems like lately I've been doing better when I haven't been blogging but I'm just a tad stressed.

I've got mid-terms, papers and exams, and fitbloggin, which really shouldn't be stressful but combined with having to take care of my school stuff, the weather changing up on me and not having anything that fits because it's too big and a mild case of social anxiety, yeah... i'm somewhat a ball of nerves.

I've been trying to take my own advice and only focus on today. Things I need to get taken care of and control today. Easier said than done but surprisingly it's giving me the focus and ease to navigate the snacking. and by snacking i don't mean those carrot sticks or apples. but there i go again... my all or nothing attitude. it's not great unless i'm 100% and it's bad if I'm not 100%! ha! no wonder it's never good enough..

i've been doing well. well, for the circumstances given. it's the hours from 4 PM to sleep that I am fighting now. Where I am on my own, where stopping at 7-11 sounds like the cure to my stress. Some days are better than others but thats life eh.

anywhoo... I'll post more when things have settled down, but I wanted to pop in and say "Hi! I'm still alive and doin ok."

Health and Weigh In #35

Alright ladies, and gents, I don't want to talk about my weight. I posted it, although, I was this close to not posting it, but it's the best thing to do. I need to for accountability, but that's all I want to say about it.

I do want to say though that I am wearing a new size Medium sweater, all my Spring clothes are much too big on me, and wow.. I still can't get over that I now wear a Medium on top. Last year's shirts were Larges and Extra Larges.. I feel great, I truly do and even though I may not like what I saw on the scale today, it's not dictating how I feel about myself because I feel pretty darn hot!

Let's talk about my Dr.'s appointment from yesterday instead!

Not sure if I've talked about my acne before, because ya'll know that's so riveting, but alas it's a big hangup of mine.

Seriously, I had the occasional break out during High School but nothing like I have now. I mean I get multiple break-outs and they are all pussy and just overall gross and I am turning 28 this year! Seriously.. this is not normal!

A few years back I was on Solodyn, an antibiotic, it cleared up my acne but the minute I got off of it (I don't want to be dependent on a pill for the rest of my life) it gradually, eventually returned. At the beginning of this year I decided to combat it again. Switching to a new a dermo yet again, we started off with a topical cream, Differin. Two month's and nuthin, nada, actually I think it made my acne worse. We discussed my options again and besides going back on Solodyn nothing was really offered so, I asked for a referral to someone that could perhaps treat my acne the more natural way.

So, referrals she gave me and at the recommendation of another nurse I went with option 3 because some of the other ladies in the office use him and only had good things to say. Now, I think there was a misunderstanding here because I was hoping to see a Naturopath but he's not! I don't really know what he is, I mean he's a doctor, does some obgyn stuff but his specialization is hormones. Ok...I'm open-minded. I mean, I didn't really think about my hormones contributing to my acne issues but I guess it's possible.

Anyways...we start talking, and wow...I really felt like he was listening. Taking notes, asking more deeper questions and it felt good. The diagnosis: PMS (seriously!? this can be a diagnosis?!) and that I most likely have estrogen dominance. Doesn't sound so bad right?! He explained everything very well. He also listened to my concerns etc., so he is prescribing a progesterone cream and it should combat all of my symptoms. Interesting...until....

I googled estrogen dominance. Yeah..there is a reason why people tell you not to google stuff, because I freaked out right away. I'm still a tad freaked out about the amount of cancer hits that came up and although I am currently not at risk for cancer, it's good to know that certain cancers seem to be sparked by excess estrogen. Now.. I dunno if it's true, I would like to think the articles were reliable but this is definitely something I will be addressing at my follow up appointment, but it got me thinking..

I am in charge of my health and that I need to widen my knowledge of woman related issues.

I need to make myself accountable for my health.

That yes my weight is important but it is not the only defining thing to a healthy life, but I'll save that for next week.

I think it's time to make some changes up in herrrr...

Have a great weekend everyone!

PS: any info would be appreciated if you have any experience with a progesterone cream or even an personal experience with hormones, estrogen, etc!

The Art of War

so Karen made a great point yesterday, perhaps I do need to focus on a healthy lifestyle instead of weight-loss but that brings me to another question...

what in the hell is a healthy life-style?! isn't this subjective?!

for some it's relying on 100 calorie snack packs and lean cuisine and for other it's the exact opposite of a strict unprocessed, maybe even vegan diet.

and, it may be the one time that this great support community can be 'unhelpful'. I don't really know what term I want to use because it's not that we are judgemental or look down upon others for their choices but for me personally, the person I want to be vs the person I was vs the person I am becoming can be contradictory.

For example, I want to eat like Blogger A, but right now I'm eating like Blogger B, but I used to be like Blogger C. Blogger C may think that I'm doing great because of the strides I have achieved, but I feel like a failure because even though my eating habits are Blogger B, in my mind they are like Blogger C's because I'm closer to that than I am to Blogger A. Confused yet?!

so maybe I just need to step back, stop comparing myself to others and figure out what in the hell healthy eating means for me.

I'm beginning to think that my habits of last fall were perhaps too drastic and unrealistic and now I can't keep up with them?! I really don't know, it could be the burning need to look better isn't there anymore since I'm ok with how I look now?

Which leads me to another point I want you guys to know... my exercising isn't slacking. I'm actually quite happy that I'm still on top of that. Working out 4 to 5 times a week consistently. I'm really quite happy with my progress in this department. It's solely my eating that has me 'worried'.

The battle hasn't been lost though, I'm still up and at 'em every day. I may show a weak fight at night but I'm not ready to fold. I'm not ready to give up.

I'll figure this out. I know it.

"It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy..

so, peeps, I think I may have a small dose of bi-polarity in me.

This is why...

Fridays: Lets just try to maintain for the weekend.
Saturday AM: Hell no! I want to continue to lose weight.
Saturday PM: God, I'll be so happy if I can maintain.
Sunday AM: Hell no! I want to lose!
Sunday PM: God, please let me maintain this weekend.

I can't decide. It changes by the hour, and I just need to make up my mind. I feel like a broken record, and after reading Susan's post about her recent discovery on 3 Fit Chicks...

I JUST WANNA EAT!!!!!!

please tell me I'm not the only one!?

Weigh - In #34

Mind Matters
ay, Dios mio! seriously... I'm not going to regurgitate the same ole stuff but know I'm still struggling.

I'm really trying to push all the thought away and just focus on

Calories in < Calories out

Food for Thought
I've been meaning to post about this for a while now but somehow never get around to it.

My Points: I get 21 a day per WW, that's roughly 1050 calories.

After my 'plateau' last fall, I made it a priority to stick to the allotted Points I got, but somehow that isn't working anymore. I'm ravenous with only 21 Points. I think about food constantly and I think it's been leading up to my Wednesday/Thursday night binges I had.

So, I am trying something a little different, I am taking my 35 Weeklies and distributing them to my dailies which means that I will consider my Daily Points Target to be 26 Points instead of the 21 I have been attempting to consume. I'll try to only use my Activity Points as back-up or for special occasions, maybe this way, my thoughts won't be consumed by food!

Workin on my Fitness
I finally finished Stage 1 of The New Rules of Lifting for Women and had my 1st B Workout Wednesday. Holy cow, have I felt the exercises. Not in the sense that I can't walk but in the sense that I haven't either hit them before or recently. It feels great!

I'm also starting Week 8 of the C25K Program...whatwhat!?

After my back issues, I'd never thought I'd be back to running and it's been absolutely amazing! I mean I can run 25 minutes in a row right now. I can't say I'll ever be that marathon runner I wanted to be, but at least I know that I can run, and that's a great feeling!

This is it!
I lost 0.5 lbs this week!

Not the 1 lb I was shooting for but considering Wednesday/Thursday night and the fact that my monthly visitor is about to come by... hallelujah!

Anywhoo...no major plans for this weekend. A kids birthday party tomorrow and I will not eat the crappy pizza they put before me. I would love to focus on some cooking and by that I mean trying out new recipes, taking in the experience of cooking and not just hustling to get food on the table. We'll see if that happens...

Have a good one ya'll!

Rebecca's Lunchbox: (mock) Panera Bread BBQ Chopped Chicken Salad

Man, do I love me some Panera Bread. I find it tends to be one of the healthier 'fast food' type of restaurants once minor modifications are made of course.

Thankfully they have also recently upgraded their nutritional information to a calculator, so that you can automatically see the difference when omitting or swapping ingredients.

So, lets take a look at one of my favorite meals, the BBQ Chopped Chicken Salad.

BBQ Chopped Chicken Salad without the tortilla strips, the salad comes in at 360 calories, 15 gr. of fat and 4 gr. fiber (8 WW Points).

Feeling like some tortilla strips? Add an additional 130 cals., 7 gr. of fat!, and 2 gr. of fiber (11 WW Points).

Lemme tell ya though ladies, you don't even miss the tortilla strips and save those 3 points for the side of french baguette, which is heavenly!

My lunch today:

home-made bbq 'chikn' salad.

Oh snap! Doesn't that look delish?!

Ingredients (total of 4 WW Points):

3 - 4 cups romaine lettuce

1/2 c. corn and bean mixture

1 sm. orange pepper

1/2 tbsp. olive oil

1 tbsp. Salata vinegar

2 tbsp. Open Pit BBQ Sauce

and the reason why I am adding this separately is because if I had to do it again, I would either reduce the amount of Morning Star Buffalo Wings or go with an alternative 'protein' choice.

5 Morning Star Buffalo Wings (4 WW Points)

In retrospect I didn't save any Points but... I think I got more salad, maybe?! Eh, it's ok. I dont plan on having any snacks this afternoon and this should get me through till dinner quite well.

I'm coming to realize that I prefer making my home versions of commercially prepared food better than actually going out to eat. You can just save so many calories, sodium, fat etc. if you make it at home and it's usually just as delicious!

What restaurant meals have you remade at home?

Deep stuff - be warned

I had somewhat of an epiphany on the way in to work yesterday, and still not sure how I made it in considering how in thought I was, does anyone else drive on auto-pilot? freaky. prolly right up there with texting... not that I do either.

I'm also prefacing this by saying what I am about to say sounds completely absurd. I know this.. actually I'm still somewhat in awe how silly it all seems but I'm trying to deal with my mental road blocks right now so bare with me while I'm trying to sort it all out.

I'm tired of hearing how "skinny" I am getting, how great I look because right now I feel like a fraud. I've made minimal change in the past 2 months and maybe I should make more of an effort to see friends and family more often because those commentators were ones I last saw in November!

Besides the fact that I feel like a fraud, I also don't 'feel' skinny. It's really a problem I've had all my life. My weight never being low enough. Thin enough. Right now my obsession is my stomach, if I could sculpt it the way I'd want it to look. I'd probably accept my weight (numbers) and call it a day!

I hate talking about my weightloss. Everyone wants to know what I did. I say WW even though it really is moving more and eating less. Seems like everyone has a WW story, if not multiple stories, and although I may look great I am emphasizing just how fricken hard it is.

The changing your mindset, your palette, my way of life. My days are very monotonous, I go to work, I go to the gym, I go home, cook, eat and repeat and some days it just seems very stale. Perhaps some of lifes spontaneity has gone out the window by my general lack of time.

I also try to emphasize that this is for real that I will not be a repeat offender. I don't want to yo-yo anymore and I think for a lot of people (including myself) the thought of this truly being a lifetime thing is daunting!

Last but definitely not least because I think this is probably the biggie for me.. WHY me?!

How'd I truly do this?! I've been in the weight-loss community for 4 years now, and what finally caused me to change my ways?! What finally happened that I've been able to conquer this beast?! I feel like I don't deserve it even though I have fought every single step of the way to get here. I dunno, it's crazy talk.

It's not that I fear being skinny, or maybe I do, I dunno, but more importantly...what happens next!? What happens when weight isn't a constant issue in my day?! What happens when I am not fighting with myself constantly?! I mean I know Ill still have to workout and watch but I eat but I also know Ill be able to be a tad more lenient!

I dunno... maybe it's just the winter blues!?

I swear...my minds just going a million miles a minute... I

I need real problems... ;)

If you made it this far... muchas gracias!!