Weigh-In 33

guess who's back, back again...

i know a tad crazy...but that's me and hell, why hide it!? and who doesn't love some Em.. Detroit, what?!

a little different format since I think it was quite evident how stressful this month was for me.

Starting weight: 151
Current weight: 154

Difference: + 3 lbs

Hhhmmpppfffff...well, I had hoped to get it down to only a 2 lb gain but wow.. I'm quite ecstatic with this number.

Lemme, say I haven't seen this number since say maybe the first week in February? My weight fluctuated between 155 and 157 pretty steadily.

Was it worth it? No.

ugh... to think that I only lose an average of 6.5 pounds a month and I gained half of that in one month. oh well... looking forward now.

I really wanted to elaborate but alas, I didn't write it down and now I forgot sssssoooooooo before I prolong this anymore, I'm going to hit publish.

Rebecca's Lunchbox: Broccoli Cheese Soup

I've been meaning to try this recipe for months but since I have no use for a Velveeta loaf, I couldn't justify the $5 price tag associated with it. Thankfully the Superbowl had that box of chemicals marked down so I didn't feel too bad about buying it. I've also attached a PDF of the recipe, courtesy of Weight Watchers of course, so feel free and print it!

Ingredients:
2 tsp. olive oil
1/2 c. onion (I think I only used a 1/4th of c.)
16 oz. frozen broccoli
29 oz. canned chicken broth
4 oz. Velveeta, cubed
1/2 c. milk
garlic powder
1/2 c. water
1/4 c. corn starch

Saute onion in olive oil.

Add broccoli and broth, simmer for 3 mins.

Add cheese until it melts, then add milk and garlic powder. Finally add in mixed corn starch mixture.

I overall liked this recipe but I made a few mistakes which made this batch so so.

1. First off, my broth was 32 oz. so I added it, not thinking that I should have used it to replace the water for the cornstarch so on top of the extra broth I also added more water.. it was a tad watery. I'd probably omit the water and use the extra broth or maybe just use the recommended amount and then grab 1/2 c. from the pot to make it thicker
2. Second, it was a tad bland so I would need to add some more spices. Instead of garlic powder maybe saute some garlic along with the onion.
3. Thirdly, I wouldn't have minded it a tad creamier so I read someplace I could substitute half-n-half for the milk.
4. and finally, I NEED an immersion hand held blender because it's just too much work for me to drop all that stuff into a food processor. I would have liked the broccoli to be not as chunky as it was.

Overall, great recipe!! I'll probably be making another batch this weekend! Oh, it seriously only took me 15 minutes to make this. Super fast!

Any must have soup recipes I need to check out? Lemme know!

give me back that filet of fish, give me back that fish!

I had a pretty darn good day yesterday considering it took me 2.5 hours to get into work. More call-offs and people leaving early so I was a busy, busy bee!

Instead of eating M&M's last night, I sipped on sugar free hot cocoa. Not sure why I quit that habit to resume chocolate eating but now I'm weaning myself off of the chocolate and back onto the hot cocoa. Easier than I thought it would be but it helped that Nate is serious about losing the last few pounds too so a little emotional support going both ways can only be positive. So yeah... yesterday felt easy, a little too easy actually. Hopefully today will be just like yesterday!

My weekend was good. Not as great as I had set out to be, but it was spent our annual ski trip weekend. I saw some friends I hadn't seen since 30 some pounds ago and it felt good to hear how 'skinny' I'd gotten. It still didn't leave that nagging voice If there is one thing I learned about myself in the 100 minutes I spent by myself traipsing through Boyne mountain is that the 150's is not where I want to be, and it's time for me continue on. I feel the same detachment I felt when I first started back in July. A tad unsure, trying to take 1 day at a time hoping that eventually all my baby steps add to one big step, and that's exactly what had happened and how I managed to lose 30 lbs last fall. I need to get back to that so that I can conquer the last 20!

If there is one thing I've learned this past month is that weight-loss just cant make you love yourself. You either do or you don't and I don't. Or I only do when I think I'm doing everything at 100% and anything below that makes me a huge fat cow. It's a habit I need to break. That just because I'm not 100% doesn't mean I'm a huge fat cow therefore please go ahead and resume eating like one.

so yeah.. that is whats going on in mi casa.. just working through the same old bullshit that got me here to begin with..but I'm addressing it so that counts for something, right?!

I'm still lacking motivation to post but I'm working on it. I'll even have a new recipe up tomorrow!

is it Spring yet?!

dropping like flies

wow...my followers are dropping like flies and part of me doesn't blame them, if I could 'unsubscribe' I prolly would.

the reality though is that this month has been a bitch. I'd say struggle but I dunno, that has negative connotations so instead we'll say 'challenge', that seems a lot more positive.

truth is work has become unbearable and I'm seriously depressed over it. I'm neglecting my studies and workouts for sleep that aren't good. I mean, they are, after 9/10 hrs but I'm still exhausted when I wake up.

Diane wrote a fabulous post yesterday about temporary maintenance, that truly spoke to me and has helped me reclaim some of the calm I've been lacking.

I get so caught up about what I feel like I should be doing and shuoldn't be doing reading other weight loss bloggers that I forget I can't compare my journey to theirs or vice versa. Sure, I'm not happy about my lack of progress this month or the fact that I've let some not so great habits back into my life but you know what, LIFE is gonna happen!

and that's just it... I'm crawling/clawing my way back out. There are a lot of cons right now that are making me try to clean up my act and one of them is I felt so friggen' jiggly on the treadmill yesterday. holy cow, a week of not running or weight training really did the body no good. funny that a former cardio addict now realizes the benefits of lifting!

but yeah..I hate coming on here and being a constant source of not so great news but yeah this is me right now. weight loss was a lot easier when I had nothing going on in my life and that unfortunately isn't the case. so if I'm absent, I'm going to apologize ahead of time but some days I just don't have it in me.

kiss kiss (anyone remember that song!?)

Actual, lessons Learned

I think I did a good summation of things that were going through my mind but lets focus on a few things that really spoke to me:

oh, and as an fyi...topic 2 may be a tad sensitive to some folks out there, but hey... I'm being honest here

1) Taste: Now, I know there are a few of us out there, who think some of the crap we used to eat is the holy grail, and sadly, minus the Arby's and the fish bowl margaritas, nothing lived up to what I remembered. The Cookies and Cream bar tasted chalky. The Nutter Butters tasted a tad like cardboard. The Better Made BBQ chips weren't as BBQ-y as I remembered them. Oh, and the McDonald's all I could think about was what I had learned in Exercise Physiology about heart disease. I think I remember feeling grossed out by the burger!

2) Waste: yeah, that waste... lets say I was completely constipated for damn near a week. and the gas... oh my god... I swear...a sewer would have smelled better!

3) Body: I swear, between eating whatever I wanted, and not exercising for the week I was sick my body became jiggly real quick. I always thought a trouble zone of mine were my thighs and hips, well, I'm thinking my stomach may be a bigger one because that's where I noticed the most jiggle! Hot damn, I swear it was like one of those big molds of jello that you shake and it continues on jiggling. Perhaps, I stared at my body more that week than I had in weeks past but for someone who used to worry about cellulite, I had noticed none leading up to this week and POW! perhaps it was me standing at the wrong angle and the right time but I saw a patch right where my butt meets the thigh. Coincidence? I dont know but I feel like the crap food just may have had something to do with the quickly deteriorating body of mine.

4) but probably the one that bothered me the most was Mentally: I really got down on myself. Once I hit the 150's I made a conscious effort to stop labeling myself as fat. I just wasn't anymore. Sure I may not be thin or skinny (what's the difference between these two anyways!?) but I at least I was normal and the negative self-talk had to stop. and granted I didn't get anywhere close to the 160's, that negative Nancy was back again and I didnt like it one bit!

so yup.. thats where it is. Yesterday wasn't stellar, but today is shaping up to be quite the good one. I need more good ones because I really can't handle being down about my eating/weight when I have so much other crap (read: job i hate!) going on.

Thoughts

I feel like I'm finally back. I finally feel like my old self again.

I swear somehow I went on a two week vacation and today, or more likely yesterday, returned. It feels good and thankfully I don't have to do too much damage control.

As of today I was 155, really the highest I've wanted to let myself get, and considering that whenever I had a craving for something the last two weeks I've given in to it, I'm not complaining too much. I did compile a separate post about that but today I want to focus on the why.

I'm not sure why I didn't realize it earlier, but I swear, once it hit me on Saturday, I feel like I've been coming around.

I'm overwhelmed. I took on too much.

I figured because I worked all through Under Grad, I could do it now. I didn't take into consideration that my commute has more than doubled and that oh wait, a job at Einstein Bagel Co. does not compare to what I do now! Or that perhaps 27 is a little different than 21 was? Or that I can't focus on losing weight, while going back to school and working and uhm trying to keep a decent house in order?!

I just feel like I'm being pulled into so many directions and I'm trying to do so many things but I'm not really happy with the outcome with any of them.

Sooo...I'm trying to focus on only today. Make a list of things that must get accomplished, and oh, go to sleep a tad earlier.

It's frustrating. It makes me sleepy and above all it makes me want 'comfort' food that is no longer comfortable but more like 'familiar'.

Besides the slackness of my snacks, or 2nd dinners, or uhm snacks, I've continued with working out, even getting in a 5th workout, and ate well 80% of the day, and no matter how much I want to beat myself up about my poor choices I have chosen as of late, the truth is I have changed and I haven't ballooned back up to 188.

For me personally to find the good in the bad, is well, damn near impossible but to continue beating myself up is only making matters worse.

Today is not about trying, today will be exactly the day I set out to have.

No crap, no excuses nuthin but givin it my all!

Outfit of the Day - Monday's

I took this picture a while ago, and can be my go to outfit on Monday's.

Not sure what it is but the last thing I want to do is dress up, in particular when I wasn't happy with how I ate over the weekend.

Could be because those pants are a tad too big and the shirt a little roomie?

Rebecca's Lunchbox: Crockpot Split Pea Soup

I've been meaning to post this recipe forever (if you consider 2 weeks to be forever) but yeah... I'm bad at uploading pics, editing them etc. and unfortunately neither of our digitcal cams are compatible with the eye-fi. go figure right?!

anywhoo... great recipe! not exactly my grandmothers but maybe I'll try that once more before the Winter season is behind us. 5 weeks left of winter, right Phil? oh, and this is another recipe from the 400 Calorie Fix !

Ingredients:

1 lb. dried split green peas

3 ribs celery (omitted because I'm no fan of the celery!)

2 cloves garlic

3 medium carrots (ooopppsss...omitted and not quite sure why!)

1/2 c. parlsey (uhm... just used a sprinkling. i feel the taste is too overpowering!)

2 teaspoons herb de Provence

2 bay leaves

1 tsp. sea salt

freshly ground pepper

2 tsp. liquid smoke

4 c. vegetable broth

4 c. water

Optional, unless your Nate and this is mandatory.

Into the crockpot it goes (for 8 - 9 hrs)!

In action!

Some notes:

1. Reduce onion..holy cow. I actually can't remember split pea even having onion but it wasn't bad.
2. Although I was going to put into my food processor, it came out nice and chunky.. decided to leave it as be!
3. If you were to add ham, I wouldn't buy the cubed again but go with the diced. I ended up making the cubes smaller and they were still to big!
4. I enjoyed my split pea soup with a corn muffin. Very filling and very fiberlicious!

Enjoy!

Lessons Learned - Just the start

This past week has been a huge learning week for me.

I went into it, eagerly awaiting every single little feast, and I left it heavier and less satisfied than ever. Weird how one changes when you expect to have not changed at all.

Before I go deeper into my past week I want to clarify that my meals did not consist of Breakfast at McDonalds, Lunch at Burger King and Dinner at sit-down restaurant with snacks from the vending machine. No.. my days were exactly the way they had always been. It was usually the evenings that had me resorting to old ways, but lets backup a bit.

I ate my fair of junk, mainly because I had given myself that pass, but I after all was said and done, I felt full, angry (at myself because I know it could take me all month to recover) and overall miserable. That didn't stop me though No.. I continued through till Friday (when I had told myself I would completely recommit sans the evening/late night snacking).

Lets see, Monday as dessert I had a 6 pc. Arby's Spring Rolls and a sm. Jamocha shake, Tuesday I cant remember, Wednesday I had a 6 pc. Arby's Spring Rolls and a sm Jamocha shake before class and after class I met my fam at On The Border and had 2 fish bowl frozen margaritas, quesadillas and a few handfuls of ice cream. Did I mention I stopped at CVS at 10:30 to pick up the limited Cookies and Cream Valentines bar? Thursday dinner was a mighty kids mcnugget meal + an additional double cheeseburger, and on the way home from class, another 6pc. Arby's spring roll (this time shared with Nate because I felt that grossed out about it all). Uh yeah.. Hi.

What amazes me is that I continued the destructive behavior even though I didn't fully enjoy it. I even thought about quitting, and yet every time I set out to quit, mainly the next morning, I would be lured into the temptation that a) it is so good and b) you did give yourself the week to do whatever you want. By Friday morning I weighed more than I had intended to let myself get and seriously I couldn't deal with the drama in my head. It's like one side go for it, because that's what a former fat girl does, and the other half was telling it no! you've worked so hard to get here, you aren't the same person anymore!

so, since Friday I've been at it 95%, I might have been a tad better had I not hosted a house guest, but overall I am happy with how I handled the weekend.

there's more I want to say but lets just start here for today... maybe tomorrow I'll touch on a few more 'awakening's I had.

Can I do it?!

anywhoo...I've been avoiding the blog. I've had a rough few hours here and there.

I came off of one of the best weekends in a while. Besides the fact that I got a reckless driving ticket and may now have 3 Points on my record. Anyone know if I can contest the Points but pay the fine?!

So, Saturday night, Nate and I went to Fiamma in Plymouth and it was the first time I regretted not being a food blogger because the meal, was out of this world good. I wish I could have documented it was that decadent...I'm still dreaming about. It was a meal, I was willing to splurge and use all of my Points on, which I did. I wasn't too bad in the hole Sunday, I could have easily made up the Points during the week but I started prepping myself for a maintain.

You see, I ate out for lunch on Thursday, Friday, dinner on Saturday and I had another lunch planned for this Wednesday... it would be very likely that sodium levels alone would make me maintain but I swear, at 7 Sunday night, I went hog wild and within 2 hours, my negative 9 Points turned into 29.5! I definitely can't dig myself out of the hole from that and so, although I tried to reign in my eating yesterday (did great during the day!) I ended up standing in front of the pantry at 7 PM with a spoon in the Nutella jar. Should I mention I also inhaled some Sun Chips, Oreo's (that I don't even like but I was getting desperate), and a plethora of some other stuff, maybe, I can't remember.

I'm trying to figure out what happened? How was I doing so well all day Sunday and then lose it?

Sure, I'm a tad stressed, in the processing of getting sick but why wasn't I able to keep it together?

I'm not upset or beating myself up over this, I'm just trying to figure out why? WHY?!

I've been flip-flopping more and more about whether or not I'm "losing" or should be "maintaining", and I think Foodie McBody did a great post about Re-Adjusting Goals yesterday.

Sure, I still want to lose weight but the urgency that I felt in the fall isn't there anymore. I'm feeling good in my skin now and although I feel like it may be a cop out, I'm a tad overwhelmed right now and weight-loss, just isn't a huge priority. I also know that this could be the perfect excuse to let my new found habits fly out the window and gain back all 37lbs I've lost but maybe this won't be such a bad thing. Learning to live with what I've lost until things calm down a bit, which is why I am taking February off from public weigh-ins.

I'll be back to 'em March 5th. Edited to add: Doi! It actually makes more sense if I weigh-in on February 26th since that would be more indicative of a February weigh-in!I know I shouldn't feel pressure from ya'll, but I do, and between having a house guest for the next 2 weeks, a bridal shower, class and a ski trip weekend, I don't want to dread coming here.

it will be interesting to see if I can lose weight without publicly posting weekly weigh-ins..I'd say, Game On!