Word of 2009

I've been thinking of this post probably since I left for Germany, mainly because so many people put so much emphasis on the last post of the year. A nice recap one could say of the success or failure of the last year and if there was one word to describe 2009, it would be

unexpected.

My determination, conviction, resolution were unexpected.

Yes... I did not expect to be a success.

No, I didn't believe I could lose the weight. Like so many previous times, and well there have been a few times, I mean hello...I've had this blog for almost 4 years now, I just set out to lose some weight. I started July 6th, one baby step at a time, with a notion that if I was going to do it now I had to make real life changing changes, and so I did. For once, I didn't write out a nice little chart that if I lost x-amount per week, I'd be at goal weight by Christmas. No.. I just focused on today, and then the next day and the day after that, and 6 months passed and voila...I was down 32.5 lbs.

32.5 lbs isn't the world in this blogging community, but for me it was huge. With each pound I lost, I gained back a pound of confidence, belief in myself, belief I deserve more than I had been giving myself, belief that I deserved to stand up for myself, belief that I needn't be a door mat to whomever thought could walk over me.

That's by far the most rewarding change I've experienced having lost this weight.

The belief I am worth it.

I had to grow up, a lot, to get here. I had to stop playing the victim and own up to the fact that I was creating my own demise. I've had my share of stuff handed to me, but I definitely wasn't the one with a silver spoon in her mouth and somehow the past few years and turned me into a selfish person who expected to have everything handed to her instead of me working for it.

I guess I'm finally realizing that. I am in charge of my own destiny. Only I can make myself happy, that I am my own Prince(ss) Charming.

If 2009 was an indicator of how good a year can be, I can not wait for 2010!

I have no specific New Year resolutions, the plan is to reach goal weight, figure out what the hell I want to do with my life and get my home in order. All of which I am pretty confident I can achieve next year. All of which I will make sure to achieve next year because I can do it. I know this now.

I can do anything I put my mind and 100% of my energy too is doable. You just have to want it enough.

For all my fellow bloggies, I wish you the best for 2010. I hope you reach your goals, over and above of what you expected. There is no greater feeling than having reached what you set your mind to but then realizing you even blew that out of the water. Everyone deserves to experience that.

See you next year!

Merry (belated) Christmas

Just thought I'd stop by real quick and wish everyone a very Merry (belated) Christmas!!

I hadn't intended to take a break but needless to say it just sorta happened and am sorta glad I did!!

Just wanted to wish everyone a great Holiday and to say Thank You for always being here, reading and offering support!! It wouldn't be half as much fun without all of you!

Fly by post via the Delta Sky Club

sorry I've been MIA but the house internet has been sketchy, it typically does that when it snows, so I've been fairly productive.

Sent out Christmas cards I hadn't planned on, got to the gym, saw Avatar (great movie by the way!), and today picked up the passport.

I gotta give it to the Passport Bureau in Detroit. Great service, and obviously even better turn around time.

I still missed a weekend of fun events but c'est la vie, I had a pretty good weekend myself!

There could be some complications with the flight we are supposed to be one so please cross your fingers for us... I have to get out today!!!or else Nate is flying home on Christmas Eve... =(

Weigh In #23

Where, oh where did this week go!?

Seriously...the craziest shit happened last night at 10:30. As we were laying our passports out, we realized that my bro's expired in August! I can't fricken believe it, so I'm spending my morning at the Detroit Passport Bureau while tonight Nate's flying solo to Germany and we are hoping and praying that my bro and I are on the Monday flight. Ok, it is possible to have his passport today, maybe, I dunno, I've never had to do something like this so I'm thinking worst case scenerio so that we don't get my hopes up! and if we dont get our passports early next week, Nate is flying back to be home for Christmas. Ugh.. I just can't get over that we royally fucked up on this one.

Update: So, everything went fairly painless and I was there for only an hour. I'm still here, like expected but will be out on Monday. I'm so bummed. We had such an exciting weekend planned and now with me not getting there till Tuesday and already returning on Monday, I'm beyond annoyed. Hopefully Nate will be able to enjoy some of the plans.. =(

MindMatters
I hate to sound cocky but I've just not been tempted. Maybe because I don't view anything as of limits, and the fact that I am making good food choices without being torn as to what to do, makes me think that my habits have become ingrained in my routine.

I still struggle with stopping to eat when I am full but it really is because it tastes so damn dawg delicious! That Pei Wei dish from Saturday, I stretched it 3 meals. It sort of amazes me I used to eat it at one sitting but it just goes to show you, a little of retraining of portion control and I can still eat what I used too!

Food for Thought
I've eaten out for dinner Tuesday - Thursday this past week. It was inevitable but like I've mentioned before, this was no reason for me to veer off my track of healthiness.

Tuesday was Noodles and Co. Med Salad for me
Wednesday we went to a local pub, Nate and I shared a thin crust pizza and salad.
Thursday, double cheeseburger from McDonalds, yogurt cone at Macy's.

Now, honestly, I wouldn't recommend this for full-on losing mode but I'm not trying to lose right now. I've mentioned it before and I'll mention it again, this is supposed to be a fun time of year and I just won't get bogged down with trying to lose weight. I'd rather eat a tad more and know I can maintain this weight than drive myself batshit crazy trying to lose just a few pounds.
I know I'll be at it again come the New Year!

I've decided weight-loss is the easy part, it's maintaining that proves to be difficult. If I can do this, I'm a rock star!

Fitness
Oh vey...I'm really not happy with this week. I was supposed to have finished up my 12th week of Jillian and needless to say I've only had one workout, at home! I'm hoping the running around at night helped even everything out a tad!

This is it!
so, that means for the past 12 days, where minimal tracking was utilized I...drumrollplease..

lost 1.0!!!

errr...thanks! I guess... it feels so undeserved. I didn't really work for it like I have past losses and it could be my muscle breaking down, maybe!? I don't know... but yeah...coool. huh?!

I just cant get over that over 5 months ago I was a size 14 bottoms, XL on top and today I'm rockin size 8 jeans, and a medium top! should I also mention I bought my first small!? it truly just goes to show you what a little hard work, dedication and time can do you for you!!

anyways...gotta shower and get ready.

wish me luck with the passport situation!

Fatty McButterPants

another great weekend comes to an end, but I can't complain too much, I'm off to Germany in 4 days!!

I was going to lament the fact that I am going again, but I'm beginning to realize these trips are waning. My grandpa's turning 73 this February and even though he is in great condition, you just never know how fast things can turn. So, instead of dreading the 10 lbs I can easily gain while over there, I need to remember to cherish these moments because once he's gone, our visits won't be what they are now, but I know you guys dont want to hear about that... so let's get to what it's all about. My weight!, but you'll have to check back on Friday where I'll post my last weigh-in for the year. In other news....how'd I do this weekend?

I more or less stopped counting Points, trying to focus more on intuitive eating which is going alrightl. I've noticed that this time around, I'm still eating the foods I had been eating the past 5 months, the portions are also the same, I guess after measuring and counting for so long, it becomes second nature! I'm doing this on purpose, although I know counting Points will always belong somewhere in my life, I would love to reach a point where I can intuitively eat without gaining 30+ lbs back.

Saturday night, on the way home from the mall, we picked up take-out from Pei Wei, and proceeded to eat (half of) it while watching episodes of Fringe. God, the smell was heavenly, but the food was meh. Nate claims its because take-out is never as good as it actually is in the restaurant, which could be true, but lets just say.. I think I broke the magic around it. yay!

If I'm struggling with anything it's my old fat girl mentality.

For example... say I go to have a cookie with my coffee, my current Christmas indulgence.. the old me is screaming: why just eat one?! eat the entire bag! remember your off your 'diet'! but you know what.. I'm not 'off' anything! I'm really not. I'm still eating like I normally would, sure, I'm adding in a sweet (or two) that I normally wouldn't but I also know come January none of these specialties are going to be around, so hell yeah I'm going to enjoy them!

Breaking that thought cycle is proving to be difficult. Last week was probably the worst, and this past weekend, I slowly became to conquer her. Admitting that these thoughts do still exist and doing something about them is my key to breaking the losing/gaining cycle. I have the eating right thing down. I'm still busting my ass in the gym, and now... I need to conquer that old fat girl mentality. It's not who I am anymore. I know I am not that person anymore and yet it's still a struggle. For as long as I can remember I followed a cycle of diet, no diet, diet, no diet... and although my body may think I'm in that yo-yo cycle because I have eliminated most sugar, white flour from my diet (because I need to for my continued success), it's not. I need to rid myself of these old fat girl thoughts to be a success.

and speaking of success, after many attempts I've finally found a photo that has met my mother's approval... so...yeah... lets start at the before photos. These all were taken this past Summer in Germany, and let me preface, I do NOT remember being this big. But isn't that always the case?!

Family McButterPants

oh shit, really?!

Pfannkuchen Gesicht vs. Who's that hot chick?!

188 vs. 157

shit. i guess I have lost some weight, eh? before this comparison, i really didn't notice it. i mean, sure I had too because my sizes were going down but i still saw the girl in the Family McButterpants picture. No joke, that was one of the pictures that really spurred me into action. I honestly had no clue I was that big! ugh... can't think about it...

'kay...have a good one!

Contemplative

I've been thinking a lot lately, mainly because my head hasn't been in the game this week, so I'm trying to sort things out.

It's still surreal to me that I have lost over 30lbs. 30lbs! I mean, had you told me in July I'd be in the 150's for Christmas, I would have laughed and said yeah right. I can maybe lose 20 but 30! No..not me, and surprisingly, I did it with little sacrifice and a lot of sweat.

My big thing this time around was/is that I refuse to give things up that I can't live without. I'm not giving up x for now, so that in 6 months I'll be all up in it. No...this time I was doing it right. This time it was/is going to be a lifestyle change and I have been doing quite well.

so, why, WHY!? am I having these thoughts of needing a break. of enjoying the rest of the holidays, shouldn't i be able to do that without thinking I need to veer of track?!

I'm by no means thinking of throwing in the towel, my journey isn't done yet but I think my recent contentment with this weight is throwing a wrench into things. You see, my weight does not consume my thoughts anymore. I feel great, my clothes are fitting me great, and although I weigh myself every morning, as long as the number does not go above 158 (which trust me, it's been all over the board this week) I don't think twice about it! Sure, 158 is not my ending point, I'm not happy with my naked body yet but you know what, it feels GREAT not obsessing about everything weight related. I sit at my desk and don't worry about pulling on my shirt that is prolly stuck between a roll. I get up and dont worry something else being stuck to another roll. I'm at a weight where I don't worry what someone across from me may think. My weight, although not yet in my healthy weight range, feels damn dawg healthy to me!

My eating has been great. The same as before, so I'm not really concerned about that aspect, what has me worried are two things:

1. sugar/white flour
2. eating out

I had pretty much eliminated most sugar as well as white flour from my diet for the past 5 months, if, if I had any it was in very small doses but since this past weekend, my cravings have been through the roof. Now granted I am consuming much more sugar this month (uhm...doi! its' the Holiday season!) than I have in any other month so maybe my worry is uncalled for but it begs to question, will chocolate be something that I can only have in very small, small doses? Will I ever reach a point where I can just have 1 piece and not want to devour the entire thing? Monday was probably the worst of them all, I more or less consumed an entire box of Toffiffee, a 15 pc. box, 1 Cookies and Cream Hershey bar (I ate another last night!), as well as my daily Adventcalender candy. Don't misunderstand me, I don't want any sympathy or supportive "get back on that wagon" comments, no..thats not why I'm mentioning it, because trust me...I've enjoyed every single little bit. Although I should mention that Monday night, I was terribly, terribly ill!No, I'm mentioning this because well I'm human. I don't have this whole weight-loss thing figured out, although I wish I did!, and sure I've had some great losses these past few weeks but now comes the hard part. Now comes figuring out how I can maintain this for the rest of my life. I don't want anyone coming to this blog in a year or two and my battling the bulge again, this is it!

Another frequent thought pattern running through my head right now is...God, I just want to go out to eat. I want On The Border, I want Pei Wei, I want Chilis, I want P.F. Changs... hot damn, i want everything I haven't had in months! If that doesn't scream.. HELLO DO YOU WANT TO GAIN 30 LBS BACK!? I don't know what does. Seriously, part of the reason why Nate and I got to be as big as we were (did I mention he's down 40lbs!?) is because we ate out entirely too much and not the best choices, and it's not that that food is even that great (trust me, I know this!). I love the chicken tacos with the crispy onions from On The Border, and Pei Wei... gosh how I miss their Pad Thai, and Chilis has a great chocolate shake, and those egg rolls (stop! why can't I remember the names of my favorite foods from these locations!? ) oh and those delicious little bite size desserts from P.F. Changs that have a whopping 300 calories!? I do, I miss some of the food, even though I can attest to the fact that usually it's not as good as I remember it so maybe I should just get it out of my system so that I can move on but what if it is that good as I remember it and then I start to crave it more!? ugh... I wish this were easy. I wish I didn't enjoy food as much as I do or that I were blessed with a super high metabolism!

so...this is where I'm at ladies (and gents!) besides a kaffee at my house on Sunday, which I am thoroughly looking forward too because I am trying a new cake recipe out, Schwarzwaelder Stollen, maybe I can start detoxing my system from all this sugar/white flour, if not... c'est la vie.. Christmas is only once a year!

I still need to bake my final batch of cookies, finish up my Christmas shopping (eeek! we leave for Germany in 1 week!), pack, get a package out to my dad, send Christmas cards, and the list goes on and on.

Have a good one ya'll!

Vanillekipferl

on to my second batch of Christmas cookies, vanilla crescents aka vanilla kipferl.

I changed up the recipe a bit. Besides just vanilla, I also made a batch of coffee and cinnamon ones! Unfortunately I didn't mark them so when they came out of the oven I forgot which is which and per nate, he can't really taste a difference!

Ingredients:

275 gr. of flour

50 gr. ground almonds
50 gr. ground hazelnuts
75 gr. sugar
1 packet vanilla sugar
dash of salt
2 egg yolks
200 gr. butter
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon instant coffee/cappuciono mix

Sieve the flour, add the rest of the ingredients and hand knead.

Roll into one big loaf, divide into thirds and add instant cappuccino to one third,cinnamon to another third, and re-knead.

Roll out the 3 piles into 3 individual rolls, wrap in saran wrap and chill in the fridge for an hour


Each roll should produce roughly 19 crescents, so cut and form

Place onto baking sheet and bake for 10 minutes at 395 (or until the ends get brown-ish)

Mix 50 gr. of sugar with 1 packet of Vanilla Sugar, and dip freshly baked crescents into mixture

excuse this minorly burnt one!

Final product! yumm-o!

Weigh In #22

:::moan::: seriously....Monday.... again?!

I guess I wouldn't be complaining if I hadn't had another grrrrrrrrrrrrreat (think Tony the Tiger) weekend, right?!

the past two weekends, and last week had seriously had me seriously working towards Nikolaus (I promise pictures this week!) on Saturday and now that it's over...I'm sorta sad, and relieved that the majority of my Holiday stress is now done with. I need to do a few more Christmas presents shopping but other than that my responsibilities are pretty much zilch until we head to Germany and I am determined to make a fabulous Christmas Eve dinner. Sounds easy right? Not so much.. my grandpa hates the mess and would prefer me not to be in the kitchen, which I understand but I refuse to eat potato salad with weiss wuerste.. tradition or not! It's just not snazzy enough for me!

Mind Matters!

If the past week didn't strengthen my resolve, I'm not sure anything could.

Sure, I started out my week in a slump but by Wednesday I was back to my old self and determined to salvage the damage I had done Monday night.

I think the biggest struggle for us all is to just keep it together for the Holidays. Between running around like madmen, parties and all the temptations, it's easy to say No! to the mindful eating we so practice the other 11 months of the year, as well as the hours we slave away in the gym.

I'm no exception either, if anything I'm probably fighting for 1st place of letting my good habits go by the way side.

Food for Thought

Thankfully my hunger was minimal the days after my binge but nonetheless I had to be careful that I didn't dip more into my Weeklies because a) I wasn't working out as much and b) because I had costly(calorie wise not financially!) meals planned for Friday and Saturday night.

Friday night we were supposed to have gone to this known barbecue place (Slow's) but no one had thought to make reservations and by the time someone did call, they were booked! We ended up heading to Greek Town and I had a Greek Salad with chicken,no olives and cheese and dressing on the side, of course! The waiter was a) not happy I requested something that wasn't on the menu (who doesn't offer a Greek entree size salad) and b) I was making all these modifications, but whatever, I stuck to my guns and had a great meal and a great time!

Saturday I was much more indulgent since I knew that this is one of the only celebrations with my mom. Between cake, cookies, french bread, cheese, cured meats, champagne and some punch, I felt like a KingQueen. I ate well, but never felt stuffed. Honestly, I had everything I wanted. Plenty of delicious, oozy brie. Some salami. Grapes. and did I mention the delicious french bread!? Honestly...Saturday was living and I don't regret a single thing I put into my mouth!

This past week wasn't about Friday night or even Saturday's feast, it was the other Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays eating. It was the fact that every night, after work, I was out running errands and I didn't let the drive through or Chili's stand in my way. Yes, we still ate out once (or twice.. I cant remember!) but we ate at places that we knew were healthy and the portions were decent. I knew going in what I was going to order and I stuck to it. Sure, we could have added an appetizer or a dessert but you know what, it wasn't something we couldn't get in the New Year!

I also packed a few extra snacks, no, not 100 calorie snack packs, but an extra apple, a baggie of carrots and I had a liter of water to fall back on! I wasn't even hungry during the manics of shopping but it was when I finally sat down to eat that I was starving! and having had those snacks to ward off the hungry helped.

If there is one thing I want all of you to know, is that I am eating better now, than I ever have before! I don't feel guilty, I am not agonizing, I am enjoying and you should too! The Holiday season is only once a year, enjoy the specialities of this time of year (in moderation of course!) because really life, and this season, is just too short!

Fitness
My biggest struggle this week, I burned a paltry 2300 cals in exercise calories, a good 1200 shy of what I normally do in a week but gosh darn..I am proud of those 2300 cals!

If there is one thing I amwas famous for was making excuses for not working out.

• What only a half hour?! That is not enough time for a decent workout!!
• I dont have enough time to make it to the gym, I'm not gonna exercise.
• I can't make my goal of 5xs exercised this week, may as well quit now!

This week, I squashed those buggers with a vengeance. Out of my 4 days worked out, 3 of those, were at home!

Oh, it was rough and yes, it took some major convincing on my end but there is so much information out there, that I had some crazy sweat fests on my elliptical and did resistance exercises just using my body weight!

thanks to that, I was still able to squeeze in 4 workouts! had I not done anything at home, I would have only had 1 workout this week!

If there is one thing I noticed with working out at home is that I pushed myself harder and further, I knew I had to ramp it up to be able to show the same numbers I would if I were at the gym, and honestly... shouldn't I be doing that anyways?!

I still prefer working out at the gym, but I have no reason to not have a great workout at home!

This is it!

so....drumrollplease.... what does this all mean!?

a loss of 2.5lbs!!!

holla!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh yeah.... which means, I've now lost 31.5 lbs! say wHaT?!

first week in December, and I'm still pullin a loss!!! oooohhhhh, whatcha say!?

I'm a tad ecstatic!!!! I mean seriously now... I think to years past where I wouldn't lose any weight past Halloween and look where I am now?! November was quite the month and I was able to pull a loss the first week of December!? really... who is this person in my body!? because you know what ladies (and gents) this is nuthin but hard work and sheer determination!

watch out December...I'm eyein' you big time!

This is me

so, The Biggest Loser Tuesday night...anyone watch it?

I havent been on The Biggest Loser bandwagon this season, I can't pinpoint it exactly but I think it has to do with the fact that I can't buy into the whole losing 6-20 lbs a week anymore.

Back in the day when I thought I could take a magical pill, continue to eat the way I did, exercise minimally, I was awed by the show, but 5 months of figuring myself out, seeing that the majority of TBL contestants don't keep the weight off, I'm not as obsessed as I had been in years past.

However, Tuesday's episode was phenom. Seriously... the first half hour I was like....frick..really but after that, I was hooked! Hooked because they finally showed what weight loss is about.
Unleashing those inner demons that made us and keep us fat. Sure... not everyone has a story, but I'm going to say the majority of us have a story as to why we got fat and why we can't beat it.

Every single contestant was relatable last night and exactly what I needed to get past my funk.

You see, I ran into someone from my past on Monday, that sent my world spiraling out of control. I don't think it helped that I was already a tad under the weather but after bumping into her, I was in full out in "pity me" mode.

It is also the first time in 5 months that I said fuck it and full out binged while my heart was telling me to step on the brakes, that it wasn't worth it and that I had worked too hard to backslide now. Did it stop me? No... I think I needed to wallow in pizza and chocolate to figure shit out. Tuesday morning i felt a tad better, in recovery mode but still in a "pity me" mode. It wasn't until yesterday that I finally got my old/new self back.

Please bare with me as I type this because I'm not even sure myself how to word it but I feel like it's time for me to put my story out there.

My demon these past few years, where my weight has truly skyrocketed is two-fold

1. I was angry and resentful at my parnets for feeding me pipe dreams (which therefore led me...)
2. to be ashamed of where I am (in life.)

I know, your probably thinking what!? and without going into too much detail, lets just say the plan did not equate to the actual, and it has been a rough adjustment for me. It's one I still battle with, but I've come to realize that I must let this go. I have to let it go for me, and that eating my anger and resentment away is not the answer. Confronting these feelings and changing them, I believe, has been the answer as to how I am also tackling my weight issue.

It's me telling me that I am good enough, worthy enough of whatever I want and just because I wasn't able to follow through with the plan, does not make any less of a person than x, y or z! Because really, I'm not, and maybe this leads to an even bigger issue, I must stop comparing myself to others. This one is harder, and maybe it's just within my family, but everything is always such a competition. Who has the bigger house, who makes more money, who has more stuff, who drives a foreign car and on and on and on. It's draining and exhausting, and part of a cycle I wish not to belong to anymore.

I can't live in the past anymore of would/coulda/shoulda, I need to focus on all the great things that are happening and be appreciative of those. I need to focus on how I can make my future better and work towards those goals and you know what? it's been the best thing I can be doing for myself. I'm not saying its easy and gosh knows I backslid on Monday but I think I snapped back quicker than I had in the past.

The reality is, we can all lose weight, we all know that we have to burn more calories than we consume, and I think The Biggest Loser does a great job of showing that, but I think an even more key part to weight loss is taming our demons and learning how to cope without food.

To acknowledge and accept your feelings for an emotional eater like myself is uncomfortable, it's much easier for me to devour a pound of M&M's than accept the truth. What's scarier though is to be still fighting this battle 30 years from now.

I think I'll take that uncomfortable feeling over M&M's, how about you?

Glazed butter cookies/Bunte Buttersterne

lets kick this off right ladies.. my first recipe is a simple butter cookie with glaze frosting.

my oma never made these so I'm not quite sure what possessed me to try this recipe 2 years ago, but since then Nate's been hooked so I've added them to my Christmas cookie list.

Ingredients:

125 gr. butter
60 gr. sugar
50 gr. almonds
1 med. egg
175 gr. flour

Blend the almonds to create almond meal.



Next flour up your baking board, a staple in most German household, so that your ingredients don't stick.


Knead all the ingredients together into a ball, wrap in aluminum foil and stick it in the fridge an hour.

Pre-heat oven 350 degrees, and prep cookie sheet with parchment paper. Typically I prefer to use dark parchment paper but I have to go to a specialty store to buy it and well, I just used what I had! I think the cookies just brown nicer with darker paper.


Re-flour baking board and roll out chilled dough.


Cut out the cookies (I read in Martha Stewart that chilled dough gives off crisper cookie cut-outs) and place onto cookie sheet.

While cookies are baking for 8 - 12 min., assemble glaze.

200 gr. powdered sugar
3 - 4 tblsp. lemon juice
a couple of drops of food coloring (I used 2 tbsp. of jelly instead)

note: I had a ton of glaze left over, so I would probably reduce the first2 ingredients by a 4th, and actually, I'd use less lemon juice because it is awfully lemony (at least for my liking!)

mix lemon juice with powder

added the jelly

After cookies come out of the oven, let cool for a few minutes on the rack and then proceed to glaze cookies. I ended up having to use a chopstick because the snowflake fingers were so thin and my brush too big. Although they took me forever to glaze, I think they came out pretty.

Final product! a tin full of cookies!