checking in...

hi peeps...

I'm here...thanks for checking in with me. i'm just feeling very unmotivated.

beaten by work and the uncertainity of what is to come.

i had a busy Memorial Day weekend working on our patio, we didnt get to finish it so i am hoping that we wrap this project up this weekend. and this is the last one before our vacation on the 19th.

i'm beginning to feel antsy. like i need to go back to school. part of me feels like i should be going back for my masters in Intl Bus, but i feel like perhaps it will be useless here in Michigan. Not a whole lot business wise seems to be going on and do i really want to spend another x amount on student loans?!

part of my really regrets not getting my degree in Interior Decorating, it's the only blow-off course I took my entire 4 years in HS, and to say I enjoyed that semester would be an understatement. i loved it!

i just never thought i could make a career out of it, or maybe i was more fearful of what people thought. the plan had always been to become a lawyer. i worked in a law firm throughout college and then realized that amount of time i would have to sacrifice to become a star and all the money in the world wasnt worth it to me. i love my free time. i love to travel and my 3 weeks vacation already seems not enough.

i'm torn...Eastern offers a program for those already with a Bachelors to get a secondary degree and part of me really wants to enroll but part of me is really scared. and i couldnt tell you of what...

i'm a risk taker when it comes to stuff i know i can control but these big things, like life...i dont know...what if i couldnt find a job once i got a degree. not that i planned on quitting my job but if already down to part-time, why not take some classes!?

the more i work at this job, the more i realize that the money i make does not make me happy for the 10 hrs i spend commuting and at work. and that by me embracing this part-time status, even though it means i will make less per hour, i am excited and happy about the things i can accomplish at home, so maybe now is the time to make the change, regardless of what people will say or think.

if i only weren't so damn indecisive!!! and loved expensive stuff..

the verdict is in

i was chatting with one of my boss' today regarding the state of things when he casually mentioned that for those they decide to keep, as in not laid off, they are suggesting they take some unpaid leave. as much as they would like for the next 4 months.

to say i freaked out a tad would be an understatement. i called everyone i knew who could relate and sought guidance.

what do i do?!

i'm assuming, by our conversation, that i will be one of those making the cut. because i make the cut, does that mean i need to take some time off? it was never explicitly said we need to but i doubt they would be offering it if they didn't want us to take it right?

i wont be able to claim unemployment because we wont be technically considered 'laid off' but merely taking unpaid vacation.

i cant take the 4 months off completely but i could work 80 hrs a month and get by, and this is what i am seriously considering.

money is tight, the company needs to save some money, is it my civil duty to take some time off when i can afford that?

gosh...i just hope i can still work the full month of june before i take some time off.

looks like that laundry list i created for nate can now be tackled by moi?! i'll be sewer/wood worker before you know it!

Have a Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!

over use of the word 'man'

god...who else thinks today is friday?!

eff me, man....

anyways, i just realized that i never finished me weekend recap and since this weekend is almost upon us and i plan on showing pics of this upcoming weekend, i better catch up on last weekend.

so, sunday morning my alarm goes off at 7:30. yup...7 fricken 30 because this chica had plans to meet up her gf at Eastern Market. Don't quote me on this but I think once a summer they have this thing called Flower Days and all these vendors come and sell their flats of flowers, etc. and since i am in the process of beautifying my surroundings, well I needed me some flowers.

the actual process of getting there wasn't bad except for the half hour wait to get off at the exit, and the then half hour i circled trying to find a parking spot and then i parked illegally. probably too close to a fire hydrant but i was willing to take that risk.

at around 1 we decided we had had enough of that pop stand and came back to my place for a bbq, which then turned into us laying the pavers for my retaining wall...it looks cute...effin cute...pictures to come of my beautiful flowers!!!

and that was it...to say I was exhausted would have been an understatement but it felt great and i love looking out my kitchen window and seeing my flowerbed. what an accomplishment man...

Hi...I'm crabby

i just wanna know if i'll have a job!?

is that so much to ask... i feel like i cant plan anything and i already have that feeling 3/4ths of the time.

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO BUDGET....

i have all these great ideas and right now i cant focus on one because all im worrying about is paying off my bills.

i cant even enjoy shopping...i had these great plans to go to the mall wtih coupons and rewards but no...for fear i may have them look up my card number or dole out cash, i'm not.

i hate this... to live like this is no way...

and yet i still try to realize how fortunate i am compared to so many other detroiters who've not only lost jobs, homes and their fortune.

selfish much?!

the weekend in two parts...Part 1...

i had a frickin' fabulous weekend. seriously. oh. my. god.

I dont remember what we did Friday night but lately it's been just staying in and going to bed by like 10:30, which ended up being really great because it got me outta bed by 9 on Saturday.

Late for some, I'm sure, but we typically dont roll outta bed on the weekends until 11 or so. Needless to say, I was the only one up for the first 2 hours and I was able to clean undisturbed. I was on a roll and by the time my men woke up, my bro stays with us on the weekends, i had already accomplished so much! I really needed that because the past two weekends had us so busy I hadnt gotten around to cleaning.

I have a confession: in the past...I'd maybe clean every quarter...gross I know right? But since I've pledged to fabulousity...it means a clean home! i had been sticking to my guns for about 3 weeks and then the last two had just been so busy with engagements that i had let it slip and it's amazing how it really affected my mood!!

In my attempt to cut the bills, I've been attempting to recycle. By that I mean, antique/thrift etc. Well, that and I envision owning this beautiful French Provincial claw footed dresser for my bedroom makeover. I didn't get far on Saturday, although I did find this cute little bench which I may have to go back for. A Home Goods recently opened by us so I went there for the first time, and oh. my. god. what fabulous prices!? seriously... i couldnt believe it!!! i'll definitely be checking in there on a weekly basis from now on. I bought these cute little lanterns for my newly planted flower bed. I cant wait to show you guys pictures!! Those will probably be coming this weekend since we still had/have some frost at night.

I also bought all the pavers for the edging of my flower bed. Heavy...lemme tell you..but I'm so proud. Nate has made me do most of the work since this is 'my' project but I am so proud of it. I've put a lot of work and thought into how I wanted this to look and I can't wait for the flowers to be in the ground!!

for the evening we had tried to get some couples over, but it ended up being a guys night in. Rock Band...wooohooo...I holed up in my craft room...fiddling around with my sewing machine, which ive had forever but have no clue how to use. It was chill. I needed that since all the shopping wore me out...not only that but Sunday was going to be another early one...

band-aide

please explain to me, with these tough economic conditions, remember... i live in michigan, in the heart of the automakers...and some people don't realize the direness of our situation...

the townhall meeting was very matter of fact, although the doors will not be closing next Friday, it was conveyed to us we only have work through the end of June.

they are working on outsourcing some of our departments but there will be layoffs unless some miracle happens within the next 45 some days.

i'd say a good half of the group, and mind you, not including the line workers, we only are 10 or 12, had no fricken clue how bad it was. i guess those cars not rolling off the line weren't a sign or that we haven't had any real work in nearly 4 weeks.

this one dude, just took a loan out against his house so that he could give his wifey liposuction and a tummy tuck.

i am amazed by the naivete of people. like, really, do you not listen or watch the news?!

nate and i have been trying to slash our bills for months, cutting back on our cellphone plan or even cable plan. you name it, we are trying to save money everywhere.

so am I worried? no.

yes, it came a lot faster than i had anticipated. i had planned it to be this fall, i had set up my debt paying off for fall but oh well...so i wont be completely debt free but i will have most of it paid off.

i think a huge part of it for me too is a status thing but now, being employed seems to be much rarer than being unemployed. i started looking last night, found a few positions i plan on applying to this weekend but if i dont find something right away that will be ok tooo. i would really like to get the house straightened up and work on some projects, so we'll see.

still keeping those fingers crossed that everything will be fine but also trying to be realistic.

oh sh!t

soooooo...I've been MIA because I've not really had anything interesting going on and do you really want to hear how I  spent Mother's Day hunched over my mom's 2 yr old stinky pond?!

i sure as hell don't....

fast forward to today....I may be laid off tomorrow at 12:30. Yup, the rumor mill has announced that we will be shutting our doors on the 22nd and part of me believes it. Too many closed door meetings, anyways... I dont know if I should be elated or depressed.

Part of me is excited because sometimes I really fuckin hate that place and other times, well health insurance is pretty damn nice...

guess i better get those eyes checked..

who knew!?

who the frick knew i still had readers!? awesome... i can tell i pissed some peeps off... but really, it was about me.

my anger at my inability to do stuff because of my back.
my inability to follow through when i really know what i need to do.

prime example this morning while at PT...

every day i go in, i ask if i can do this or that etc. i know lunges are out of the question so i dont even bother with lower body workout besides biking and walking. but i asked if i could start up with jumping rope and push ups.

so of course he wants to see my form.....excellent he said.
then, he had me jump rope...said i couldn't hold out 2 mins...fucker...i lasted 5 and could have gone on. once again, he was impressed.

then after i had shuffled across the floor with a 6 lb dumbbell, he says, ok.. you can go. and i open my mouth and ask, what? no skull crushers today? he sorta looked at me, surprised and says.. wow, you want more? i dont think ive ever told you those are skull crushers huh?

ok...perhaps that whole scenario sounds condescending but i genuinely like the guy and i know he is helping me get better but what i hate is that he just may think i'm stupid/ignorant/lazy etc because i have a few, or 30 lbs, too many on my frame.

thats MY FRICKIN PROBLEM... i deserve better for myself. i know what to do so i can/should be able to lose weight but for a couple of reasons i'm not:

1. call it laziness or whatever but 2.5 hrs in the car does not help, i lose a lot of my day.
2. i give in, a lot! no one forces me but i just refuse to look at the bigger picture because....
3. (and i've mentioned this before) i'm at the highest weight i should be at, which means the horribleness i felt about myself at 191 is gone...i feel pretty good now, not great but obviously not frustrated enough for me to curb my indulgences

so ladies, if i offended anyone, please forgive me, it really meant nothing about you, and yes i agree... if i were in the situation where TBL are, I'd have lost 50 lbs too.

and i think #3 explains Amy's point pretty well, my focus, to some degree, has changed as will every ones, and perhaps this very moment shouldnt be focused on losing but on wellness.

so maybe i should change my title? something more generalized?

i would hate for peeps to think this is a weight loss blog when so little weight is being lost.

it's ok to cry

oh. my. gawd.

if you arent/weren't inspired by TBL, well, i don't know what to tell you.

i hate tara but i love her at the same time. oh my gawd...she is amazing. truly amazing.

don't even get me started on helen, she so sold her daughter out so that she could look smokin for her younger hubby.

ron and mike are a whole nother story...i'm not even touching that. although, there was on point that really stuck with me and that was when jillian visited with mike.

she told him to embrace his hurt. the feelings of being fat because by him rejecting those, are preventing him from succeeding and i agree with that.

now lemme preface by saying this is my opinion so dont bother commenting nay-saying..but there are so many of us weight bloggers and yet it seems so little ever achieve their goal weight. but then again, it could only be me. i surround myself with other not quite achievers.

i was dealt a HUGE setback and to see myself falling apart more and more every day and not really being able to stop it, is killing me.

i am not choosing to not workout. i went from working out at least an hour to now only working out a max of 40 mins. half of which is stretching exercises. yet i know i cant push my body any further, the minute i do, i'm back to waddling like an old lady. this tiny setback now will prevent me from having far bigger problems in the future.

i think we've all seen what persistance can do...just look at Tara, and Ron. I would have never guessed in a million years that that old man would one of the possible Final 3.

Cinco de Mayo

is this my first may post? damn... anyways...

Happy Cinco de Mayo bitches!!!! no offense anyone.... i use that term endearingly...

so... life has been a tad crazy...family drama, work drama...i'm just beaten.

i was really down last Friday/weekend but I'm trying to stand my ground and realize I can only do so much and the sad reality is, it will never be enough.

I've come to realize that when people ask for help, they dont want help as per the Merriam dictionary...

help: to give assistance or support to

they want you to frickin do it for them and the reality is I am a helpful person and I try to help but I just can't do it all anymore.

I'm finally saying No. I have to, it's wearing on me, and the worst part is, I get it thrown in my face that a) I'm not a team player or b) I don't help.

It's hard having to deal with the fact that no matter what you do and no matter how much you help, sometimes it just isn't enough.

I've spent enough time crying, angry, resentful because people don't realize just how much I help and this leads me to binge eating. I don't get the thank you I deserve so I go to food because it comforts me. Not as much as it used too but enough to quench those feelings for a bit, but that hasn't even been helping me lately. My anger and resentment has grown so much that the hole inside me is insatiable and with that I have had to make the painful decision of not only saying No but trying to not let the consequences affect me.

It is easier said than done but I know now that I have given my all and there is nothing left to give and with that I am letting the repercussions fall as they may. It's becoming easier and easier to say, oh well.... c'est la vie...

Ya'll all know I've struggled to get into the low 170's/160's and I truly think it's because I am not dealing with these individual people. That I am beating myself up because it's never enough. Not anymore. I won't stop helping but I refuse to feel guilty for their shortcomings.