sleeping with the enemy

sure, i could list you excuses, but who wants them!? because in the end, that is all that they are.

it comes down to the fact that i let a stressful situation get to me and i ate, stopped working out. shut down.

then last week, when i wasn't in this stressful situation another stressful situation came up. and this one furthered me downward spiral. i came home at night, ate candy after candy, watched tv and at 9 went to bed.

thats it. nothing more, nothing less.

state of the economy

is an excuse of which i am getting really tired of.

i tried calling my credit card company the other day to reduce my apr and the fucker actually had the audacity to tell me that my apr is being raised 5% because of this, the state of the economy, so forget that i pay my bills on time or that i have a decent credit score...

then while at training on tuesday, my boss got let go. holy moly... no one saw that coming. the saddest part was that he actually came in yesterday ... word had it he hadnt told his wifey yet...

and the icing, 3% pay cut and a 20% increase in healthcare costs... i really dont mind either. i'm seriously so thankful to still have a job that i would have given up 5% of my salary.. maybe more.

things are just seriously gloomy right... i mean i drive up 75 to get to work and at Caniff, I see these two buildings which used to be schools that are just crumbling. and its not just these two but homes and i hope that no one is subjected to such dire living conditions.

for someone who was,is so hopeful for Barack Obama's term, and who knows that it would get worse before it got better, i need a moral boost. i just feel defeated right now.

is anyone else feeling that way?

living the way

how often do you actually hear it described that way huh?

hardly, considering usually we are inserting "the way of life", in astericks of course, since the word 'diet' is obviously taboo...

i really thought about that while i was traipsing through the snow up at Boyne over the weekend. we typically spend one weekend in February with our friends up at their cottage in Kalkaska and while i was not in the mood to attempt snowboarding again, i went snowshoeing instead and lemme tell ya, that was probably just as equally a good workout as snowboarding.

lemme tell ya, i was not looking forward to this trip. i dont think id dislike snowboarding as much, if we were to actually do it on a regular basis and not once a year. after two hours of being on, i mean in,the snow, i've just had enough of it. i am frustrated. annoyed. mad as hell, so i contemplated spending the day at the spa, but alas with possible pay cuts in the future and the cheapest package i would be interested in at $300, i joined my gals in snowshoeing. we were probably out there for a good 2.5 hrs and that gives you some time to think.

i am not athletically inclined.
could it be my upbringing? for sure! we never really did adventours things. i mean, i spent my summers in germany and some of the only things we'd do is bike ride. a vacaton, getaway for me involves doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, if we are visiting a new city we definately sight see but we have never scheduled a vacation around an activity/sport.

i realized though that is just not feasible, long term. sure, i can be a tad more lenient with food when i'm on a trip but i can't stop working out and eating crazily. as with any other change we make and commit too, it needs to start in the head. i need to accept that and start making changes towards it. yet why, is this so difficult?! why can't i let go of old mentalities and embrace new ones?!

why. is. this. so. hard?

whhoooo....

my dad is leaving today and to say i am anything but excited would be an understatement. don't get me wrong, i love my dad but having him here for a week and a half really does a number on my routine and...er.....uh.....scale.

yuppers, i am flirting with the 180's again...ok, not really, i haven't crossed over yet but i swear it gets closer and closer everyday.

i could list a ton of excuses as to how this was possible but it comes down to the fact that i havent been watching or caring. it doenst stop me from driving thru Arby's and getting those delicous eggrolls and a jamocha shake. it doesnt stop me from running into the basement and getting frozen candy out of the freezer. i've just said eff it.

honestly, its felt frickin great, eating what i want without any thought. the downside is my tummy has been so full. so uncomfortably full that i may actually be ready to say enough is enough. i cant handle it anymore but before i did that i needed to say it on here.

i'm not perfect.
i'm not always consistent.
but, i am not giving up.

Dinner

so remember back in January when I gave up cooking during the week?

to say I fell head over heels in love with it would be an understatement. god, the stress i dont have in my life anymore is fabulous. and time... ok, i dont have that much more time but at least an extra hour or two. so instead of going to bed at midnight, i can aim for 10 because i'm not heading to the gym at 8:30/9 o'clock.

whereas nate was very much against it. hated that i wouldnt cook anymore blah blah blah. although i can say that towards the end of the month, we had definitely worked out a good routine and had some nice alternatives for him to eat at dinner at night, none of which needed my cooking.

well, with my dad in town, i (we) have been back in the kitchen and oh holy cow do i fricken hate cooking. hate. it. i just get home too late, am always tired and wow, preparing a full meal is just overwhelming, but i'm doin it because well i need to, right?

the greatest part was when on Thursday while cooking Nate whispers into my ear "god, i really enjoyed not having to cook during the week."

SHUT. UP!

seriously, i put this decision off for over a year. a year, i tell you! and now i regret i didn't do it sooner. sure, it took nate a while to get used too but in the end..even i was able to convince him otherwise.

hhummppfff..

to say that this weekend was an emotional rollercoaster would be a tad exageration but eh.. i feel a tad dramatic right now.

little back info because i dont know if I've ever mentioned this but Nate and I have been dating for almost 6 yrs in June. In his (our) group of friends, we were the first ones together and if rumor is correct, we'll be the last ones standing.

you see, Friday, I heard through the grapevine that my BIL has plans on getting engaged this year, which really isn't that big of a surprise, his gf already started talking about it last summer, after only a few months of dating. for some reason though, it just got to me.

flame me if you wish, but this is my blog and my viewpoint, so hear me out. i never thought much of marriage, half end in divorce anyways so the plan was never really for me to get married before my 30's. kids are optional but thats because i have a handicapped brother, so in some ways i've always swum upstream with nates buddies who are very much the type who got married in their mid-20's and are now having children. they can't understand that we prefer to sleep in saturday mornings and go to vegas every couple of years.

so...whats the problem you ask?!
this is why i'm annoyed:

1. i'm tired of being felt 'bad' for. seriuosly, when we are all out, it turns around as to why nate hasn't proposed to me. what i can do to make him propose to me, etc. honestly, when i'm not around this group of friends, the thought never comes up as to why we aren't married yet.
2. which annoys me even more that i am letting them get to me!? are you kidding me, since when do i care what they think? i hate to say i dont like them enough but i know them well enough to know that we are on the opposite ends of the spectrum and their opinion of me, means little.
   

so there, i spent the weekend eating away my annoyance.

yup... and i'm still feeling a tad sorry for myself but today is a new day and i need to pull myself up by my britches and trudge on..

Sundays

are my favorite day of the week..

there is nothing like sitting down to the computer with a great cup of joe, conversation and sun streaming through the window. it makes everything seem ok, doable and for just a second is the most peaceful time of the week.

i wish you guys all a great start to the week!

uhm...who me?!

so an acquaintance of mine recently started WW Online, she's not new to 'dieting' per say but is attempting to try it from a sensible approach this time. she says shes never had a weight problem until she got married and then had a baby.

she surprisingly does not have an obsession with the scale which surprised me because is that even possible? she weighed herself for the first time this week and lo and behold, no loss.

it didnt really surprise me, although she wants to lose weight i dont think she is totally commited. she frequently asks me what she should eat, what the points value are for certain foods but then always goes and makes another decision. fine, whatever, not my issue and i know when to keep my mouth shut.

so today she came to me, frustrated..

Rebecca, i really need your help. i didn't lose a single pound this week. Could you please help me create a plan.

So, I'm like..sure, so we go over a few things...and do you know she didnt even know what the 8 Healthy Guidelines were?! like... are you frickin kidding me!? either she hasnt navigated the WW site or shoot I dont even know... but i sorta gave her a run down of my food and she says..

gosh, your such an inspiration and role model. i really dont know how you do it.

i nearly welled up because wow..where did that come from? are you serious? me, inspiration and a role model?

i definitely dont feel that way. i actually feel like a bad weight loser, i give in to temptation more often than i would like, my weight loss can be sporadic and am way too hard on myself.

am i hard on myself because i dont want to make excuses for myself anymore.

i always try to see myself as if i were on TBL... if you heard me talking, will the other person think...you douche bag, stop lying to yourself and put that damn donut down and go workout because yes, that is what i sometimes think when i am watching TBL. Joelle and Tara's teammates were/are full of it.

maybe, though, just maybe what i am doing, isn't half as bad as i make it out to seem?

i mean really, ive changed my eating habits in such a way that i can sustain them for life. grabbing fruits and string cheese and edamame are just a part of my life now and that there is no quick fix. quick fixes lead to burn out and regaining. it may take me all year to lose this weight but gosh darnit... i have no other options!

idealism

there truly is never an ideal time to start a 'diet', 'life style change', whatever you wanna call it.

seriously, when are our lives ever smooth sailing? and if yours is, please, please share the secret with me because i swear, my life is never stress free!

so you do it, every day and some days are better than other days and those days that aren't that great usually lend themselves to be a lesson. a lesson that makes you just that much stronger for the next lesson until one day you know how to tackle every unforeseen event.

my dad is here for the week. usually the much dreaded visit since we eat out every. single. day. not this trip, as far as i am concerned we ate out tonight and will probably again on friday but the rest of the time will be my home sweet cookin. oh yeah baby... even though i havent been cooking during the week, i am breaking my own rule and doing it because i want to. yup, i do. i want to hit 20 lbs this month. doable? fo sho. now i just need to do it!

you ask...taking a working out break? oh no, no no no. i am hustlin' to the gym at 9 o'clock at night because this body has been worked out and ill be damned if i let it get out of shape again. yuppers...finished week 4 of the jillian workout and am officially in week 5. started it today, only to quit half way through because i didnt realize how short my shorts were and lets just say, not everyone needs to see my whoo-ha while im doing sumo squats.

in the end it comes down to this: do you want it or not?

i do....

tit for tat

so, ive been putting off posting because i'm not really quite sure where i want to take this post.

let me just state, it has nothing to do with leaving blogland or anything.

i just hate to admit that perhaps i have gotten a tad cocky.

i'm at a weight where i am 'comfortable' and by that i mean, i'm not as obsessed as i had been with losing weight. i enjoy this stage because i can wear stuff that I hadn't worn in a while and because i know i can go to certain stores and clothes will fit. i feel like this is the highest weight i should ever let myself get.

my weight held pretty steady throughout last week and today it caught up with me. i was expecting it and it hit me hard.

i'm going down the same path i did over a year ago when i bottomed out at 169. it is the lowest ewight i have gotten while having this blog and i am close to putting myself through that whole ordeal again.

last week was poor planning all around. i went to the gym twice! twice! i usually go at least 4 times, and i havent even completed my week 4 (last workout is tonight!) of Jillian's workout yet.

eating wasnt even half bad. to say i enjoy what i am eating now would be dead-on. i hate eating carby stuff at night, it just bloats me and makes me feel uncomfortably full. if anything, i noticed this past week more sweets slipped into my eating. i'd say half of the time, i didnt even want them but because someone else around me was having them, i felt i needed them too. and that needs to stop especially if i dont even want it!

the majority of the time i have it figured out and feel on top of the world for doing what i am doing. the healthy eating, the working out, i do genuinely enjoy it and then the other times i wake up and think, fuck, i have to do this for the rest of my life. and it seems overwhelming. i've gotten really great at only focusing on today while having the larger picture in the back of mind but last week was just one of those, 'fuck' weeks.

nate and i are leaving for Germany June 20th, to spend a week at the North Sea and i need to keep my eyes on that. i don't plan on being at goal but hot damn i do plan on being in a bikini and i know how much yall want to see the bikini countdown pictures... ;)

that being said, my week is planned, every meal, and workout session. i need to cut back on going out and just focus on the gym and food. February is already pretty close to being half way over!

What Not To Be at 70

so, on Saturday when Nate and I were at the 65th Wedding Anniversary, we got stuck at the table with this old lady.

very nice, dont get me wrong but I would have preferred to be at the kids table for once although the lady next to me has traveled all over Europe so the conversation was somewhat comfortable but I digress...

at one point during the lunch, this old lady starts talking to this middle aged lady about dieting!

are you kidding me!? shouldnt you not be concerned about this anymore at 70+ yrs old! i mean really now, is this what you want to be discussing a few years before you croak? i would hope not but thank you for not talking about your hemorrhoids.

i think it was then that i realized what my uncle so eloquently put in this post, there just comes a point where you dont talk about it anymore. you just do it and that is what i did. i ate my salad and listened as these two ladies went on and on.

don't get me wrong, i love talking about dieting and weight loss but I've come to the realization, I only like to do it with peeps whom I know are serious about it. Who don't view it as 'dieting' or 'restricting', as corny as it sounds, it really is a way of life. i don't want to hear about the latest 100 calorie snack pack when all you talk about is how your trying to lose weight yet every morning you come in hung over with a smoothie from Dunkin Donuts!

i don't try to be judgmental because i know i did the same thing at one point but really now!?
you see what i do, you see i get results and you want me to cheer you on!?

gosh..who knew one of the downsides to losing weight would be impatience!? it reminds me of that movie with Meg Ryan, Jada Pinket Smith and those other ladies.

Jada plays a lesbian who is dating this supermodel and they wonder why the supermodel has anger issues and one of them says its because she's hungry! hahaha... awesome.

Hammer Time

6:45 AM white getting dressed in the bedroom:

I really need new black pants. These are close to falling off.

7:00 AM, in the kitchen, Nate tries to smack my ass, and can't find it:

Damn, I think MC Hammer had smaller pants than those.

Consensus: I need new pants, ASAP!

Sex and the City-ish

that's how the weekend felt!!

i still can't get over how busy January was for me... it makes me think of times past where by the end of January I was so burnt out because I had refused to make any plans because I wanted to solely focus on weight-loss. and this time, i feel great! i actually feel more pumped for February than I thought I could have. it sure helps that 175 popped up on the scale again today! woohoo...

Friday night, Nate and I went to one of our fave sushi places and we just had a great time! We hadnt spent a lot of time together during the week because I was out and about two nights in a row and it just really hit home with me that we need our space. Not as in me moving out, but with us carpooling together and being together 24/7 can be somewhat suffocating. we run out of 'new' stuff to talk about and just get on each others nerves. i sound horrible, don't i!? oh god... please someone else tell me you go through these phases as well!

Saturday we celebrated his grandparents 65th wedding anniversary and wow, talk about a lot of compliments. the great thing too was that my weight wasnt mentioned, lets just say the words used were lovely, radiant, etc. i couldnt believe it, made me feel very good because i was feeling quite a bit down, more on this later though. I had the most wonderful Beef Tips on Spinach salad ever! Oh my god... I'm not really a fan of spinach salad but with this homemade vinaigrette and the beef tips with horsy sauce. Heaven!!! (Dude...did i just type that my salad was like heaven?! Maybe I should be commited...) Then Saturday night was girls night out since we were celebrating my gf's birthday! Unfortunately, I had one too many which took the evening from being fun to blah...at least on Sunday! But it's all good...you need those evenings to remember why you drink responsibly.

did i mention i can't believe it's already February!? holy moly!!! only 4 more months until the summer!!!