Happy Cinco de Mayo bitches!!!! no offense anyone.... i use that term endearingly...
so... life has been a tad crazy...family drama, work drama...i'm just beaten.
i was really down last Friday/weekend but I'm trying to stand my ground and realize I can only do so much and the sad reality is, it will never be enough.
I've come to realize that when people ask for help, they dont want help as per the Merriam dictionary...
help: to give assistance or support to
they want you to frickin do it for them and the reality is I am a helpful person and I try to help but I just can't do it all anymore.
I'm finally saying No. I have to, it's wearing on me, and the worst part is, I get it thrown in my face that a) I'm not a team player or b) I don't help.
It's hard having to deal with the fact that no matter what you do and no matter how much you help, sometimes it just isn't enough.
I've spent enough time crying, angry, resentful because people don't realize just how much I help and this leads me to binge eating. I don't get the thank you I deserve so I go to food because it comforts me. Not as much as it used too but enough to quench those feelings for a bit, but that hasn't even been helping me lately. My anger and resentment has grown so much that the hole inside me is insatiable and with that I have had to make the painful decision of not only saying No but trying to not let the consequences affect me.
It is easier said than done but I know now that I have given my all and there is nothing left to give and with that I am letting the repercussions fall as they may. It's becoming easier and easier to say, oh well.... c'est la vie...
Ya'll all know I've struggled to get into the low 170's/160's and I truly think it's because I am not dealing with these individual people. That I am beating myself up because it's never enough. Not anymore. I won't stop helping but I refuse to feel guilty for their shortcomings.