desperation

i wish i could bottle this desperation up for when things get easier, when i start losing that drive that i currently have.

these past few days have been easy. not thinking twice about why i'm doing what i am. i have to. i'm not happy in my body regardless of how many compliments i get for my outfits.

despite my left leg pain, i'm working out. elipticizing since that is the only thing that doesnt make it hurt more. i started jillians weight routine again, only the arm portion though, since i dont want any unnecessary stress on my legs

bringing my lunches, salad, yogurt, hard-boiled eggs. it's not that the snacks were difficult but damn did i forget the time it takes to prepare a salad. 

it really was just time for me to stop making excuses.

this i know for sure

• i'm still down a 0.5 lb
• that today wasn't as dark as yesterday nor the day before that
  
• that sometimes you have to learn your own lessons regardless of whether you knew better, were advised to not get too involved/attached
  
• that sometimes when you stand up for yourself, you still leave having lost the battle

above all though, i'm still here, fighting the fight and i'm not gonna give up regardless of how often i get trampled on.

why?

we all know a year ago, i majorly fell off the wagon.

it had taken me 2 years to lose 20+ lbs and somehow within months, i gained most of it back. to top it off, i've been lacking the commitment to get where i need to be.

why is that?

i think i'm finally realizing that i am drowning. i dont know the answers to the simplest questions.
or is it, that i just don't want to acknowledge them because if i do and still don't follow them, am i fake?

in two weeks i'm back to germany, in over a year, and i'm already dreading it. part of me just wants 2 weeks seclusion so i can think over all my issues but that doesnt really make it any better does it? if anything, it makes it worse. because i know, at least i think i know, what i should be doing, but i don't do it.

i feel a lot of resent towards the people closest to me. ha...all of two maybe three. i need to work this out and i don't think i am the one who can do it on her own.

i need help.

and i just may be ready to seek it out.