i never made it to Oregon

yes...i've been off the wagon. the exercise wagon.

and maybe the food wagon...i dont know.

i refuse to sit here and type...pity me this isnt coming off when i'm shoveling in twix and snickers.

i was so excited that this was the first winter where i wasn't afflicted by the winter depression. granted i had my days but nothing like in years past.

so WHY, WHY is it that with Spring right around the corner, I more or less took a week off of working out? eating was ok, but not anything that is going to lend results.

i was at a party last night where the hostess had signed up with The Medical Weight Loss program. She lost 40 lbs in 12 weeks. Need I go on?

ladies...please tell me there is no fast solution to this!

Happy Easter!

two weeks of not posting my weight...damn, i need to get better control of this thing. fear not, it has not been disastrous, not necessarily what i have wanted but by far not horrendous.



i'm quote geeked about this past weeks weigh-in. this is the weigh-in before my tom. i have yet ever to lose weight on one of these fridays, usually i'm up a couple of pounds.

on top of that, ive eaten out every day of this week!

i must say, the previous week, where i was up a pound is when i seriously started busting ass at the gym again. it pretty much continued to this past week. granted i didnt make it to the gym but i have a perfectly fine piece of equipment sitting in my workout room.

the nutritionist and i were going over my food log, and i was explaining how eating out will always be my downfall and yada yada yada yada. she looked at me and said. "i don't know what your talking about. you have three nutritional print outs here and chose based on what you still needed to take in. you aren' letting eating out affect your diet at all. you need to stop this negative self-talk because you are making changes but for whatever reason you aren't allowing yourself to realize those."

it was embarrassing, eye opening, and exactly what i needed. why is it that to me, whatever i do is never good enough,is it the perfectionist in me? perhaps... or is it just an out, the easy route to being/staying fat?

the beginning of the end

sorry for the lack of posts. i havent fallen off the wagon. things have just been crazy busy.

it all started last thursday, things sort of went downhill for a while, just complete BS that I couldnt really control but I still let it get to me. i think it wasn't until Monday that I finally snapped out of it. friday night we had a charity bowl event, and then saturday i attended my first sex toy party and sunday nates grandma turned 90 and we celebrated that at brunch. oh, and later that evening my dad arrived.
that one totally snuck up on me. granted i knew a week ago he planned on arriving but yeah...it all happened so fast!

with that, i've had my struggles for the week. first off, lots of eating out, my dad shows his appreciation by taking us out and since i want to spend as much time with him as possible, i'm going out to eat. the second obstable is working out. i'm trying to workout without spending my entire evening in the gym.

you know what....i think i've finally figured it out. i can't blame the situation or the person for wanting me to go out to eat, to the bar, to a party. it's not their issue, it's my issue with food. just because i am invited to dinner, the bar or a party doesnt mean they are going to handcuff me to the table and force feed me chips and queso. no one has ever told me to get piss ass drunk so that my willpower to not go through the drive thru of Taco Bell at 3 at night. Why do I do it? I'm still working on that. It's time to take responsibility. I am the only one who is in charge of my behavior and I'm tired of the same old, same old. It hasn't worked in the past and I don't think it's going to work in the future.

so...what did i change? first off, I'm still eating normal during the day whereas in the past knowing that I would be going out at night would somehow give me the ok to eat what i wanted during the day leading up to the meal. I'm definately trying to stop eating when I'm full, regardless of how great it tastes.

secondly, exercising. realisticallyt, i'm not making it to the gym. i would end up not seeing my dad at all but i do have an elliptical at my house...whats the excuse of not getting on that?! granted i'm not on it until late but otherwise i'd just be t vegging out on the couch, right?

i want this. i'm tired of coming on here and complaining about a lack of a loss when the only thing standing in the way is myself. ok...maybe i'm exagerating a tad because hormonal stuff does come up but honestly there is no excuse i cant be working out at least 5 times a week.

it's about prioritizing whats important to you and this is important to me. and i cant prevent these situations from arising. there was a time where i swore off all contact with people because i was dieting. that for sure as hell didnt help the whole effort. if anything it made it worse because i was depressive because i was never doing anything.

i feel like i've just finished the outline of my puzzle and now i'm putting the rest of the pieces in it. it's all coming together. and it feels GREAT!

point taken

holy moly...what the hell is up with the gym goers? i swear, it's worse than when we signed up in January! maybe the day light savings time has people a little nervous that summer is just around the corner!

my second class was good. the other participant didn't show up, so it was just the nutritionist and i. i really wanted us to focus on my food journal and see what she thought of my eating habits. between looking at my journal and us talking about various aspects of it, it took the majority of the class time. we also spent about 15 minutes going over labels she had brought in or others from another class she had. it really is interesting all the food you can eat just by switching to a different brand or so.

the way it happened was...we went through my days 1 by 1 and the first four days were stellar. after that was when some not so great choices started appearing, and I of course had to validate why I did what I did. Mary didnt really comment, or listened but that was that. She knows I'm a former WW and commented on my great journaling ability. HA! Anyways, after all had been done and we were sitting there for a minute or two, she closed my journal, turned to me and said " I dont think you want this bad enough." I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. So me now trying to come up with more excuses am rambling and of course she listens and ends with. "You know what you need to do but you arent doing it. You know what you should be eating but choose not to. You need to assess how badly you want to lose weight and then you will." She went on about sure I'll hit platueaus but what I am experiencing now isnt a typical platuea but a self-induced one. She knew I was offended but I hope she knew I had to hear it.

I hadn't been able to tell her how my eating had been the previous few weeks, because I had been "using" spark people but since my promotion with not being allowed to use the internet, i completely stopped using it, so I'm thinking pen and paper is the way for a while now.

Yes, I shouldnt have had Wendys. I wasnt hungry. We had food in the house. I could have ordered that Taco Bell fresco style and I really didnt need those chips and salsa as well as dessert at Chilis.

It got me wondering if I am addicted to the weight loss game. The up and down, and off and on that comes along with trying to lose weight, gaining some weight, losing some weight. It's a wretched cycle that I have submitted myself to for at least the last 5 years. Personally, I know 2 people whove lost weight and kept it off. There's K. granted it's taken her years to lose 50+ lbs, but she has yet to ever gain any of it back. Then there is R. who lost 70+ lbs in little over a year and from what I gather she has gained none of it back!

I can't dwell on the last month and a half, i need to charge forward. there are only 2 more months till summer and i want to be buff. Taken that into consideration, i've really ramped up my workouts this week. It's time for me to switch up my weight routine, maybe add an extra class or two to the schedule and just focus on that.

ooppppsssss..a tad late

sorry about the delay in posting, my internet has been off and on since Wednesday. amazing all the stuff i was able to do this weekend. makes me seriously consider getting rid of it. i'm a slave to the web, i admit that!

here is the scoop...


not bad eh? lets see if i can keep this momentum up for the next few weeks!

a few things i've taken note on:
1) although nate and i are both working out and trying to be healthier, if he decides he doesn't want to workout or eat healthy, i let his bad choices stop me from making good choices. definately NOT what I want to be happening. whereas if I decide I want a burger or not to workout, he'll still go ahead and continue on his healthy path.

2) i still seriously struggle with the weekends. no, let me rephrase, there are certain meals during the weekends where I just go to town. thankfully, i have reached a point where i can totally bounce back the very next meal but i worry that these free for alls may just be what is keeping me in the zone that i currently am in.

my second nutrition class is tonight, hopefully we can target a few issues i am having.

hooky

is what i am playing today. after a massive snow fall, again, i refused to drive at least two hours to work. i don't normally do this but damn, there have been so many days this past winter where i've spent way too many hours in the car.

so..what have i been doing today? not a whole lot of anything, which is fine by me. you just need one of those days every now and then.

how'd my first nutrition class go?

not bad. we set my calories at 1700, but that wasn't what she stressed. she stressed the importance of eating (please note these are servings designed for me) 8 starches, 8 proteins, 6 vegetables, 3 fruits, 2 milks, and 9 fats.

oddly enough i cant remember the exact WW principals so i cant compare although but I'm thinking maybe 2 milk servings, 7 to 8 fruit/veggie servings.

if I'm not eating out or junk, it seems like I struggle consuming 1800 cals. yesterday while at work i consumed barely 1000 cals. I didn't feel hungry, definately a tad sluggish but no real hunger pains, something which i'm trying to utilize as a signal as when to eat.

Except for fruit and milk, I didn't consume all of my recommended amount. A great focus for this week.

It makes me wonder too if this lack of combination just maybe has stalled my weightloss.

or maybe

I'll have one on month, then an off month and so on and on.

Either way we know there is no rhyme or reason to this, so we'll just see how it goes.

goals

i was just looking over my monthly posts and i realized i only blogged 6 times in february and had an overall gain of a 1.5 lbs.

whereas i blogged 11 times in january and lost 9.5 lbs. i had a consistent loss for nearly 3 weeks!

correlation? maybe. i definately know that when i am on the web, blogging, i tend to do better than when I am not.

does anyone else feel that way?

usually when someone tends to disappear for a longer time, they have most likely fallen off the wagon.

its 3 weeks till Easter and I have yet to eat a Cadbury Creme Egg. 2 Easters ago, I couldnt get enough of them. Last year I
even threw some away and this year. i dont know. I'm just not craving chocolate the way i used to.

At the grocery store yesterday I bought a Milka Whole Hazelnut Chocolate bar and ate that. I enjoyed it, had been wanting one for a while and now I seem set. Whereas in the past, that would have set off an entire binge on various candy bars. It's really bizarre but my chocolate cravings are fewer and fewer.

For my past period, I didnt have any of the symptoms that I usually display. Could it be the healthy eating?

I'm really watching my processed food intake. I'm buying less and less of it. In the past, I wouldnt bring it into the house because out of sight out of mind but now..it's rare that I do crave it and if I do want something I buy the 0.99 bag and eat that and call it a day.

they say you learn something every time you lose/gain weight, do you have to go through this cycle a few times before you actually reach that final point where you know you won't backslide?

i know i've been frustrated lately with the lack of weightloss and its been by my own doing because i sat here and charted out this course if I lose x weight by y date then i'd have reached goal by the 4th of July. i just need to stop doing that and
focusing on healthy eating and regular exercise.

and that is my goal for this month.

oh, and getting below the 180's. =)

My Fair Brady...Maybe Baby?

dont tell me it's been another week.

is anyone else amazed that it's already frickin march?!

ok so how did february end...



i think the worse thing though is looking over the month and realizing that i didn't give my 100%. i had more off days than i did on days, and by that i mean exercising.

my "trainer" informed me last week that a nutrition class was being offered and although i missed the first class, i bumped into the dietician that teaches it and we chitchatted a little bit and i'm thinking of taking it.

there is no magic cure. i know this and yet it seems like i still search one out. in the end every diet book says the same bs, and yet each month there seems to be a new best seller out there, and i dont want this to be another diet book. this class costs too much for me not to really take something from it yet i also feel at a loss. something isn't budging.

i'll let you know how it was tomorrow.

btw..sorry for the lack of posts. unfortunately there is a zero tolerance internet usage in my new department and if your caught goofing off on the internet, your outta there. by the time i get home at night, there is rarely enough time for me to catch up on your blogs. i'm working on creating a better system though.

have a great week!