but, before i type this, i would like to express that i really needed to get this off my chest so I don't really know if I'm looking for advice more so support because whomever i try to talk to about this, just doesn't understand. i believe it has a lot to do with the fact that the Mid West has it's very own culture for girls. Or maybe it's just the people I associate with. No..I don't think it's that but whatever. here we go!
problem 1 : nate and i started dating 5 years ago. 5 years ago we were the first to start dating. fast forward to today, we are attending the last wedding of our buddies in may. note: nate and i are not married.
honestly, i've never been a huge " oh my god, my life won't be whole until i'm married with 2 kids." i just really want the ring, nothing less than two carats but that's beside the point.
lately, i've just felt this pressure. pressure from these ladies wondering a) why we aren't at least engaged yet b) why me not being engaged yet isn't traumatic and c) if nate is upset by the fact that i want a hyphenated name why do i just not take his name (which could be the bigger problem to why we arent engaged yet!). honestly, it's affecting everything. i'm becoming this whiny person talking about weddings, getting married, etc. when in reality it really isnt that big of deal. it's just always brought up when someone else is planning a wedding and for the past couple of years, there is at least 1 wedding a summer!
problem 2: everyone is having babies and a) they cant ever go out and party hardy b) i feel bad that nate just may be missing out on something i'm not that into.
surprisingly, i just haven't been bullied into this one. maybe because this is such a bigger responsibility, life long decision compared to my first problem that i truly do not have any desire to have children. first off, they are expensive and secondly, eff... they are time consuming! i love, love, love not being responsible for another human being. i already feel bad enough that i cant give my handicapped bro enough attention, add in a needy mother and bf and yes, i enjoy the few free hours i get to myself on the weekend.b let me also state, i have always been very open and honest about the fact that i may not want children and nate agreed. he too is stingy with his time yet with him being 33, i just feel guilty. like my love for him isn't good enough if i don't birth his children.
final problem: up until a month and a half ago when i received my promotion, i was bummed, bummed, bummed about my lack of career.
once i had decided that law school wasn't the answer right now, i just didn't feel like i was going anywhere and that just blows when you have 20k in student loans. what happened to that ritzy career i had envisioned for myself? it leads into another problem, although they all may be related, however the Mid West is a very different area. Women my age, are married and have kids, already. Going to a martini bar most likely isn't their thing. I definitely feel in a much better situation now that I am a Customs Specialist however my concern now is...i need to go to grad school. How am I going to afford this when my company doesn't assist me and I have yet to set up a 401k because my company doesn't contribute to that either!?
The first two have really been the greatest issues.
Nate and I are at a great place right now. We're situated and looking to have a good time and the majority of our friends can't because they have so many other frickin commitments with babies or kids. It is so difficult to meet other couples with similar interests because they assume your looking to swing. SO NOT, what we are after.
I just don't know what I can do to get past these mental bumps. Should I just push it to the back of my mind? I'd say I do that the majority of the time but it's when something happens that triggers any of these 3, I hit this road block that sidelines me for a week.
maybe i need some counseling? am i having a quarter life crisis?
i've known since i was very young that i wanted to get married and have kids... it's just something i 'feel' and 'know' deep in my heart, that it's what i'm supposed to do (sort of like my purpose)... i've been dating my b/f for over 3 years and have been waiting for a ring for a long time... yes, we've talked about and though he's expressed some concerns - the fact that we don't live together is part of the reason... i told him i won't move in w/him until we're engaged - end of story...
ReplyDeletei think what you're feeling is natural - i, too, have friends that are married and have kids so can relate to not having anyone to go out with... i admit that i am jealous of their life but sometimes, can be happy with my own... being older (37) is only cause for more concern w/having children plus w/some health concerns - i constantly worry about how difficult it's going to be the longer i wait...
i don't know if i've helped but just wanted to let you know that you have every right to feel what you're feeling... i can't stress enough how important it is to talk to your b/f about your concerns, if and when you think they are getting too big to deal w/them on your own... :o)
geez, it's quarter life crises all over. I can't think of anything good to say. everyone always asks us when we're getting married and when we say "we're not" they react like we're not getting married on purpose to piss them off. I think so many people get pushed into things by other people's expectations and then they feel a need to push other people too. Half the people Matt works with are divorced and still they say we have to get married. I just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteRebecca - I didn't realize we had so much in common! I am 25, Chris is 29. We have been together for 4.5 years and have lived together for 4 years. We have joint bank account, we bought a car together, we have pets together, we'll probably buy a house together before we even get engaged. We have talked about marriage a lot and know that we will do it one day -- that day just hasn't come yet. For the most part, I'm fine with it. I am not itching for a ring (I've never been like that), and frankly, I don't need the ring to know we have that commitment to each other. But other people do need to see that ring to know we are committed, and that's what bugs me. On the "About Me" part of my blog, I say something like "my boyfriend of over 4 years". Chris once asked me why I said that. And for some reason, whenever I tell someone I have a "boyfriend", I feel the need to explain that we've been together for a long time and lived together for a long time. To me, "boyfriend" don't explain our relationship. It almost seems like it demeans what we have.
ReplyDeleteSo while I am perfectly happy in our situation, there are times when everyone else really gets me uptight and wanting a ring... NOW. And that always pisses me off. I had a good friend from college who got married last summer. She and her husband started dating when Chris and I had our 2 year anniversary. When I went down for the bachelorette party, all the girls were like, don't worry, it'll happen for you, too. It was like they pitied me or something. I was furious. I think other people just don't understand that we don't need marriage right now. Maybe they do, but we don't.
So I'm not answering any questions for you or anything, just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation and when I read your post I was like, Oh EXACTLY!!! I just try to remind myself that Chris and I know what our relationship is and what is needs. If other people don't get it, oh well. But on some days that's a lot easier said than done.
And as far as kids - most of my life I have said I wanted kids. But there had definitely been points where I faltered and really wasn't sure. It's hard because when I talked to Chris about it, he said that would be a big problem for us, if I decided I didn't want kids. I have adopted the attitude that we're not planning on having kids now, anyway, so we'll see what happens.
Hang in there... this stuff is hard, but it sounds like you got a great guy by your side to help you deal with it. Whatever his title might be, just be glad for that!
Quarter life crisis must be in the air... I've been thinking very similar thoughts lately!!!!!
ReplyDeleteNo answers for you, just letting you know I'm riding the turbulent, emotional and exciting rollercoaster, too.
i wish i had some good advice, but i don't even have a boyfriend. i need to get on that. ;o)
ReplyDeletei say relish loving and being loved!