weird place

i have a gazillion things going on in my head and i just cant seem to sort them out.

i cried for the first time in a really long time because of how fat i have gotten. did that prevent me from stuffing my face later in the day? no.

i keep on wishing for it to be january 1st so that i can "change my lifestyle" yet still continue on the bad habits that i have reverted back to.

amy wrote a great little paragraph on what i'm going through....why will this year be any different from the past? why if i am so angry/upset/frustrated with how i have become, can i still be eating until i'm ready to throw up?!

what is it going to take before i snap out of it?

Pic

And?! Whatcha think?

Granted this is an older photo (about a year), I really like it so until I take a better one, this is what you get?

Who didn't watch TBL last night?

Holy shiyat!!! Holly and Julie looked fab!! I must say I didnt expect Julie to conquer it.

Did anyone else notice that they all had a personal trainer at one time? Any word on whether that was just staged? I would be interested to know....

Month 2 End of Week 1

Just a quick update.

I'm down 0.5 lb.

I'm not happy. I struggled this week with the food. I had to constantly talk myself into not quitting.

Being fat is easy. Would be easy if I weren't constantly loathing how fat I have gotten.

I'm trying to set the foundations for the New Year. I hate that I'm pushing off this off onto the New Year but with my grandpa coming over and me hosting Christmas and every other celebration in between, I'm a tad overwhelmed.

I had the option of either working out last night or starting to clean/decorate. I chose the latter.

Speaking of which, man...I have very little decorations, so I'm off shopping tonight for some. Any suggestions for places to go for neat/unique Christmas decorations?

So far I am hitting up Pier 1, Target, Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel.

Aighty...gotta go to work!

i did it!

i just worked out for a half an hour!!!! wwwwoooooooohhhhhhhhhooooooooo.

fcuk...i really didn't want after coming home at 9:45 but then I though of all that I had already accomplished this evening and I knew I had to.

it made me wonder if i was taking advantage of nate picking up my slack.

food wise...eh. i did go to the farmers market today though and stocked up on fruit and veggies. uuhhmmm...i think the last time i did that corn was in season..

i'm watching The Hills after show so I'm gonna have to go...hopefully there will be a post from me tomorrow!

brand new month

why is it that the weeks just fly by? has it seriously already been 3 weeks since the last time i wrote? fcuk...so, i'm totally embarrassed to post my stats but there is no point in trying to deny the truth, so here it is..



uuuhhhmmmm...when i stepped on the scale this morning i honestly thought my eyes were going bad. i expected it to be bad but damn....yes, i can chalk part of it up to eating out more than i should have this week and dessert and candy but there is a bigger problem that i can't ignore...

i've lost it. i've lost the motivation to workout. i've lost the discipline and desire to be thin. i'm just a big ball of blah.

the craft fair is over, if your interested this is my crafting blog, i have no reason to not get my shit together but i just dont want to!

isn't that half the battle anyways...continuing with it when in all reality all you want to do is eat bon-bons and watch Jerry Springer?

maybe the first step is admitting that?