new week, new chance

well....it didn't get any better.

i'm expecting a gain. hopefully only a half pound but i wouldnt be surprised if i gained a full one.

unfortunately, i also only worked out 3 times.

hhhmmm...your asking, what was positive this week?! well..lemme tell you!

I started Jillian's workout and although I couldnt walk for the first half of the week. Today, Day 1 Week 2 was FRICKIN AMAZING! I feel great, a little sore now, but wow..

Ok, I truly hated it last week. I mean frickin dreaded it and although, starting out today was also a struggle, half way through i was like..

FUCK YEAH! I CAN DO THIS!

So, although I am somewhat melancholy about this past week. I will bust my bootay this week!

Have a great week ladies!

tough times

it gets easier waking up positive, it gets easier working out. what doesnt get easier is...

not letting one night out, and knowing the next night will be going out as well, affect the food in between.

now this may seem silly to some, but is a serious problem for me. it's so much easier for me to grab some dark bread, throw some salami on top of it and plan on eating out for lunch than it is for me to grab a yogurt for breakfest, and a lean cuisine for lunch.

the past few days have been exceptionally hard. i ate out last night, OTB as a matter of fact, and knew I would eat out tonight (although I had no clue what) but I perservered. I made it through today without the littlest stray from the meals I brought.

the tough part now is tomorrow.

it's friday.

friday's should be celebrated!

shouldn't two days off from work be enough of a celebration that i needn't pig out?

1 done, ??? to go

Wow, what a short week!

Can't believe I'm already back but after a little cry on Sunday and being completely honest with myself, I strapped on my Asics, filled up my water bottle and hit the road runnin! Well, not literally but I tried to get my shit together.

Came up with a food plan, a shopping list and got down to it. Fuck...now I know why I quit. It takes a lot of time. It can be overwhelming but you know what?! I have no other option. I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, so with that I am going to shut the hell up.

We can all agree upon the fact that it is time consuming and it needs to get worked into ones schedule. Because I do get bored so easily, I am trying out new recipes as well. I can't say it's more time consuming than my old faves because I still have to look 100 times at the cookbook but it is offering the excitement I usually feel when I am re-dedicating myself.

Oh, I'm not doing WW. It felt very suffocating to me on Sunday. Sounds strange but I felt that option would just continue on the negative habits I had developed, again. I'm counting calories, using spark people as my tracker and it's working out beautifully.

Ya know what totally gets me though? I'm eating healthy food all frickin day right, and at the end of the day I have consumed 1900-2000 cals! NO NO NO...if I am eating healthy shit I should get speciality points or maybe even points deducted because I didn't cave and have a mini Twix or something like that. In some ways, it can be totally disheartening because I feel like I have eaten minimally and yet my calorie counter says otherwise.

On the exercise front, I worked out 4 times!! Wooohoo...I can't remember the last time I worked out that often. Nothing major..2 - half hr workouts, 1 - hr workout and 1 - 3/4 hr workout. I started the Jillian weight workout on Saturday and wow, do I feel like an old lady! I'm wobbling all over the place. PB had to help lift me out of bed on Saturday!

Soo...the big question...how did I fare the first week?
-2.5

woooohooo....great, right?

eh, I feel so-so about it. for once I am not running to the vending machine in celebration. i still have a good 13 lbs to go before I'm back at 169.

for once i realize the gravity of the situation. it really is a disgrace that i let myself get so out of control that i need to relose all this weight.

for once, it's a monday, and it isn't the first day i am watching what i eat. i'm not looking behind me and dwelling on the 2.5 lbs i lost. i'm looking forward and thinking of what i can do to continue this and that doesn't include some crazy time line of how fast i can get back to 169!

above all, i would like to say thank you to those who have stuck around. it truly is a support reading your comments and your journeys.

demons

it's been a while since i've felt the need to write, but i am at a loss.

i'm back up to 180. give or take a few pounds. some days its up to 183 and other days it's down to 177. and i can't get back to 169 which now seems skinny.

i can tell you exactly what i am not doing.

i don't have the motivation to cook, prepare meals or even exercise. i'm just constantly exhausted. everything is exhausting.

all those months i slaved and all the hard work is gone. it's hard looking at the mirror and seeing what your body can transform into the minute you quit working on it.

i'm frustrated. i'm lost. i'm not quite sure how to continue.