Reflections

whew....who would have I thought I'd post again this year? Not me! But this just goes to show that a weeks worth of minimal stress does a persons pysche good!

seriously, i'm in such great spirits! thanks to my mom meddling into business that she really didn't need to meddle into the day of our departure, I was sure the vacation was going to be as horrible as I imagined it to be but that has not been the case.

we're doing something every day but i'm really trying to just chill the eff out. not worry about dumb shiyat which i'm notorious for (must remember to add this to my resolutions list!). Plus, i'm running again, so far every other day, and it feels great!

i think that was part of the problem for this past month. i really burnt myself out last month with 2 races, and i just went into this month sluggish. then i had a really hard time making it to my moms during the week to run or getting my ass outta bed on the weekends for my longer runs. there was minimal running this past month and i just don't get the same high off of the elliptical that i get from running. working out on the ellipitical or the bike is such a disappointment nowadays. months ago i jumped on those babies and could easily burn 700 cals in a half hour, now for that to happen i have to work out at least an hour!

the point is i'm calm. i haven't felt such calmness in a while and i'm very happy to have acquired it before i head into the new year. the calm before the storm you could call it....but before i talk about the new year, let's look back at this past year.....

last year at this time, i was in berlin with pb, my brother, mom and opa. i'd never been to berlin and hell, it does house the biggest new year's eve party in europe, who wouldn't want to be a part of it!? berlin is truly amazing and i had a blast and i can't wait to go back. i could spend an entire post on berlin and what we did but i want to focus more on the weight aspect of it. last christmas i weighed 183. how'd i feel? not bad, i mean, i was 11 lbs lighter than in August and it was noticed so hells yeah! What those people didn't know was that I had gained 9 lbs from the middle of Oct until then. I had tried to not think about it but it was obvious that I was still chunky, my winter coat was toight as a tiger and let's be serious, it's taken me most of this year to relose those 9 lbs.

what i started back in september 2005 wasn't a lifestyle change. it was a diet. one that i quickly gave up once i reached a semi glamorous number. if you can call 183 that!

so, 2006 started, of course, somehwhat more determined because yes, i needed to continue losing weight but obviously i didn't get very far because if you look at my blog starting stats I still weighed 183 in March. It was in march though that i bought Tales from the Scale and while reading the biographies, i discovered that some of the contributors had blogs. It was then that I found others, ones I could relate to and my life was changed. Shortly thereafter i started my own.

Back in 2005 when i first started, i adhered to the South Beach Diet and started with that in January 2006 as well, but the reality was that I couldn't make it part of my life. I frequentlz abused the system and did Phase 1 much longer than the original 2 weeks stated and then my portions were alwasz out of control! So, come May PB's mom (whose been a WW forever, made lifetime but currently isn't there) suggested PB and I try WW. Should I have been offended? I dunno, I guess some would have been but the reality was, I was ready to try something different because what I had been doing wasn't working.

June 1st I started with WW officially. I really can't say anything negative about it. I enjoy it, for me, it's something that I know I will be able to maintain for a lifetime. Do I follow it 100%? Not always, and it's been those times that I haven't shown the most stellar losses, but it's also been those times where I haven't hit rock bottom because I was a nazi about it. It was June that I also started running. Something that I'm glad I picked up again because i LOVE it. It gives me the greatest high, sense of accomplishment possible. It's also helped me take some of the focus off of the numbers and emphasized the change that can happen when exercise is added to a healthy diet. It has me coming more to terms with the shape of my body and accepting it as it is.

Unfortunately, my marathon plans were derailed when I visited my dad on a 2 week vacation from Iraq and had to deal with a lot of issues I had surpressed. It's always easy to adhere to changes when life is going smoothly but add in some emotional crap and you have to heal those before you can refocus on changing yourself. It was also through that break that I realized I'm ready to tackle this extra weight. I'm ready to give 110% and finally end this chain of excuses, fatness, anger, and sadness. The last 4 monthes have shown the greatest weightloss of this year. Besides this month, which I really should be viewing as a HUGE victory instead of a setback, I've seen some nice losses.

I made time for exercise and healthy eating. I've created substitutions for foods that I will not give up and can't live without, but I think the greatest lesson I've 'learned' is that I'm responsible for myself. It's me who can decide how fast or how slow I lose weight by the food I feed myself, the time I take to exercise, and the changes I'm willing to make.

This past vacation has been a great eye opener to those changes that have been slowly occuring the past months. YES!, I would love to eat another brötchen for breakfest but goddamnit I know I won't be able to eat that piece of kuchen without a guilty concious later if I do have more now. Do I eat 3 or 4 pieces of cake knowing there is still a bigger dinner planned for later?

There's a point/time/place where everzthing you have worked towards comes together and affirms that you can do this, you will do this and for me it has happened.

It's weird sitting here thinking that perhaps I've finally figured it out. It feels quite revolutionary, exciting and scary at the same time.

I've become one of those people...

that just up and disappears.

I've always wondered why that happens. Do you just get bored with blogging? Do you get kidnapped? Do you have nothing to say? Perhaps the bodysnatchers stopped by? Shit, there's a ton of possibilities.

Mine was really quite simple, lack of time. Oh, and I've been burnt out and there's no need for me to come on here and whine about it.

I mean, everyone's plate seems to be overloaded this time of year, so no biggie right?! The thing was I was asked to take over other peoples responisibilites because they were to effin lazy to do it themselves and when I finally put my foot down, I was made to feel bad. Blah blah blah, but I do this and I do that and since your there.

I hate it. Honestly, I need to learn how to say no without always second guessing my loyalty. There is only so much I can handle and I've already crossed it and I've been quite negative/depressed because of it.

The Holidays should be fun and mostly they are stress.

I work today and a half day tomorrrow and then I'm off to Germany until the 7th of Jan. God, I don't think I've ever complained about a trip like this one! I really wish we could have just taken the money and gone to Mexico or something. I just really need to relax and Germany is never relaxing.

Weight wise, I've gained. Nothing drastic. Nothing that a cereal detox diet couldnt take care of but I just dont even have the energy for that. It's hard reading your fave blogs and seeing they are losing weight.

Not that I'm jealous but you wonder whats wrong with you for not being able to have the determination to make it through these past couple of weeks and lose weight.

I don't know if I'll get to post again this year. I hope that by the time next year rolls around, I'll be well rested enough to get 110% back into the game.

I want to reach goal by the summer time.

So, farewell, adios, auf wiedersehen!

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Will Who?

I have no clue where to start because there are a zillion things running through my head, so I guess I'll start back at Dec. 1st...

I was burnt out. Mostly from working out but perhaps too from counting and agonizing over what to eat/what not to eat/holding back etc, so I took a break. Nope, I did NOT fall off of the wagon. I have NOT gained any weight actually I'm still holding steady at 169.5.

I was just so frustrated. I cant even pinpoint what it was about because it was just a lot of various little stuff and on top of that I had finally reached 169; I was just relieved, so relieved that I was ok with going into mainetance mode for the rest of the month.... and that I did.

so.... I didn't workout from the 4th until the 9th and this entire time (the 1st till today) I've been eating responsibly. Eating what I want when I want in moderation and it felt great! I should also mention that a lot of what I want is what I've been eating lately. Weird huh? Seriously, I feel like I've overcome this HUGE hurdle by knowing I can eat what I want when I want in moderation of course and still maintain my weight. Ha! Looks like I've learned something along the way, eh?

Yesterday was the first time I've run in over a week. I didnt need to run, I wanted to run. The weather was beautiful, or so I thought, until I got out there and the wind was outta control, and my body wanted me to run. So, I did, and although I did notice a weeks worth of not working out, I still felt great!

I have no clue what it is, but all of a sudden I feel SUPER about myself! I feel confident, sexy and just like the person I was 4 years ago!

What does suck, is that I have attached a number to my personality. When I gained weight, I became more reclused. Not talkative, introverted, when I was skinnier, oh yeah...I was the life of the party! Now that the weight is coming off and especially since I've crossed into the 160's I feel like I'm opening up again. I really wish I hadn't let that happen to me...oh well...

THEN today I decide to call my Opi, we needed to start making some plans for the holiday. He started rattling off all the plans we have for the 2 weeks that we are there for Christmas, then his 70th birthday in February and of course I can't forget the wedding in July.

My family will always love me. I know this. The reality is though that being thinner does change their perspective of you and my grandpa was definately hinting at the fact that some family will be present that does judge on the fact of whether or not you have your shit together, that including how you look.

I don't know if anyone saw that Oprah about a father and his daughter who was overweight and although he loved her also stated that he felt ashamed of her. Needless to say she went on and got gastric and is now stunning. I guess, in the end, everyone is happy and it doesnt really matter but it just goes to show you that weight does make a difference. I'm honestly not that concerned about myself. By the time I go back in Feb I will be at 162 and at the weight I'll be thinner than when I last saw the extended family.

Who I am concerned about is my mom. She's really been struggling for a while now. Plus, the last time everyone saw her she was at her lowest weight ever! That was at least 30 lbs ago! Oh vey...

I feel somewhat stressed now. Come tomorrow morning I'm back to tracking and working out.

I still feel great and I love where I've come back to and being grateful for my 169 and the work I've put into getting there. This has never been an ending point for me. I want to go shopping and not worry about whether I'll be wearing the 12, 10 or 14. I don't want to go into The Limited, Banana Republic and have the twiggies looking at me and pitying me because the reality is I may not fit into any of their outfits. I want to buy and rock a size 6!

I hate putting timelines onto my weightloss but the reality is I gotta buckle down, I will reach my goal weight for the wedding in July.

I WILL. I WILL. I WILL!

underwear

has been my obsession since...oohhh...about Thanksgiving...

seriously, I had this pair of g-string underpants, which i don't understand why they exist because i don't think they can look good on anyone besides like oh.... giselle, nicole richie and even then i bet they still make 'em look fat but i digress...

my blue g-string underwear, i try not to wear them because i feel like a hefer. i mean seriously, i feel like a sumo wrestler with that little bit o' string 'tween my legs and i don't resemble a sumo wrestler

so...Thanksgiving, thats all that was left in my underwear drawer, so i put them on and surprisingly i felt HOT. i mean sexy, not at all chubby or hefer-ish so I went downstairs to take a peek at the full lenth mirror and wowla! they fit BEAUTIFULY!!!!! i kid you not there was minimal love handle fat peeping out of the sides, my toosh seemed very j-lo-ish and i just felt HOT. hell, i was contemplating going over to PB's parents dressed like that!

then today i pulled on another pair of vicky's underpants, second skin or seamless something like that and wowza! i think from now on my basic dress will be underwear and a top.

any suggestions for a sexy, buxomous top?

seriously ladies...the C25K or any other walking/running combo your doing is gonna make you SMOKIN!!!!

besides losing actually poundage, the running has transformed my body! and I LOVE IT!!!!!

cleaning out the closets

it was that time of year ..... time to put away the summer clothes and bust out the winter sweaters .....

well, that and my bedroom chair was overflowing with clothes and our floors were littered with summer shoe boxes! there was just no more room in my drawers....

no biggie right? i'd say the majority of girls i know have containers where they put the other seasons clothes in. i didn't have any containers left though because the ones i do own, hold all of my skinny clothes. i had to go buy new ones if i wanted to put away my summer clothes.

half of the stuff was still in great condition. hell, when you spend a $100 on a pair of pants, regardless of whether those are the only pair you wear, they better be in damn great condition!

the other half, was not only faded but had holes in it!

honestly, i had no clue what to do! i love to organize so it was pretty obvious that i would buy more rubbermaids because hell i keep everything i own. i dont have enough of it and i spent too much damn money on it!

seriously though, who needs to hang on to shirts that are faded and holey?! and why would i want to hold onto pants that don't fit me anymore?!


because ....... ya know ....... JUST IN CASE, i don't lose this weight and will weigh 170ish next summer.

the reality is, i won't be weighing in in the 170's next summer. I'm already too skinny for some of the items i bought back in september. why would i hold onto stuff that i bought back in May!

it's time to let go of the fat. it's time to let go of the large sizes.

i will never be them again. i will not regain this weight i am losing.

i don't want a few larger sizes allowing me to assume i can BS around. for that reason, i can't decide if i should have my size 14 pants altered. when i do take them in, they will probably be shrunk down to a 10/12. wouldn't i rather own a pair of pants that i love with the tag stating what size i currenty am? instead of reminding me of the fact that i bought these pants because they were one of the only ones that fit me?!

will the past prevent me from succeeding in the future?

or

will it be a reminder of the person i once was and will never be again?

what a weekend!

This has been such an amazing weekend, I'm sorta scared I may jinx myself by typing this but then again I 'm the holder of destiny, right? or something along those lines.

Friday night, the GPWA had their Christmas Party and it was buffet style. I didn't do too bad. I was a little full but thoroughly enjoyed myself because.........I received SSSSOOOO many compliments!!! You see the last time I was there was early in the year, and still in the 180's, so no had seen my transformation! Of course everyone wanted to know what I did. Eating in moderation and working out like a feign. But, that never really satisfies people. They would you rather told them you did something drastic like take a little pill and the unfortunate reality is, I don't think anyone has ever gotten that response.

Saturday I went for a lovely 7 mile run! It was sunny out and cooler and I just had a blast! I felt like I hadn't run some distance in a while (Monday I had only run 3 miles because I wanted to focus on speed instead) so I got that in. The only bad thing was that the toilets were all locked so I had to pop a squat behind one of the buildings because I had to go that bad! Then in the evening we had game night and I had neither margaritas, nor the queso with chips or an ice cream!!!!! I AM DA BOMB!!! Seriously, Friday nights compliments and my determination to hit 162 lbs made me not question what I'm doing!

Then today, I plan on running again. 5 miles probably. I also need to start baking. I tried baking last Christmas and the one batch of cookies I made came out so interesting (they just looked odd but supposedly were pretty damn good) I gave up. I'm determined to have multiple delicious batches this year!

oh, and the greatest thing of all...I saw a FABULOUS number this morning on the scale that beat the number from a few weeks ago!

I know I can do this, I know I can reach my goals and I WILL reach my goals!