Final Weigh-in November

Yesterday was an almost perfectly OP day until it was slightly derailed. FEAR NOT….I still did quite well.

Except that we went out to eat again…yes and to Chilis nonetheless however I prevailed! I ordered the Guiltless Grill Salmon which comes in at 10 Points and boy oh boy was it delish! You wouldn’t think a place like Chilis can make a decent fish but I kid you not, it’s pretty damn delicious. As are their black beans. It’s just ridiculous that you pay almost $13 for that dish! Crazy, right?! Shit…what I don’t do to lose some weight.

I just keep on repeating to myself it’s only 21 more days. I CAN do 21 days!

So, needless to say, there was NO crash dieting yesterday to effect the scales nor did I do a last chance workout (although I was tempted too!) I did accomplish 35 mins on the bike.

So…..DRUM ROLL please…….

October’s final weight: 171.5
November’s final weight: 169.5

Net LOSS: - 2 lbs





Eh…not bad….not the number I saw over a week and a half ago, but in the 60’s nonetheless!!!

HOLY MOLY I’M IN THE 160’S!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could dwell on the fact that I didn’t reach my goal which may set me back for the rest of December but I MUST stay positive. I faced a lot of bumps along the road this month. Last year around this time my weight had creeped back up to 183. I’m 14 lbs lighter. I’d say that’s something to be proud of!

This means I’m 7 lbs away from my 10% goal!!!!!!

I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that. That also brings me back to the high-end of the weight I was when PB and I first met (I ranged between 158 and 162).

I wish I could say that I’m gonna make it before/on the 20th but damn that’s a loss of .35 lbs every day. Doable? I don’t know. I guess TECHNICALLY it is. I’d be happy making it to 165 by then.

All I know is that I'm tightening my laces, buckling my belt and giving it my all before I ring in the New Year!

ascics, basics, schmasics?

i'm frustrated and all i can do is blame myself. although right now, i'm blaming everything and everyone BUT myself.

this month has been an absolute struggle for me.

it took me nearly a week and a half to recover from Halloween, then i had 1 rockin week and then, well, thanksgiving happened. i've recovered from that but i think my body is protestng the inconsistency of this past month.

looking over this past year, my weightloss has been anything but stellar. yeah, i've lost in the double digits but damn there have been months where i've been dragging and i've had the nerve to whine about the weight NOT coming off.

what i have done this past year is make GREAT strides physically and i should be focusing on that because even though the number may not be dropping my clothes are getting looser and that's a sign change is happening.

this month has shown me a smorgasbord of numbers. i've been bouncing between the same 5 lbs and it's killing me. i feel so drained. and i'm blaming everything but myself!

i think because i work out, i can eat bigger portions, or have a few sweets here and then some there. the reality is i can't. unless i plan on working out at least 3 hours a day and that i don't have the time for.

yes, i journal and write everything down but i've got to make myself more accountable. i need and want more substantial weight losses than what i will probably showing tomorrow.

part of me thinks, eh, it's the holidays. lets just get through this with a minor loss instead of a gain, but i'm not feeling that either.

i just need to refocus and get back to basics. no eating out ever day. no m&m cookie at work.

The goal today is:
- drink 4 liters of water
- eat only 22 points (no flexies or ap's today!)
- and of course........WORKOUT

i have 21 more days before i leave for germany, i want to get as close to 10% as possible!

speed or distance

K. suggested we go running once a week now. Sssssaaaawwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttt.

She may be outta shape but she's a strong runner and hell, it's always better to train with someone whose a little stronger than you, right? Eh, after yesterdays run, I dunno.

You see, she runs for speed and I've been running for distance. I guess I always figured distance first then speed. I mean, I'm happy with my 10 min. mile. Do I plan on staying there, no. I think back to June when it took my 13 mins to walk/run. I'd say I've made great strides. Personally, I would love to get to a point where I'm running an 8 min. mile.

I've always strived for consistency while training. Whereas she doesn't. She pushes so hard that she has to stop and walk. Is one way better than the other? No. It's just not my style and I don't know if that's what I want to be picking up.

Do I sound whiney? I don't mean to. This entire thing just surprised me. Articles, experts always harp on the fact that you should have a weightloss buddy and exercise buddies, but I don't know how ideal that is. In my quest to lose weight, I've yet to have a weightloss buddy.

It was good though she gave me some useful tips and pushed me a little harder. I think that once a week may be a good thing.

3964

reminds me of the part in Baby Got Back where he sings out the measurements...but no
It's......my......race.....number!!!!!

Pretty exciting eh?

Last night after work I zoomed down to Detroit, since I didn't want to be there at 6 AM this morning, to pick up my race packet. Now if anyone has ever been to Cobo, you know this place is HUGE and of course they don't give concrete directions to where the pickup will be so I started off by parking.

They mentioned there would be 3 dollar roof parking for Turkey Trot participators. So, I get to the kind lady and she says $8.

Moi: I though the parking was only $3 for TT participants.
Lady: No, that's tomorrow. Tonights the Red Wing game.
Moi: Ok (I'm willing to pay the $8 bucks since there really is no other convenient parking near Cobo) Do you accept Debit?
Lady: No.
Moi: Ok, well how about I just loop around and leave because all I have is $4.
Lady: My gate is up, why don't you just go through.
Moi: Thank you! Let me at least give you my $4.
Lady: No, that's ok. Just go through.

Wasn't that nice of her! Ok, maybe I knew it wouldn't be $3 today but seriously $8! Oh well, ok. So I decide to get off on the main level because I figured I could always ask Information.

It seemed to me there where 2 directions people were coming, the peeps heading to the game where coming from where I was or the race peeps and they were coming from where I was heading to. Confusing I know!

As I'm standing in the Info Line, there were probably 5 ahead of me, the security guard stands up and says "For all of you picking up your race packets, follow this man down the corridor and down the steps." Hihihi...and that we did. ALL of us!

I get to this conference hall, and you have to find your last name under its first letter. Well, I'm 5'6. They put this list at least 6' off the floor! I was standing tippytoes trying to locate my number, which I then find out is my race number. So, I go to these boothes that have number x -x1, depending on what your number is, and grab my stuff sweater and chip. The only other freebie stuff was a water bottle. Nuthin fancy but hey?! who can't use an extra water bottle! I wasn't expecting and shirts and stuff to be sold there but they had a small area dedicated to that. Seriously, this hall was HUGE and mostly empty because the 3 or 4 tables they had wasn't enough to fill the room, so I don't understand why they had the clothes area jammed together. There was NO room to look at the stuff, so I just high tailed it outta there.

Finally made it home around 7:30 for a meal of spaetzle. I was so tired that I was falling asleep at the dinner table and shortly thereafter went to bed. Then again, I did have to get up at 5:30 today!
Race Day

The plan had been to leave at 6:30 so we'd get there around 7ish. We got into the downtown area around 7:15, I had to drive slower because there were A TON of cops along the free, plus, I had to cross 3 lanes to get off on a street because there was traffic unexpectedly. We weren't the only ones who taken the detour because we sat at the same light for 3 lights because the entrance to the parking was jammed up. I was freaking out because there were runners walking towards the start, or runners were getting out of the cars they came in and letting someone else park. Anyways, we finally park and its abot 7:30ish.

We enter COBO and it's PACKED! Seriously, I've never seen this many people before. I decide it's best to use the restroom before so we go to the nearest restroom and there's a line! A longer one at that and for some reason women always take so damn long! It should not be that difficult! What I love about races is that people talk to each other. I mean yeah it's nothing earth shattering but to just strike up conversation is pretty damn cool! At one point, a lady asks me what time it is...7:51. The race starts at 8, although it's known to start a good 20 minutes late.

I should mention that all morning I had been struggling with what to wear as an outer garment. I knew I'd wear my longer running pants and my sweat whicking shirt, but I just didn't know about the rest. The weather channel had said it would be a pretty warm Thanksgiving but I had heard so many horror stories about last years being so cold, I guess I overprepared.

As we are head out to the Start, I see this MASSIVE formation. OH MY GAWD...I kid you not, the runners took up an entire half of a block and we were tightly packed in there!

This race definately had a more mature vibe to it, not as many kiddies, but serious, older runners. I maybe stood there for 5 minutes and then a gun shot went off. There was a sudden surge forward but then we went back to a slow walk. Shortly thereafter we sprinted off! While we were waiting for the gun to go off, there were plenty of supporters lining the streets cheering us on...it was so cool!

The first mile was great. Except that I kept on seeing chips laying on the ground so I kept on looking down at my shoes to see if my chip was there. Lost chips cost $30! Plus, although they had given us zip ties to attach them to our laces, you just never know! The second mile was great too! Close to the 2nd mile, there were 5 peeps who ran in a line holding up a dragon! Like below...isn't that cool?


Towards the end of the 2nd mile, I started getting sharp pains in my side and warming up, but I pushed through especially because the scenery was pretty darn cool. The race took us through parts I hadnt been in a while so you really saw how they had evolved. I knew the waterstation was between mile 3 and 4, well I totally miscalculated the difference. It was closer to 4 then 3. So, a quarter mile into 3, I had to walk. I was just so thirsty and my side ached so bad, I was quite disappointed in myself. I walked maybe 3 minutes and then took off again up until the the water station.

Lordy...it was handled very poorly. There was a table with 3 volunteers who were handing out 2 glasses at a time but the person behind the table couldn't keep up with the volume so I stood there for a good half a minute waiting for a cup. Mile 4 was good because we ran along the parade route so there were A TON of people cheering us on.

Mile 5 was the MOST brutal. It was close enough to the finish that you could taste it but still far away for it to hurt. Plus, at this point, I actually thought I was roasting. I was just so uncomfortabley warm! It was then that I saw the COBO building. I figured that thats where the ending pad would be, right in front of COBO, so I get this sudden surge of energy. I'm sprinting for a good half a meter, I get there and

NOTHING!

I followed the other runners who were veering to the left, into a tunnel towards the end. Unfortunately, by the time I had made it to the front of COBO, I was exhausted/done with the race.

I crossed the finish line at 1:07:05
Watch time..........................1:03:??
Chip time: 1:02:14
Pace: 10:02

Ranking: 211/328

How do I feel about it? Disappointed. I'm not gonna lie. I really, really wanted to run the race at an hour or under and hour. At the same time, I'm pretty geeked that my pace time was only 2 seconds slower than last week, and we added an additional mile. It just goes to show me that I have a lot of work cut out for me this upcoming training season.

There are a couple of reasons to why my time was slower and I know that they can only get better with more practice. I think the greatest disadvantage was the jacket I was wearing..see below...


it was just too warm. I was sweating pretty much from Mile 2 on and I couldn't take it off because it was too bulky to tie around my waist. I felt like I was burning up the entire time. I had to push my sleeves up so that I could cool down a little bit. I also changed my socks that morning. I was worried about the cold, so I wore socks that went a little higher than my previous ones so my feet were on fire. Lastly, I ate poorly last night. I was so hungry at 5 that I stopped at 711 and bought a bag of chips which I devoured. Then when I got home and dinner wasn't ready yet, I had 10 Toffifay. THEN I still had dinner. Yes, I was a little piggy
But...I had such a blast! It was so much fun, they people were a blast and I can't wait to do another run! I would recommend anyone to do it if your from around here! The runners were just so into it. I saw a family dressed as elves, and there were 3 girls who were dressed in all pink, tights, shorts, tu-tus and their hats were pink flamingos! It was so neat!

Plus...you have something really cool to brag about on Turkey Day when most people are sleeping in, nursing a hangover and getting ready to pig out, because DUH...your obviously ueber sporty!

i can't think of a fitting title

I had been searching for a pair of pants that I last saw my mom borrow a year ago. Yeah...well... this past weekend I found them in the basement wardrobe.

I was a little nervous pulling them on this morning. Hell, I knew they'd fit. I was fatter when I bought them, of course they would have to fit!

They're too big.

I'm bummed. I liked these pants and it annoys me that I didn't find them until this past weekend. I'm contemplating whether or not I should have them taken in. I can't remember how much I paid for them but I'm thinking in the $50 range. Really, cheap enough that alterations may cost me more. I'm already having a bunch of Ann Taylor pants taken in.

I'm in this weird place right now. I look back to when I was heavier and I'm ashamed to look over past posts where I complained about not fitting intoMediums/Larges. In the 180's should anyone be a Medium? Or even a Large? God, I was in HUGE denial mode!

Since I recommitted in September, I've really been trying to be realistic about my weightloss and the reasons why I do what I do. This of course has carried over into shopping. I automatically reach for the XLarges and I don't even bother bringing a Large with me because I MUST be a XL. I had to go back twice yesterday before I hestitantly reached for the Medium. I kept on telling myself that it's not possible that I'm a Medium yet. Who am I kidding? Do I
want to be the same deluded person I was just a few monthes back? The short distance I had
to walk from the rack to the fitting room, I got cold hands, started sweating, and my stomach was doing flipflops. Jesus I was only trying on a shirt! It's not like I had to address an auditorium full of people!I It's just funny how things evolve.

While I was jumping up and down excited because a Medium fit me, there was a mom
with her daughter in the fitting room next to me. The daughter was complaining that she didn't want to wear a dress and it wasn't fair that she had no choice in the matter. This entire time, I heard huffing, puffing and various other profanities coming from the mom. She finally had enough and screamed "I don't have a choice as to what to buy. I get whatever fits me! Not what is pretty or what I like but whatever fits me!" She then goes on muttering that there
is no way she's gonna be able to lose any weight over the holiday season and she just can't get any bigger!

I felt really sad for the lady. She had such a defeatist attitude! I felt that ladies pain. Been there, done that. The difference is, I am NOT giving up. I may stumble and I may lay passed out on the side of the road but eventually I WILL get back up.

I AM currently losing weight. I'm NOT giving up because it's the holiday season. I like the direction I'm heading in, I like that I'm becoming more athletic and fit and lets be honest, I like getting thinner.

I hope for her sake, she can break through the mentality that she's currently in. Being more fogiving and real with yourself will only make your change easier.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on what I can accomplish/achieve. I'm slowly accepting the fact that my food addiction is something I will never be able to get rid of. Manage, yes, but I'll always battle the issues behind it, in front of it, whatever because it's one thing I can't live without.

Instead of fighting the counting, measuring, healthier choices, I'm trying to make peace with it all. Yes, it's not fair that I can't eat 10 candy bars a day, or that I have to workout to see the scale budge. It's not always fun and dandy but it's what has to be done. There are so many other things I dislike in life that I do because they have to get done, why should this be any different? Especially since the end result brings me happiness.

This is a tough battel we fight, but I'm more than convinced we can overcome this and just because its the Holidays is no excuse to not continue on the path we are destined for!

Medium

Nope, no special powers here! Unless you count being able to sniff out chocolate, but I digress..

Medium is the size I bought today in a sweater!!!!!!

Can you believe it?! I can't. When I went to try on the first sweater, I took a Large. I knew the XL would be too large because the shirts that I bought 10 weeks ago are becoming quite roomy. I did not expect the Large to be too big!

Seriously, I'm so geeked about this because the scale has not been budging below 170. I needed something to tell me that all my hard efforts are paying off! and this topped the cake! I think the last time I bought a Medium was 3 years ago!

Last night PB and I went to my fave martini bar and for once, well at least since the last 3 years, I felt GREAT again. I didn't once think anyone was staring at me because I was fat. It felt frickin awesome! I was able to go out, have fun, dance and not once worry about being the fattest chic in the room. I can honestly say I was part of the median.

Does thinner taste better? I guess it depends, it does taste pretty damn saweet but I wouldn't always pass over the Toffifay!

It's a long one....

The day started off well, even though a surprise visitor popped by. Ok, whatever, I can still do this (even if it will slow me down!). I get to work, and after breakfast I start feeling hot and a little nautious. Just overall not that great. Thankfully this passes pretty quickly but then I get cramps! Aww hell no....seriously, I can handle anything/everything, but cramps! I typically try to get through them without the help of meds but I had too much at stake that evening so I took some midol. Mind you, this is all before 9 AM! Wwwwaaaaaayyyyyyy too much excitement for me, if you know what I mean.

My office mate comes in and I decide to tell her that I plan on running the 8k tonight. Do you know what she says to me "Have you ever run before?". Um, no, I guess I haven't, but figured hell why not try it! JEALOUS much?

For lunch I have noodles, and by 3 that afternoon, I'm starving! Ok, so I have a banana, by 4 I'm hungry again! I don't know what was up with me yesterday but I felt serious hunger pains throughout the afternoon that I just don't typically have! Maybe carbs aren't that filling? Or perhaps my cereal keeps me more satiated than I give it credit for? On my way home at 5ish, I had a Pria bar. I'm not really into the whole meal replacement bars but for this event I figured I needed the carbs and I didn't want to eat anything that lies to heavily in my stomach. Last Saturday I had a bowl of cereal before my run and man did it hurt me.

I told K ( my gf whose running the race with me) that I'd meet her at her parents' house. While we ran the race, her parents were gonna walk it. Since this was my 1st race, I didn't really know what to expect, but K. mentioned that there would be plenty of walkers. I'd say half the race was walkers! Not quite sure if that's pretty typical but it was surprising nonetheless. We arrive at the parking field much earlier than anticipated (around 6:15) and all around us were runners. I've never seen such a large body of like-minded peeps before. It was weird but I felt this belonging-ness, like I was part of something bigger. All the people were so friendly and wishing everyone a good run. It was cool.

K. hadn't registered so we went up to the Registration table, she got her shirt and glow-stick. I just picked up my glow-stick. It had a connector that allowed it to be turned into a necklace. Others wove it through their ponytails or the spokes of the strollers (dangerous, wouldn't you think?) While K. was bringing her shirt and extra glowsticks to her parents, who were gonna start walking (walkers were able to start before the runners), I got in line to the bathroom (even though I had made sure to go before I left the house). Seriously, I felt like a camel! I had been drinking my water all day (working on my 3rd liter) plus drinking 4 oz of Powerade every hour after 3. The line was decent not overly long, still a good 10 min wait. By then it was 6:30ish and K. and I stood around, watched others warming up, and just BSed.

At about 6:55, we started following the herd towards the front. We almost reach the beginning of the Holiday lights and K says to me " I don't remember the Start being this far up". At that point someone comes running behind us yellinng "For all runners: you have gone too far. The
START is back on the hill." Doi! Ok, so 3/4's of us are now turning around and heading back up the hill. K. and I are worried of course that it'll start without us so we start jogging towards the Start. I should mention that there wasn't anything that suggested that this area was the START area. No sign or anything. Anyways, we head towards the middle/back (does that make sense? we are probably closer to the back then we are the middle) and stand around for a little bit longer. While making plans of where we should meet in case we split up, the gun goes off.

OH MAN...honestly, I had no clue what to expect, but this was pandomonium! K. warned me to not get trampled, I figuerd she was kidding, but no she was NOT. People were coming from all angles, behind me, next to me, in front of me. K. and I tried to keep pace but I was being a little passive or too slow. Whenever there was an open pocket, I was usually beat to it. Shortly thereafter we parted ways. I was a little worried I'd look like a loser running by myself but surprisingly there were a lot of lone runners.

The first mile flew by. I looked at my watch and all I could make out was 10. The first mile marker area was a little dark, so I couldn't get a look. It was so funny because I ran with this group of guys who were all pushing strollers and I heard one of them say "Man, who would have thought we'd be doing this?" I then hear another guy say "Yeah, but it's sorta cool, isn't it?" HAHAHAHAHAHA...that was so funny. Former Frat Boys for sure!

I reached Mile 2 at 20:26 and Mile 3 at 30:33. At this point I'm a little concerned. I'm running my miles a tad faster than I typically do. I felt great, but I'll be honest and say I was worried I couldn't finish at this pace.

Mile 4: I started running with some ladies who were running or were planning to run a 10:10 mile and one of the ladies had just run the U.S. Marine Corp. Half Marathon! How exciting since I actually know Cry@stal ran that as well! Anyways, I ran with them a little bit. Good times! I crossed the Mile 4 Marker at 40:54.

It was then that I freaked out. I'm not really quite sure why. I wasn't planning on running a specific time. From my past training, I figured I'd run a 11 min pace, but when I saw that I could possibley run the race at 50mins or even under that, I was possessed. Plus, the last mile seemed like a straight shot so I pushed a lot harder.

My main goal for this race was to be consistent. I wanted my start to be as powerful as my finish would be. I knew I could run this distance.

I crossed the finish line at 50:06.

I felt out of breath, which annoyed me because I can't remember the last time I was out of breath. Running is becoming easy for me, and this ending was rough. Then I was also annoyed because I didn't make it at or under 50 mins! I swear to God it's a lose lose situation ;)!

It was a great 1st pre-race (I call it a pre-race since there was no number and chip). The weather was great! It was chilly but it wasn't windy, rainy or snowy so hopefully the Turkey Trot will be the same. It was actually so warm, I peeled my zippy sweater off after the 2nd mile. It was such perfect weather!

It felt really awesome running the race. Nothing can stand in my way of achieving any of the goals that I set for myself

That said, I'm really geaked for the Turkey Trot.

8 days and counting!!!!!!

it twas the night before....

MY FIRST RACE EVAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

surprisingly, I'm calm but then again I have about 20 hrs before I actually run the damn thing! Lets see how I'm doing tomorrow around 5 or so. I'm pretty geeked though! Everyone I speak to raves about how much fun this race is supposed to be! Plus, I'm very thrilled that my gf is gonna be there with me to sorta show me the ropes. That's really my biggest thing, especially with the Turkey Trot just around the corner.

Besides that, I've been ok. I go through these fazes of where I am totally geeked about continuing with my weighloss and then I practically have to chain myself to my chair so that I don't go looking for a snack.

I read on the WW website that during the Holiday Season your supposed to write down your goals and look at them frequently. Well, I totally sticky-noted my computer with my goals! Yeah......I don't know how it's working...I'll letya know later this week!

So...the race...I bought myself some fancy schmanzy runner pants. GAWD...why do they have to be tapered?! I understand the functionality behind them but they look so effin bad! My legs felt good in them when I ran in them on Saturday (and man was it cold! not even the cross country skiers were out!) With them on, my legs moved more freely then if I were just wearing capris.

I'm excited!!! I've planned a lot of carbs for tomorrow. Hopefully I'm not overdoing it. We'll see after tomorrow night. With that said...I have no time I'm setting for myself or trying to beat. This is purely fun!

Wish me luck on my first race tomorrow!!!!

here i am, once again....

lame, i know, but i can't think of anything more creative and that song is running through my head..

guess, whose back, back again..shady's back...uuummmm....yeah..not quite sure what is up with my lyrical-ness but i am back!

I've been doing baby-steps since about Monday. Each day is getting better. The insane number I saw on Monday, dropped down 2.5 lbs on Tuesday and now I've been holding steady at my current weight which is about 2 lbs above my current lowest. (and in case there are some non-math buffs out there like myself i weighed in at 176 on monday. shocking i know!)

I'm not shooting for a lossloss this week, I just want to get back to 171.5. I was looking over the calender and I can still reach my goal for this month. I'll just have to get through this with an iron fist and I know I can do it!

I've been very "selfish" this week. I managed to get in 2 runs this past week, making PB responsible for dinner (he chose the easy way and got take out. honestly, i didnt care, i just knew i wasn't going to be cooking since i wouldnt be getting home till 7:15 at the earliest) and thankfully today i was able to leave work early and get home around 6:45 to create a delicious meal of blackened salmon with roasted asparagus! yumm-o!! btw, i just stumbled upon this spice, Chef Paul Prodhomme's Blackened Redfish Magic, oh my gawd! talk about adding zest and flavor into ones meal! i was very skeptical too since i had tried his one for steamed veggies and that was just blah. i just bought this seasoning last week and we've already had fish twice! (we've really been struggling with creative fish recipes but this is just so delicious!)

My gf invited me 2 weeks ago to run the Festival of Lights 8K race. Shortly after she invited me to run it with her, she goes on to say that perhaps she wouldn't run it so she'd have to get back to me. WTF?! Seriously...how can you invite me one second and then pull back out another?! So, I asked her again today if she still planned on running it (it's next Tuesday) and she agreed!!! Yeah!!! I'm so excited!! I'll be running my first race on Tuesday with my gf!!!! I was really nervous about running the Turkey Trot since I'd never run a race before and I'd be all on my own but doing this one now with a seasoned runner, I know I can totally kick some major Turkey ass!

On that note, sleep is calling my name!

Have a lovely weekend ladies!

dangerous games

I feel like I’ve been playing Russion Roulette. Since Saturday I've been stepping on the scale, holding my breath, waiting for a higher number to pop up and when a higher number doesnt pop up I let out a huge sigh of relief. I got busted. It was so strange because when I stepped on the scale, I didn't even feel like it was me stepping on the scale. I felt like I was suspended a few feet above myself and I saw myself staring down at the little screen as it was blaring FATTIE! FATTIE! and without a peep, I stepped off the scale and went on my merry way.

I didn't cry, or mope or be depressed about it. I went upstairs, put on one of fave outfits and then continued to fix a Detox Day worth of food (high fiber cereal for breakfast and lunch, with fruit and veggies as snacks). I did well today, even if I did overindulge in the WW Pad Thai and Hot and Sour Soup.

I can't say I'm doing this because my body is craving healthy food or I know this is good for my body but I'mn doing it because I will not face the higher numbers EVER again!

I'm honestly confused. I mean yes, I already talked about what started my backslide, but part of me is really scared to get back into the 160's. It's been 3 years since the last time i saw a 1 6 9. Fuck just seeing it on the screen is freaking me out.

Not only that but I've changed a lot since becoming the "fat" girl. I remember the days where I would go to the club in low rise black pants and my bra exposed through shirt. I lived for showing off my excessively large chest. Well, since I've been "fat", I'm constantly tugging at something that doesnt need to be tugged at.

This past Saturday, PB and I as well as his parents went on this Murder Mystery Train Ride (it was their Christmas present from us last year) and there were plenty of girls who wore dresses that had a plunging neckline so deep i swear to god i could see their ovaries. The point is they didnt think twice about showing too much skin whereas I showed no cleavage and was constantly pulling my cami up. Hell, I should have just worn a turtleneck! I've never really thought about how much I've changed since I gained 40+lbs. I've also become quieter. They say I'm becoming more like my dad, a person of few words.

I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom, attempting to watch tv however my $5 a month tuner isn't working again, and all I want is to NOT think about food. What I wish I could be eating or drinking.

I want to be skinny. God, I want it so bad, and for that reason I'm hiding out. Trying to not think about the desire to eat. I just need to make it through the night without putting something else in my mouth and then 1 day will be down, and we all know the 1st day is always the hardest.

This I know for sure.

I've been MIA for a while.

Do you guys really wanna hear the same BS over and over again? I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.

It's tough. It's hard. I'm tired of thinking of food, POINTS, what I can eat, what I can't eat and that's the reality of it.

I'm tired. I've been struggling getting my shiyat back together.

This funk didn't start after/on Halloween, but before. Friday to be exact.

Last Thursday, I had a lunch date with my gf, the runner, K. She chose Olgas, I LOVE Olga's and I typically consume 20 to 40 POINTS while there. Oh no, not this time. I consumed 5. Exactly what a bowl of Peasant Soup is, yes I stayed within POINTS that day but the next day I showed a 2 lb gain. Friday, again, I stayed within POINTS only showed a lb loss. Long story short I always stayed within my POINTS and I was boppin around the same 2 lbs over and over. On top of that, I had worked out 5 times that week.

It was just too much ya know?

So, Tuesday. Guess how many POINTS I consumed on Halloween? No, go ahead, GUESS! Ok, so I consumed my daily 22 POINTS, then I consumed ALL, yes ALL 35 Flexies and no, it did not end there. I consumed 11 more on top of that.

I actually recovered on Wednesday. Stayed within POINTS and worked out but then last night I came home exhausted. Tiredness does not do good for my food choices. Seriously, I lose all determination, conviction, will power and I eat and eat and eat some more. Nothing crazy. Those days seem to be gone where I go all out crazy. It just leaves me to maintain which seems ok right now. I'm very,very happy to be in the low 170's.

On top of that, I'm averaging running 2 to 3 times a week so my body is getting back into the shape it was when I came back from Germany. Although, I was heavier then I swear to god I looked better/thinner/more toned than I do now. It's crazy what running can do for your body.

That's where I'm at. I'm taking a break. I hope this "desire" for a break is over soon. I just need to conserve energy for other stuff right now (not like I even know what this other stuff is, it's just NOT on weightloss)

I have a run planned tomorrow morning. 6 miles. The distance I'll be running at the Turkey Trot. I even went out this evening and bought this in Vivid. Pretty eh? First major purchase besides my sneakers. Commitment people. Commitment.

Looking back now on my training for the marathon, I'm wondering if I did it for the "weight loss" and therefore didn't complete it? I'm sure it was a contributing factor for sure.

Anyways peeps...please have patience, send good vibes my way and hopefully I'll be back and rearin in no time!