Recap of May

I don't know even know where to begin.

Where do you begin?

May was truly a mediocre month. I'm a little disappointed in myself.

ok...I'm totally shocked. I just went over my journal and I only journaled 11 of 27 days correctly. I guess I shouldn't be completely surprised right? MAN, I'M PISSED! I honestly thought I correctly journaled more than just 11 days. Guess that shows you, huh?

And, I only worked out 14 times..I guess that's not bad...NOT great but not bad...

I can't change the past but I can take charge of my future. So, this is my plan...

D's 14 Day Flabolous Frolic!
Start Date: June 1st
End Date: 15th of June.

Guidelines:

1. I will only weigh myself twice..June 1st and June 15th.
   
2. Stay completely OP
3. Meet my daily requirements of veggies/fruit, dairy and oil
   
4. Workout EVERY day
5. Drink 100 oz of H2O, every day

14 Days should be more than doable. It's a relatively small amount of time, but still something to aspire to. Oy vey.. I'm a little concerned about 1. and 4. I've really slacked lately on 4. And we all know how much of a scale ho I am. I mean seriously, Sammy (yes, I've named the scale), is my Best Friend!!!!!! Is it wrong that he's my last thought of the night and my first in the morning?!

It's ok though...14 days are nuthin...right!? RIGHT!!!!

Man I wish I had my own personal cheerleading squad...giving me a little a motivational push..

GIVE ME A R
GIVE ME A I
GIVE ME A G
GIVE ME A H
GIVE ME A T

RIGHT ON!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

On a final note: Good-bye Katie..I'll miss you!!! Hihihi...I'll be able to start off my day earlier now, I guess that's a plus.

Tales of a ......

FOOD WHORE!!!

Yes, you heard that right....I always knew I was somewhat obsessed with food but yesterday I was called a Food Ho.

We were at the Metro Park pool (more on this later) and I was explaining to PB why I thought German pools were so much better and my final reason to why it was better was...they have the best seasoned fries and currywurst. PB says to me...."Do you have to bring everything back to food?!" And yes, I can remember most places by something I have eaten. Is that insane?

We celebrated New Years in Berlin and New Years Eve day we went to KaDeWe, not realizing that they closed at 2. This is typical actually, that stores close early on Holidays, I don't know why we didn't remember it. But anyways, they have an entire floor dedicated to food/drink. Part of the floor sells packaged goods from all over the world. Part of the floor are various grocery stores and then the final part are bistros. It was packed that day..we could barely move and we had to fight for a table on the cafeteria floor (a floor above the food floor). Anyways, if there was one thing I regretted not being able to see was that floor! I want to go back just to spend the day on that floor! I think of all the cool items I didn't get to see, try, or savor and it saddens me...

The weekend went by too fast and I was off of the wagon for most of it. It started Friday night, PB and I went down to Greektown and just had a nice time out. The first time in a while. We had good food and alcohol. We shared an app. (basically we each got one crabcake), there was a bread basket and the garlic spread was so delicious I didn't want to pass it up, so instead of the 10 baskets we used to eat, we only ate 2 (actually, of the 3 that came with the 2nd basket, we took 2 home). We then had our main course, and we both ended up taking 3/4 of it home. We were just so full. Needless to say, the scale wasn't in my favor on Saturday. I'll get back to that later though.

Saturday we ate left-overs and we had pizza for dinner. Lovely diet choices right? I can't even remember what we did on Saturday. Probably ran errands for our BBQ on Sunday.

So, yes, Sunday we had a BBQ with our family. The food was amazing! Way too much of it. I always make too much and now we have to eat potato salad (I make mine the german way with vinegar and oil so it isn't TOO bad) for the rest of the week. Oh well...I tried the No Pudge brownies and wow...they were amazing!!!! I couldn't believe how chewy/chocolatey they were. No one believed me when I told them they were practically low cal and low in fat.

Typically, my dad always took my brother to the Memorial Day parade and since he is stationed in Iraq, it was a tradition we wanted to continue. We got up at 6:45 and were out the door by 7. We met up with PB's parents at 7:30. The parade didn't start until about 7:50 and was over by 8:15. It WAS ridiculous though and made getting up at 6:45 so not worth it! We had breakfast and then went to Target so I could find a bathing suit because we had on intended on swimming in my moms community's pool. Surprisingly, they hadn't opened the pool yet and since it was so damn hot we just had to find one. We knew the nearby Metro Park had one but I was a little concerned about going. I know I know, I'm 24 and have never been to a public pool but it looked sorta worn out. It wasn't bad though. I was pleasantly surprised. It cost only 2 dollars a person (not including the park fee but we have a summer pass so it technically didn't cost us anything) and then a quarter for a locker. I wish though that they would have had more lounge chairs. The concrete was hard on my bones!

A couple of things about yesterday though..

1. In the parade, we had the Vietnam Vets and other military vets walking in the parade. People around us were hooting, hollering and clapping. I was saddened because our Troops who are currently over in Iraq received no recognition. I don't care if your Pro-Bush/Anti-Bush, Pro-War/Anti-War or whatever, we NEED to support our troops regardless. I know, my dad is over there because he was called to serve his country. I believe the majority are over there NOT because they want to be but because they have to be. Yesterday would have been a good day to pay tribute to them.
2. Target. I had a bathing suit last year, not quite sure where it went, but I didn't want to be a party pooper so I got over my phobia and just found one. I typically took 10 bathing suits per visit into the changing rooms. I think I had to go back and forth 4 times. At one point, I even offered to help them put them back! Surprisingly, I didn't feel too bad about what I saw. I mean naked, I wasn't appalled by the person in the mirror. Finding a bathing suit was difficult. For the tops, I had to go all the way up to a 18/20 before I found something that fit and then I had to go to the junior section for a bottom because I fit into a Lg. I mean how many fatter people have small chests?! Yes, I realize they do exist but geez!!! Overall, the experience wasn't traumatic.
3. More on the Metro Park..there were so many people there!! I couldn't believe it. The pool was supposedly an Olympic size one but it felt so small with all the people crammed in there! Also, I wish we could have brought our own lounge chairs because there just wasn't enough of them. I guess we could have laid on the grass but then we would have had to exit the pool area and we didn't really want to do that. I could definitely see myself going back if anything were to happen with my moms community pool.By thatI mean, it's so frickin tiny and there are so many people who live in that community, it perhaps is better to go to the Metro Park.
   

It was a great weekend, but I feel blah. Blah about my weightloss. At this point I've maintained my weight for this month. No loss, no gain. I know I shouldn't have any expectations and it's better to look at the big picture but damn it. I'm attending a WW meeting tomorrow. I gave myself a month on my own to see how I could do it and well, NUTHIN. I'm willing to pay for 4 weeks and we'll see how that goes. If I do well, perhaps I'll continue on...but WW be aware...I'm holding you to "those who attend lose 3 times more than those who attempt it on their own!" The same goes for working out..it's been sort of stalled. Yet, Im not happy with my legs anymore. At first I was seeing tangible results and now..well, it's been stalled. they still looked toned but I feel like I'm not progressing.

Last week was great, it showed me I can eat out and make the right choices. The weekends kill me though. It's not even the entire weekend, it's like from Friday night to Sunday morning. So, I'm changing my weigh-in day. I think Saturday is somewhat a bad indicator of my progress through the week. I'm typically lower Mon-Thur and then higher Fri-Sun. Does anyone else feel this way?

Alrighty...time for me to do some work...hihihi and that doesn't include reading my fave blogs!

I should receive Best Restaurant Eater for the Week Award!

ooohhh man...things have been crazy...

Wednesday:
Plans were hanging out with my family and that typically involves eating at Chilis, so I tried to eat as many low point filling foods as possible. These are amazing and at 0 pts per 1!! I went to my moms with 18 points banked. Mind you, 3 meals were ahead of me...kaffee, dinner, and dessert.

Although they were having WW PB cake (which I love) I chose a WW yoghurt instead. I kept on thinking of the ice cream I would have later. Going into dinner at On The Border I had 16 pts. I knew we were going to Coldstone for dessert and I really,really wanted an ice cream from there. I couldn't have my usual of Coffee with Heath cuz that was 20+ pts so I came up with an interesting alternative. Although, never having tried the Sinless Cream that as a Like It only had 3 pts. Plus, since I LOVE heath and I've found an amazing alternative (the WW heath) I could use that in my Sinless Cream. I was worried at first the HSers would laugh at me but whatever. I care more of my health than what some dorky employee thinks.
Having decided that I was going to have dessert that left me with 11 points. It's frickin hard man. Trying to go over the menu, look at points, come up with creative menus so that I utilize all of my 11 pts plus feel satisfied. I ended up having the Margarita Chix with Beans and it was delicious! Oh, and yes, I should also mention that I passed up the chips and salsa!

AM I AMAZING OR WHAT?! I totally did it!!!! I totally stayed within points and enjoyed mostly everything.

I should mention though that after waiting in line for a half hour at Coldstone, they had sold out of the Sinless Cream. Sad right, but that's ok. While everyone else had their ice cream I just ate my two heath pieces. The Margarita Chix was delish and I didn't regret having it. I can't say it will be my fave option/choice there but it's a decent substitute for when I will be OP. I made some sacrifices. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy not having cake or not having chips however this time around my mom was extremely supportive by not constantly asking..."are you sure you don't want any? are you SURE?" that really helped me stay FIRM in my decision.

Thursday:
Before having lunch with a gf I went to Old Navy. I need some more shirts and perhaps some of those cutesy knee shorts. I was a little disappointed. The size 12's still were a little tight. I guess I could wear them but I wasn't as comfortable as I had hoped to have been. Plus, being back at 176 I was hoping to finally FIT into a size 12 with no problem! Oh well...at least I didn't get upset nor turn to food...if anything I was more resolved to stay OP

I then met up with my gf. We went to this new place called Salsarita. Unfortunately they had limited nutritional info so I did the best that I could and I once again I AMAZED myself! I had a Bare Burrito, basically a salad with tortillas on the side. I had lettuce, tomatoes, black beans, onions and salsa! I tried eating just the 'salad' but I noticed I wasn't getting full so I eventually had the tortillas. Although they didn't have the fiber info, I put it at 0 because they were white so my lunch was probably around 12 pts. Not bad...and...I once again had NO chips!!!!!!

Totally on track..even though I didn't want to cook for dinner, I had bought a Skillet Meal
(did I mention it only has 5 pts per serving and there are exactly 2 servings and it was only $5 so it's definitely cheaper than eating out) which we would have to just warm up in a pan, ...however, as I pulled onto my street I got a call from my mom, who was on her way home from work, saying her car was smoking. Not even 5 minutes later I get a call that her tire blew out. My mom, unfortunately doesn't handle stress and things like a blown out tire well (at this point she was thinking the car was about to blow up), so she's crying/hperventilating and I felt so bad.

I grabbed PB and we headed towards the direction of my mom. Normally it would take me 15 mins to get where she is however it had started raining really badly and I didn't want to end up in the ditch..of course my moms calling every 5 mins, asking me to hurry..so it took us a little longer...We finally get there, PB changes the tire while I'm standing next to him holding the umbrella. We decided he would drive the car back to my mom's house instead of my mom because she was still terrified. As we are trying to merge onto the expressway again, PB veers back onto the shoulder. I guess the car had shut off, so now we are sitting on the side of the road again, he eventually jumps back out and does something in the fuse box, gets back in and the car starts back up. My mom probably broke down about 2 miles from the house, so that wasn't really that bad.

We arrive back at my mom's place at 8:30. I'm soaking wet, cold and hungry. Surprisingly, PB remained dry. Thankfully, I had my clothes from when I spent the previous night still in my trunk so I changed and scarfed down the rest of the pretzels my mom had, as well as a mini bag of Teddy Grahams. We go back to OTB and this time I can't resist the Borderrito or Chips and Salsa. I was starving and honestly with all the hecticness just wanted something I enjoy. For dessert, I had one of the four chocolate turtle thingees.

Today I was up ONLY a lb and half. Not really stressing about it. I'm back at it. It feels good to be in charge and going to bed with an overly full stomach, as well as waking up with a still full tummy was a great reminded that I'M MOTIVATED AS HELL. This weekend may be the first weekend, EVER that I may NOT experience a gain. I just don't want to. I'm ready to take the responsibility for this. If I can survive a week of eating out, I can frickin' survive a weekend!

We dont really have many plans...enjoying the weather, if it gets any better. Tennis and biking but that's about it. Detroit hosts this really cool electronic music festival but two years ago they implemented having to buy tickets so now we don't go because well..it's just too expensive for us since we only spend a couple of hours there..hey...whatever..

For those of you going away, have a safe and fun weekend!

The Da Vinci Code

Went and saw that last night..it was good. Unfortunately it didn't grab me like the book did. I felt my thoughts wandering. They changed a few things in the book, some that didn't mater and some that was just like 'huh'? I would recommend it to all especially those that haven't read the book. Go see it FIRST and then read the book!

The past two days have been difficult but not because I'm not motivated or whatever but because I'VE BEEN HUNGRY!!! Like constantly!! I just don't feel full which is strange for me because typically I feel full at the end of a meal!

Monday I stayed within my points and yesterday I went over by 3 but I was hungry and I figured it was better that I eat a couple of extra points at dinner than only have my hunger compound and then later in the evening binge. It worked beautifully!

Because of this hunger, I've really had to stay focused. I went shopping after breakfast because Sunday was a good reminded why NOT to go shopping when hungry. The first stop was Joes, a fruit/veggie shop, and I was so hungry afterwards that I headed back home to have lunch because I know that I LACK the ability to make healthy choices when eating out. Of course I passed a gazillion fast food joints and each time I had to pinch myself and remind myself that I would be out of a ton of points and still be hungry!

Then I had a small victory at dinner last night. I was DETERMINED to stay within my points for dinner and since we didn't have a lot of time between dinner and the movie, I suggested we eat Subway and it worked out perfectly. We don't really eat Subway that often but every time I do, I'm reminded that for the amount of calories/points it's quite delicious.

Ooohhh...also, I brought a snack pack to the theater! Ok, I know your not supposed too however if the theater doesn't offer any healthy options I should be allowed to!! So, I brought a 100 cal Popcorn, 100 cal Fudge Stripes, and 2 pc of 1 pt WW candy. Ended up only eating the popcorn though and it was fine. Does anyone else bring their own stuff to the show?

So, I really like the WW candy...I'm especially fond of the Peppermint Patties and Heath bars. The PB sticks weren't that great. The Caramel Drops which are similar to Rolos aren't bad, although I need to get used to the taste.. they have the most points (3 per serving) while all the other have 1 pt per piece. Yeah, the pieces are small and sometimes I have a hard time stopping at 1 but I've been doing a good job at controlling that. I would really like to try the WW muffins but I can't find them any where!

Stocked up on some microwaveables yesterday, for those times when I don't have time to make lunch for myself or when PB doesn't want to make something for his lunch. I don't really want to rely on them but it's considerable cheaper than eating out! Also, I was surprised that a lot of items carry the WW Point info. I think Breyers ice cream had points on it and so did Lean Cuisine meals. That's cool and completely helpful. I feel dorky standing in the aisle with my Point Finder. I'm realizing though that the more I use it the more I am able to guesstimate Points if I don't have my finder with me and typically be on target!

Anyways..to another successful day!

SNL

Did anyone watch SNL on Saturday?

ok, I'm a HUGE fan of Nelly Furtado!! Have been way before she hit mainstream! But I don't know anymore...

Ok, her first single I like...it's different. I understand it's hard for an artist, ok maybe I don't but I think LL Cool J described it quite well.."it's a catch 22, if you do the same stuff throughout all your career, your critics say you aren't creative..if you try something new they say that your straying from your roots"..alright, that makes sense..but her second song?!

oh my god...it sounded horrible, and on top of that...could she have crammed any more people onto that stage?!

and WHY did she keep on touchng her hair?! lemme state that I've attended 3 of her concerts and at every concert she has always had her hair in a pony tail....uh huh..so I'm guessing she was just overwhelmed by the amount of hair she had on her head!?

ugh...I hope her CD isn't a disappointment...

things have been good...stuck to my points yesterday and worked out hopefully today will be quite similar to it..

Lane Bryant

**WARNING**..this is a long one...

My mom was giving a speech on Friday to her professional women's association and since she gained 10 lbs, didn't really have any clothes that 'fit'. She requested my assistance in shopping for an outfit because well, sometimes although my mom is only 44, dresses like she's an old lady. Sidenote: How is it that my mom gains 10 lbs and has to go up 1-2 sizes but when I lose 15 I'm still in the same clothes size? Unfair!

Mind you, we have exclusively always shopped at Lane Bryant. The one we normally go to was yanked out of the mall and plopped into a strip mall. Is this a growing trend? Does LB not want to be associated with malls anymore, because I'm seeing them pop up in strip malls everywhere.

Anyways, I think we can all agree that any new store is well....nice! A few things struck me though:

• First off, I walked in and I felt like I was in Express. Yes, I know Express, LB, and VS are all owned by the same parent company. I mean that's cool...I like the fact that the store is bright, well lit and gives off a more fun vibe than the dread we felt when we went to the old store in the mall.

• Secondly, the display of the goods was also similar to Express'. They overstuffed the shelves. They were so packed that I had to bust out the big guns just to push some stuff around so that I could look for the sizes. Ugh...I hate that. I mean I understand you want to have all your goods out so that we have options but I'll tell you this...if something falls off at the end, don't expect me to pick it up!

• Thirdly, the goods. Ok, LB has come a very,very long way from back in the day when I remember LOTS of flowers and spandex. They have some really hip stuff now. I saw some adorable blazers and tops, however I wouldn't wear those to work. Three fourths of that stuff in there wasn't really work acceptable. We struggled finding something my mom could wear holding a speech. They had a few work shirts but hello...I think you could find more stylish shirts at the maternity store.

• Fourthly, the goods were really only geared towards (in my opinion) to the 20 to 40 year olds. There were a few ladies in their 50's and the stuff they were trying on... OH MY GOD....I hope she wasn't going to wear this shirt in public...she bought one of these tops. Yeah they are cool, but not for someone in their 50's! At least I don't think so, and that's the problem. There aren't enough options there for older people. There was a grandma and she ended up buying a couple of capris and various t's, but I could tell she was a little disappointed.

• Finally, I believe that a plus size store should solely employ those that themselves are overweight and have to shop there. They had 3 employees and only one of them was considered "plus size". Hell, one was even 'skinnier' than I was!
  

Our options were slightly less than what we would have liked but overall it was a good shopping experience for my mom. She hates shopping, I blame this on the fact that she's not a patient person. She expects to walk in, find what she wants, and then have it fit her -- of course all in a 5 minute time span!! That's just not reality.

Years ago, my mom had this peasant top shirt. She LOVED it and because my mom always says I'm too negative I agreed that it looked good. Did I really think so? Well, theoretically it looked good. However, my mom is 5'4 and was a size 18. The peasant top not only overwhelmed her tiny frame but also made her appear heavier!!! Sure, peasant tops look good on 5'11 size 2 women but they didn't look good on us.

I am/used to be the same way. I learned this from my mom, and she learned it from her mom. Go in, find, buy. That's so not the case. Since I've started watching Stacey London's What Not To Wear, I've really changed my view on shopping. Having never been thin enough, I was always so grateful when something "cool" fit that I bought it regardless of how I looked. When I look at pictures from back then...damn, did I look bad!

Finding clothes that not only fit but look good is hard. I guess I realized it wasn't meant to be easy when even S.L. told skinny people to be patient, seek out designers that really cater to your type and if need be TAKE IT TO A TAILOR!!! I want to look good and when I look good I also feel good. Yeah, it's hard finding items. So, I've widened my horizons. Instead of just going to 3 stores, I go to many more. In my opinion, any size over a 10 is not only hard to find. Seriously why is that every time I go shopping there is a plethora of 4's and 6's but I can never find 12's and 14's?!. Also, it appears as if The Limited, Gap, Express or Banana Republic are the only ones allowed to carry hip items in those sizes and in my age group! You really just gotta persist, and not put a time frame on your shopping. Which I do because I only shop when I need something for tomorrow and of course I can't find anything and leave frustrated.

I noticed a lot of women at LB were in and out. When we arrived, there was an older couple, and then a couple my age who were already shopping. While my mom was trying on clothes, a family came in, Lady A, Lady B, and Lady C. When we finally checked out everyone except for Lady D (she came in as we were paying) had already found their clothes, paid for them and left. WHAT?! I don't know, perhaps these women know what looks good on them and can just come in and buy it. I unfortunately have not reached that awareness yet and I want to say that some of they didn't either! It's impossible to have gone through the entire store and looked at all the items, chose what they wanted then tried it on perhaps even had to go back and get a different size, and then finally decided what they were gonna purchase in a 45 minute time span! It saddens me. I hope the majority, didn't just buy to cover up.

And finally, why are all the pictures of the models PERFECT! Ok, yes, I'm not LB material however those women in the pictures above the bra's had no back fat, no tummy rolls and perfectly tiny boobies! Come on now...maybe a few exist that are skinny and roll free but the ladies I saw, and MYSELF, are not...so lets be more realistic. I wondered though, if I would be appalled seeing a lady in a bra with tummy rolls if she were on a picture. I don't think I'd be..I mean I see my mom, I see myself and I wasn't appalled when TBL has their contestants come out in nothing but sports bras. sidenote: why do they always let them come out in longer shirts at the end but at the beginning make them wear those hideous sports bras?!

On a side note, this has nothing to do with LB but with my fellow big girls. I felt some hostility from the shoppers. You know, I'm used to receiving hostility at certain Express' and The Limited stores. I'm sure the Size 0's wonder what's going to fit me when I walk into their stores and that really bothers me because when I do shop, I go all out. Now, I just go to different locations if I don't like the sales ladies. Anyways, I felt like the gorilla in the room, and the girl my age flat out stared me down. Like what, I was gonna steal her man right then and there. It's funny...I felt a resentment because I was thinner than them! That saddened me. I face the same hardships they do. Finding clothes to fit my differently proportionately body. I struggle with weight loss and part of me knows that they have to be unhappy with how they are, otherwise they wouldn't be acting the way the were. Why is it that we do that to one another? Typically when I walk into a room, I know I'm the fattest there. I don't expect anyone bigger than me to be present. I never thought I was discriminating to fatter people, if anything I felt more compelled to be friendly to them because I know the anguish I go through and it really NEEDS to stop.

that's what I love about this blogging community...we are all here supporting each other regardless of what we've lost, gained, or maintained. I feel so often that this sort of camaraderie is lacking in real life. Oh my well....

May's 3rd Ticker aka Fatty McButter Pants

I thought this ticker is really the best representation of what my weight loss is..

alright so...this was to be expected. I'm not even bothered by it.

It's just funny that I can gain weight in like 2 days but it'll take me more days to lose it, talk about unfair?!

Anyways...I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend!

You can keep your cake!

This week has definitely not been a stellar one.

I faced a lot of difficult eating situations but that's life isn't it? I can't get rid of eating out, I just need to figure out a way to work around it. I certainly didn't choose the healthiest choices but I opted not to because it's so rare that I get to eat there. We're talking like once a year.

I also know that restaurant food is addictive. It's like they lace coke or something into it. I was craving eating out. When we had our 2 week eating in stint, I didn't crave going out and I lost consistently!

It's just so easy sometimes...especially when your not in the mood to cook. Cooking is just so involved, between deciding what your gonna make, to buying the ingredient's, then the cutting and god what else is involved! AAAAHHHHHHH...oh did I mention the clean-up? OH MY GOD....I'm the goddess of dishes...yes, we have a dish washer but we only try to run it once a day and certain things like pots/pans and our good knives I prefer to handwash. It's just a pain at times!

But I've learned this:

• I didn't know how to control myself and when to stop. The food was good and I thoroughly enjoyed it, so much that I frequently ate till it hurt. Eating my meals at home, I can gage when I've had enough.
  
• I didn't necessarily feel good about eating out but I felt like I needed to eat out! I mean we were spending money and although I enjoyed the taste of the food, my body didn't embrace it.
• My sleeping was disrupted. I didn't sleep well, my tummy hurt!
  

I had skipped 2 days of working out and I felt fat yesterday. I mean I literally could feel my body expanding. It's crazy! I mean it takes me weeks to change my body and by skipping a day or two, your body already starts falling apart.

After lunch yesterday, my jeans and top were already tighter from the previous days' food frenzy, I decided I would workout after dinner and I did. Holy shit, was it rough though! I felt nautious when I finished. Throughout the circuits, the minute I felt ill, doing a particular exercise, I moved on to the next exercise. I felt like I was starting all over again! I'm gonna mention this though because I think it's an important part of 'changing your life' that doesn't get talked about a lot...working out is time consuming. Between getting the gear ready so that I can workout, working out, and then showering/blow drying/make-up it can be a minimum of 3 hours!! I mean I could be doing a lot in those 3 hours! Yes, there are certain things I could lay-off of like not blow drying my hair or make up but well, I don't feel good about myself leaving without straightened my hair or having applyed make-up.

Also, I can honestly say that I started missing exercising. I mean the two previous days I just didn't want to. I had no desire to and then yesterday when I started feeling my body falling apart I got MAD. I mean, I worked frickin hard to get where I am today and there was NO WAY I was gonna start over from the beginning!!!

And this is what I've learned from this:

• I feel A-MAZ-ING about myself when I work out. I feel tall, lean, curvacious. When I don't workout, I feel short, fat, dumpy.
• Working out will help me get to my goal.
• I had room in my bra cups (I know a lot of women don't like losing weight in their boobies but I can definitely lose some weight there ...I've got a plethora!)
  
• My face was looking thin again, it shocked me. Whenever I went into the bathroom I was shocked looking at my face and seeing it thinner. I loved that!

Amy made a really great comment yesterday and I quote "if you go fast enough you can't see where you came from." Maybe I needed this week to really open my eyes. To show me that I am committed, that I WANT this. That these previous weeks, although not all perfect, have led me to here and now where I can say: maybe we should stop eating out and other things may be neglected because I need to work out. I can now honestly say thin does taste better than any piece of cake.

I miss my 'gaunt' face and I miss the room in my bra cups..I want and will get back to where I was last Saturday.

Sick

oy..where do I begin..

ok, Tuesday I was extremely self-indulgent...craved McDonald's and decided to have it. It wasn't bad, not as great as I remembered it but ok. I love when this happens...where I have something and it doesn't live up to my expectations. This typically lessens the need I have for that particular food.

Then yesterday I had some great intentions. Started the day off with my Kashi but after a morning meeting my mom and I went to Red Lobster for lunch. I TRIED to order off of the Lighthouse Menu but nothing really looked that great so I ended up having Shrimp Scampi. Oh, we also had a crab pizza app. Then dinner was at a Mongolian barbecue. For dessert, Haagen Dasz Bailey Ice Cream.

all I know is that I have been sleeping pretty crappily. I'm a tummy/side sleeper and with such a FULL tummy, it's been nearly impossible to do that without feeling pain.

yes, I'm up 5 lbs and I don't care. ok, maybe a little.

I've really been slacking this week and I'm not quite sure why. I was so determined last week to hit monthly goal and now with less than a week away I probably won't achieve it and I'm so-so about it. I was thinking that perhaps because I always have an event that I lose weight for I drive myself crazy. Not in the good way but in an obsessive,crash and burn sort of way.

I just always have this high level of expectation or perhaps my goals are too big...like 3 lbs a week and I rarely achieve those and I get all wound up. So, I'm gonna try to throw all my goals out the door and focus on the habits of living healthily - staying within my point range and exercising daily.

Pity Party

I don't really have a whole lot to say plus well, the weather is getting to me...It's been almost an entire week of solid rain, plus my mom's sick and my job hunt is getting considerably worse. I stopped looking for a while and am now back at it but there's just nuthin.

I don't want a pity me post because well, those just aren't fun to read.

However, I was up to 177.5 today and that irked me because I was only 176.5 yesterday and I stayed within points plus I worked out so I dunno if it was just remnants of the weekend but it bothered me severely. But that's not the issue..the issue is I can't "realize" that I'm in this weight range of 176. I still believe I'm more like 179. Perhaps because I was dancing around that number for the longest time but I feel like it's impeding my further weight loss. Is that ridiculous or what!? MY OBSESSION WITH MY WEIGHT IS RIDICULOUS!!

Either way, I need to find something to do with myself. I think this staying home all day isn't healthy for me and perhaps may be bringing on a mild case of depression. I really have little interaction with people to begin with. I'm not very sociable, at least not since I've gained 30lbs. I find it difficult to make small talk in larger gatherings. I've always been one to have a few good friends than a larger, flakier group. However, throughout the years, do to growing older and moving on with life my group has whittled down to NONE. Yup, NONE. I should also mention, at times I'm too lazy to call people to set things up. I don't know if Id call it lazy but it's a hassle. I mean EVERYONE always has such a busy schedule that you have to schedule for three weeks in advance and if I call you now to do something well, I want to go do it NOW not in 3 weeks!

I think I'm going to see if Jo-Ann fabric is offering any beginning sewing lessons. I own a sewing machine and took a class but we never got past hand sewing. That would be something. Maybe see if a local community around me offers some sort of yoga class or something. I just need to start doing something besides the same day-in/day-out return because it's driving me crazy!!!!

A Rainy Monday

I cant believe the weekend is already over!!!! wth?!, where'd it go?

Saturday was really spent getting ready for Sunday, the baking, cleaning and final shopping. I was shocked though, a typical weekend breakfast for us: an omelet consisting of 1/2 c E.B., 1 sl. of cheese, 2 sl. of bacon, + 1 sl. of bread with jelly + fruit puts me at 8 pts! Then lunch was a 12 in from subway, a 6 in doesn't fill me up and I end up eating more chips than if I had just eaten a 12 in and that put me at 14 pts, so basically I had a pt left for dinner! It's a good thing I had all my Flex, which I then finished using on Sunday.

I honestly have no clue how many I used yesterday. I do know this. Sunday I was up 2.5 lbs and today I'm down 2 lbs which puts me at exactly a .5 up from Saturdays weigh-in! If I stick to my points for the rest of the week, hopefully I'll be down another 3 lbs!!! That would be sssooo amazing!!! I really, really want to reach my goal, 169.5, for this by the end of this month (5/31)

mother's day was really nice...we just hung out, and then pb's parents and brother came over later in the evening..the weather is just so bad. I'd become so used to going to the courts after my brother came home from school and now that the weather is shit we have no clue what to do with ourselves!

I'm amazed though that I lost 2 of the 2.5 lbs I put on. In the past if I let myself whatever I wanted on the weekends, I would easily gain both days only having to lose what I gained Monday - Wednesday. I didn't really feel deprived yesterday. I did only eat twice, we had brunch and then coffee/cake. Last night around 10 I was hungry but I didn't want to eat anything to heavy so I had a banana and it was satisfying. It's great! I'm so geeked.. I was getting nervous that I'd have to use most of the week re-losing the weight I put on!

food wise:
5 pts. for breakfast
4 pts. for lunch
2 pts. for mid-afternoon snack
13 pts. for dinner (ww pizza)

which leaves me 0 pts. but if I'm truly hungry I can always dip into my AP account which will probably give me 3/4 pts.

ooohhhhh...also, not quite sure if I've mentioned this before, however I have a slight obsession with the scale...PB is quite jealous of it since it gets more action than he does...hihihihi. I guess that's true, I mean I don't jump on PB 20 times a day! sssooo....I had PB take it to work today...

anyways,thats all I have for this Monday folks...

Happy Mother's Day

I wish I were more eloquent with words so that I could fully express the gratitude I myself have for my mom and all the other mothers, grandmothers, and guardians out there.

Many have sacrificed so that we have it better today than they did back when so that in years to come our kids will have it better than we do now.

The unconditional love, hope, support that is given to us through the good and the bad.

I personally know my mom would prefer I thank, appreciate her throughout the year yet somehow I always forget, or don't take the time to so...vielen dank fuer alles!!! Du bist wirklich die allerbeste Mutti die man haben kann!!! Die beste Waschmaschine die man ham kann, das beste Buegeleisen, das beste Zimmermaedchen, die beste Finanzfrau, und der beste Cheerleader...ohne dich waehre viel nicht moeglich...Herzlichen Dank fuer alles!

May's 2nd Ticker

A 3 lb lost!!!

Not bad, eh? Not quite my mid-month goal of 175, but pretty damn close!

That puts me at 5 lbs for the 100 Day Challenge...hhhmmm...not gonna focus on that one right now, however...it's still not over!!!

The one and only fault I have ;)

Ha! I never thought I'd be back to post today...you probably noticed I was a little down.

perhaps my mom was right, perhaps I AM NEGATIVE...overall I'd call myself realistic however when it comes to myself I'm negative and I'm not a braggart...

I always think my achievements are never enough, that what I am capable of is so little compared to others, when in reality I'm probably more fit than some skinny people..

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Be Down On Myself:

• Yes, I may not always eat correctly around peeps but I betcha I know more about nutrition than your skinny-ass does!

• Yes, I may not look like I work out but goddamn it I betcha you couldn't keep up with me weight wise when we are lifting!

• Betcha you couldn't last as long as I last jump roping...

• Betcha you wouldn't last at the intensity that I ellipticize at

• Betcha you have no clue how to use a stability ball yet what exercises are possible on it

Do you know why I know this?! Because when I have mentioned any of the above to peeps who don't really know me, they are amazed!! But, I think the best is PB...he's amazed every time he sees me do something he didn't think I could do, he couldn't do nor knew what to do with and let me tell you...he's an athlete (a slightly chubby one at that!)

So...with this..I'm not letting my gain get to me...I did everything I could yesterday and today I will do the same..

SO THERE!!!

TGIF

I dont really have a whole lot to talk about today so I guess this one will be short and sweet.

The weather has been pretty crappy and it looks like it may continue into the weekend.

I wasnt motivated to workout yesterday but I did anyway!!!! Yay me!!!! I'm in the same boat today but I'm already wearing my gym clothes so at 9 I'll be back at it.

Showed a gain today so now I'm all bummed. I know I shouldn't be but bite me. I'm not really quite sure why. Perhaps water retention? I did drink 92 oz of water yesterday. Trying to achieve Jessi's norm of 100 ozs.

This weekend will be busy..we have a ton of plans for this weekend and on Sunday is Mother Day's, so I hope everyone has a great weekend and I'll be back tomorrow for my weigh-in.

Positive Changes

Looking over past posts, I fear I've become that lame blogger who complains about the lack of weightloss and all that junk that is involved with losing weight, so I'm compiling a list of positive changes that have occurred in my life since starting this. However, before that, one more little issue..

I fear what's going to happen once I do reach goal...will I be able to continue living healthy? Is my method conducive to continuing this for a life time? Will I still be so obsessed about what I eat or don't eat? I do sometimes wonder about those reformed fatties who say that they can never go back to eating a McDonald's double cheeseburger or whatever cuz honestly I really want a McFish meal biggie sized, plus a double cheeseburger and 4 pc McNugget (I've never eaten THAT much at once) RIGHT NOW!!!! I just wonder if these desires will go away...I do want them to go away! I want to want to eat healthy, nutritional foods!

But, I'm getting off track.. some positive changes that have come about..

1) I generally lead a more active life style. Not only have I been working out consistently for the past 2 weeks, but I've been adding in athleticism into my daily life. Whether it be bike riding or playing tennis...I'm attempting to lead a more active life style, which is HUGE. My family has never really been into sports or doing stuff outside so that I'm trying to change that is amazing!

2) I've been cooking consistently. We haven't gone out to eat in over a week and a half (a HUGE change) and I'm trying out new WW recipes. Some which I don't like but I'm making an effort. The same goes for my veggie/fruit requirement. I wasn't meeting them last week so I played around a little and have been fitting them in for the past 2 days!!!

3) I've been binge free for a while now. I don't actually remember the last time I had one. I didn't eat all the 100 calorie packs when I bought them. Sidenote: I know some peeps would think that my Monday night 3 Musketeers bars would sound like a binge HOWEVER I did not feel bad while or after eating it. I had had the cravings for over an hour and finally decided to sate it and I did. Therefore, in my book, it was not a binge.

So, yes that is what I've been up to. Amy has a really great mentality about rewards (check out Monday May 8th post) and I quote..

"i didn't want it to be pound based because i'm really just a little too fragile for that. "you didn't lose x pounds, no treats for you!!!" i want it to be more like a reward for building up good habits."

I on the other hand have always rewarded myself pound based. I never even thought of doing it any other way, but why not?! Why shouldn't I deserve something just because I don't reach a certain number, I've been making incredible changes in my life and I deserve any treat I deem necessary to succeed/continue on this journey!

So, I'm still doing a lb based one...for every 5 lbs I'm buying myself 5 songs from iTunes. Just something to look forward to every 5 lbs and I get to buy pop songs from peeps like Lindsey Lohan or Hillary Duff without having to admit I'm an owner of their albums.

At the end of this month, I'm going to buy myself something bigger. I'm thinking maybe a belly dancing DVD. I belly danced a few years ago and I LOVED it. However, I didn't like that I had to drive to the ghetto to take these classes so I'm thinking a DVD may be the option. Or perhaps, I may buy some tennis shorts/skirt. I'm playing practically every day now and although my legs are pasty and still a little stocky, I think I can show them off and maybe get a little tan.

I had another great OP day, this week is turning out to be great! I was quite happy with the scale number I saw this morning. Just maybe I'll be able to reach my mid-month goal. That would be FAN-TAS-TIC!!!!!

Trudging

Monday was a pretty rough day. I was hungry all day, went through all of my points plus some. I had 2 Three Musketeer bars and some ice cream but thankfully was satisfied after that and have yet to have another craving.::keeping those fingers crossed::

Tuesday was a ton better. I woke up motivated, and then worked out. Today will be 2 weeks of having stuck to my weight program. I can't believe it.

Weds starts the next level. The way this program is set up is that every 2 weeks for 12 weeks, the weight routine increases. I think it's been doing its job quite well so, we'll see how badly I'm hurting Thursday!

Tuesday was a good day...I ate all my POINTS and just felt good. I think I reached a new level of success yesterday. My mom came over and we had our kaffeeklatsch and these can normally be a little disastrous because I try not to let my diet choices affect those around me, so we normally have high calorie cake. NOT yesterday, well they did, however I had to Eggo Waffles with some whip cream, and it was GREAT! I'll admit I wasn't completely satisfied but I think it had more to do with the fact that I wasn't used to having something different from the rest.

Found a great new song by Cheyenne Kimball...it's called Hanging On. ::ok, this is just a clip:: I think it's going to be my new mantra. I don't know if anyone watched MTV's 'Miss Seventeen' but she was on there. Unfortunately since she hasn't released her album, and I'm not that computer savvy, I can't find the lyrics. The song talks about how she's having a bad day but she refuses to give up because she's strong and is the only one who can change herself yada yada yada. It's a good beat and describes how I'm currently feeling.

Weight Watchers

Ok...so I'm overall happy with W.W. This is the first time on a program, where I can eat anything (in moderation of course). I posted this before, that this 'eat whatever you want' can be bad but I think I'm doing really quite well not overdoing it. I still have a few 100 calorie snack packs in my pantry.

We started last Saturday (4/29) and although we weren't "tracking" POINTS, we were counting them. Tuesday (5/2) is when I finally decided that I needed the WW journal and since then have been "tracking" my intake quite well.

PB lost 6 lbs the first week. Me, well, I gained a .5 lb.

I'm a little confused on the whole point thingee though. During the week I notice that I have like 5 pts leftover at night, NOT including my AP's. I know there were a few times where I ate 2 ice creams just to get rid of some of my points. Does anyone else have that problem? Can I bank those for the weekend? If I don't eat all my POINTS, will that stunt my weightloss?

Then, I find it hard to guesstimate when we eat at someone elses place or in general do family style.

I still wonder if I'd get more a benefit out of it, if I went to the meetings. We'll see how the month ends and if I'm not happy with my results I'll contemplate attending meetings.

I hope this Saturday will show a substantial loss, after all this frickin retention of water! Seriously, normally I drink a liter and I pee non-stop. Yesterday, nothing, nada, zilch. Strange.

May's 1st Ticker

Ashamed

Yes, that is what I am. I've literally sucked donkey a$$ at this 100 Day Challenge. I'm just so disappointed at my lack luster performance. It makes me not want to post and for the most part I haven't until now and even this one will be lame.

I've been beyond busy since Thursday. I spent Thursday and Friday getting ready for the Cinco de Mayo shindig I threw at my place. Family only, approx. 6 peeps, until I got a call from PB Friday morning saying his mom had invited his grandparents, at which I had a nervous breakdown. I don't do well with sudden change...our patio set isn't big enough to seat more than 6 peeps and I already saw all my decorations and plannnng down the drain. I was livid at PB's parents, they have no consideration for others plans and expect you to drop yours when they call you 5 mins before they expect you over. Anyways, when they finally did show up sans grandparents, I was a little annoyed. I guess they hadn't invited them until 5 mins before they were leaving their place and well the grandparents had already changed into their night clothes. This was at 7 pm. The evening was great though, my food was a HUGE success. I made way too much and my Sangria was ten times better than anything I drank in Spain last summer. Overall, the evening was saved.

Then Saturday we slept in, played 2 hours of tennis, ran some errands and ate some of the leftovers from Friday. It was just a chill night.

Today was spent at PB's Aunts, where we celebrated his moms Mothers Day. It was lame (mind you we still have to sit a kiddy table..wtf?! PB is 31!!!) but it's gotta be done.

To that...it's a new week. With new hope and determination. Wish I were more positive but I'm tired of going over the endless posibilities of "if I lost this __ every week till July 20th, I'd weigh this" only to gain at weigh-in. Yes, I gained a .5lb this week. It could be TOM or the fact that I'm lifting weights but I'm tired of it.

Tired is a good way to describe it, yet NOT tired enough to completely pitch it...so thats a plus right ;)

Part 1 of ??

so...I've spent a lot of time thinking of 'Why/How I've ever arrived at this place?'. I think I've been able to pin point a few discoveries, I'm actually somewhat embarrassed to write about this but I think this one is a one of the two major ones ( hell, there may only be two, I'm still workin on it!)

I have an Aunt, we'll call her M., she's 5 years older than me. She and my uncle, we'll call him C, have been together for a while, she was actually the one and only gf we met, so we knew this was gonna be The One. I don't know if she was shy, introverted or worried about her figure, but she wasn't friendly/outgoing. I should probably say I'm not either, but at this time I would like to think I was still friendly. It also probably didn't help that my Oma didn't think anyone was good enough for her son. That and well, C. always made such a big deal about a girl he would date and that if she didn't look like Claudia Schiffer, well she just wasn't good enough for him.

Ok, M. looked NOTHING like Claudia. M is maybe 5'6 and when we met her we already saw that her body was extremely disproportional. She's tiny on top however as soon as you get to her waist/butt/hip area it looks like the bottom of where a waterfall hits the water. When I first met her she was already a little chubby but throughout the years she kept on gaining...I'm guessing at her highest she weighed 300 + lbs. 3 years ago my great great Aunt had a get together, one where my mom attended with C. and M., my great great Aunts family hadn't seen my mom in a few years and during that time my mom had lost A LOT of weight...so much she was the STAR of the show. I don't want to assume that because of this M. decided she needed to lose weight however it was this time that she started losing weight. Mind you, she never talked about dieting, flat out said that she refused to workout because she didn't enjoy it...Anyways, we didn't notice it the first year...she was just so big that even with 20/40 lbs gone she was still big. Last summer she reached her goal weight, I think she probably weighs around the 130's/140's.

Ill admit that once I realized she was losing weight, I became jealous. Jealous at her determination, drive to win the battle. She had never previously spoken of wanting to lose weight or dieting, when peeps asked her if she was losing weight she refused to speak about it. I still have no clue how she did it. She claims she didn't work out. I spent a week with them when we went on a bike tour last summer and she only ate 2 a day, and the portions weren't any bigger then what I ate and we rode a good 60 kilometers a day and we had panniers on our bikes!

I realized that I was stupid for behaving like this (you know, secretly hating her) is when my mom told me that her friend ,who also knows M., said 'well, I hope she keeps it off!' But not in this totally 100%-I-know-what-its-like-trying-to-shed-this-shitty-weight, but in a damn-that-now-skinny-bitch sort of way. Isn't that sad? It really put shit into perspective for me. I know how hard it is to lose weight. You know, sticking to plan until you lose a decent amount of weight and then going off of it, or people not noticing the lbs as they are dropping away. When peeps aren't rooting for you. It's frickin hard! It was then that I stopped hating her and instead admired her for what she achieved. I was still slightly jealous that throughout my entire history with her she never dissed her body, she never felt the need to be thin or to dress less attractively because of her weight and now she lost over 100 lbs without anyone's input/support and at her first try!!!!

I'm even more jealous in August, I had just returned from Spain where I somehow gained 14 lbs! Damn Fanta con vodka's...oohh and that Agua de Valencia! After seeing her, and my mother's embarrassing betrayal (which is another post in itself) I was determined to lose the weight during the fall.I did, I lost 22lbs and gained 12 back. Still enough to make a difference and she when I went back in December, she noticed.

Fast forward to March, she has birthday and I call her. I'm 'ok' with her but because of her behavior towards my family I'm just not 'cool' with her! Because of this I try to keep the birthday wishes short and sweet, I think she feels the same way, so it works out perfectly. However, this time, she's all about asking me if I'm still dieting, losing weight yada yada yada. So, what do I say? 'Hhhmm, I wouldn't know. I haven't weighed myself in a while. And left it at that and frankly it annoyed me! I'm not quite sure why...but I knew she didn't want to talk about her weightloss and never pressed it. So why is she asking about my weightloss?!

I just don't get a good vibe about her and the way she treats some of my family, I'm very iffy about her..to the point when I visit them (collectively C., M., and my Opa -- they all live in the same House) I dread seeing them. Unfortunately, my Opa still tries to portray this whole happy family ideal and in reality none of us can stand her nor does he, but that's not the point.

THE POINT: I'm not envious of her anymore. Honestly, I've spent so much (negative) energy on her that enough is enough. I think it hit home Easter weekend, my mom complimented the patio set we bought and instead of thanking her I said "well, it's not as nice as M.'s". My mom got really mad at me for comparing myself to her and I know I do this quite frequently (creating more anguish). I think in reality what I dislike about her is what I see in myself that I also dislike. I think it's great she battled the bulge, and I genuinenly hope that whatever she chooses to do next, whether that be to remain at this weight or gain a few back, that she's happy. She deserves all the applause for this because no one but her did it. Regardless, it was time for me to banish her from my mind because she was taking up much needed space I could use to focus on other things, myself. Perhaps because I've stopped sending negative karma her way, I'm receiving some good karma myself.

Dr. Oz "Action leads to Motivation"

another day, new trials....

Losing weight isn't just about dropping the lbs off my body, it's also about dealing with the emotional baggage that got me where I am today, was yesterday and will be tomorrow. I feel like I am constantly thinking about my issues with food, the baby steps I'm performing and the choices I am making.

I went out to dinner with my fam last night. I decided what I was having before walking into restaurant; however, when I got there I opened the menu and was immediately tempted by all the options, so tempted I nearly changed my order. I had to quickly close the menu and was determined to remain steadfast. I had some chips and salsa as an app, and when my fajitas came I had that with the tortillas and the guacamole (realizing that they weren't part of the points but I couldn't find the info regarding those). I left satisfied, not STUFFED.

of course no meal is complete without dessert so we stopped at coldstone on the way home. I tried a sinless version but I didn't enjoy so I ordered a Like It Coffee with Heath while the rest ordered Love It's. I typically always order Love It's, not because I need that much (although at times I do enjoy eating that much) but because my fam orders Love It's. At the pace I eat, I could easily eat a Like It and still have some left over by the time my family finished eating their Love It's. I do that a lot. Order or eat because of what other people are ordering or eating. It's a serious problem. I was still so full that I opted NOT to eat dessert.

That was strange. Strange because in the past I would have forced it down regardless and that saddens me. Yes, I "tasted" the first bite but after that it was all sweety goodness. It was bizarre. Lately, I've noticed that I've been satisfied just buying the treat without eating it. It's just clicked that ColdStone will be there tomorrow, so will all the candy I love or the chips that I eat. Food doesn't tempt me as much anymore KNOWING I can have it whenever I want it. It'll be there as long as I want it to be. There's a strange, happy sensation to having arrived at this point. It's still not completely 100% perfect because tonight I scarfed it down after I already had had my dessert for fear that it might up and walk out of the freezer and into the garbage (just like those movie snacks!)

I'm quite proud of myself. I've stuck to my weight schedule for the past week. It's crazy. This is the first time I've stuck to this particular schedule. It feels great. While I was driving today I felt this pulsing in my bicep. I could just feel my muscle becomes stronger,bigger. I notice a slight burn every day. Not as horrible as the first two days but now it's a constant reminder of what I have achieved and what I will have achieved at the end of this 12 week program.

Dr. Oz from the Oprah Show yesterday had a great quote...Action leads to Motivation. The more I am proving to myself, the more I am wanting to achieve.

I just wish I knew what "clicked". If anything this is what I'm trying to figure out, what I spend my days thinking about. What finally happened to get me to this place?!

Mahndays..

I cant believe the weekend is over, AGAIN...wth?! It goes by way too fast. We are always so overbooked. On the positive, I'm only up a lb from Saturdays weigh-in!!!!! Oy, I can't wait to get to a point where I don't gain anything over the weekend. I wonder if that's possible?!

PB and I have decided to do WW. We're doing the On-Line version and I'm still a little weary about it. I'm just not quite sure if the POINTS system is the best. I'm concerned that it's all going to be this game to stay within your range and not a focus on the healthy portions and such. I believe I know what is healthy, nutritious food but I know I struggle with portion sizes. I'm making a serious effort to have that as my focus. PB on the other hand is all excited about the things he can now eat, basically anything, as long as it fits in his point range. PB is the type that can eat a few and then stop, but me. No, I can't, at least, not yet.

You know when food plays a big roll in your life when your constantly arguing about it. What are we gonna have, when are we gonna have it, where are we gonna eat at, what do you want, no what do you want. Honestly, food causes a lot of drama between PB and I. I could eat omelets for dinner, PB needs something more substantial. I need to eat on schedule so that I don't run into a binge later on. PB doesn't have that problem. I like to plan ahead so that I am at all times in control of what's going in my mouth. PB, no he lives in the moment and the situation.

For example, yesterday. We had a zillion errands to run before his 4 o'clock hair appt. We had breakfast at 11 so I had to eat at 2. We didn't even leave the house till 1:30. I'm already on edge because our first stop is Costco and I KNOW that Sunday they have all the testers out. I DO NOT want to eat any of that stuff. Ok, not only was it a madhouse (I normally go during the week but didn't realize we were out of Kashi) but now that we are on WW and we can eat whatever, we HAD to go down every aisle and with his little POINTS finder calculator EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that looks delicious is being put in the cart. I'm a little annoyed. Mainly because I don't want this much junk in the house, it's his junk and I probably wont touch it, but what if I am having a weak moment?! Yes, there is a good chance Ill pig out on a bulk size of Goldfish! We don't even leave there till 3. Ok, now I'm on edge..I'm willing to eat Taco Bell or whatever, why? Because I'm choosing to waste my calories on something BUT no PB wants us to sit down together and eat. BUT before we can do that, we MUST go to BestBuy and have his laptop checked. Alright, whatever, I wanted to go to Dicks anyways and that's right next door but now I'm getting anxious because I don't know where my next meal is coming from!! We finally leave at 3:30 and I come to the realization we probably won't be eating lunch..I'm hungry at this point. PB suggests we eat in the Food Court. We get there and there is absolutely NOTHING healthy, ok Mr. Pita was there but I don't like Mr. Pita and since I don't know the POINT values for it I refuse to eat it. Now, war is on. PB and I give each other the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. Come, 6:30 (and I still haven't eaten) when we had to be at his brothers house for the BBQ (which only added to the drama because they don't really provide healthy side options so now my eating day is basically gone to hell) we were cordial and that is how our Sunday ended.

Petty, isn't it? I'm just trying to be SSSOOO serious about this and I still don't feel as if I'm getting anywhere. PB definitely isn't to blame for my episode yesterday but I wish he would be more helpful. We didn't HAVE to go to Best Buy yesterday, he could have easily gone today however he was hoping he'd get a new laptop. Then we could have gone to Subway or even Olga's to eat. He doesn't understand why I'm buying this various weight bars for our weight machine. We created our own setup because the only gym we were considering of joining has a standard $300+ fee and then monthly payments are $50+, this in the long run comes cheaper for us. I know, I know, I can't control anyone by myself and yada yada yada...I'm just glad it's Monday because I'm back to my routine...eating schedule..

PB received bad news on Saturday..his dad has prostate cancer. I was SHOCKED. I mean this man is so healthy, plays tennis and volleyball a couple of times a week and still works out, he's a Lifetimer with WW. In my opinion, he's the ideal of good health. I know its a pretty treatable cancer, and they didn't know a whole lot when we talked to them yesterday so hopefully after today we'll know a little more.

Anyways, so I'm back to trudgin along...EXTREMEMLY motivated to show a 2 lb loss this week..we set the date to when we are going Up North and I'm determined to be sporting a bikini this year!!