Final Weigh-In for April

WOW..WOW..WOW..is this what happens after you gain a week and are DETERMINED to lose the next week?!

This has been by far the best weightloss week for the month of April..so this is where I began..

April 1st: 182.5
April 29th: 178.5

Net loss: 4 lbs

Ok, not the 8 that I had hoped for but thats ok..I COULD be weighing 187 instead! I'm more than positive that Ill lose 8 lbs in May!

100 Day Challenge: -2 of 40.. I think there are 77 days left and with 38 lbs left, that puts me at roughly a 1/2 lb a day(is that right?) to reach goal. IT'S DOABLE!!

OK, hope everyone has a great Saturday!!!

Pain, with a side dose of more pain...

I don't know what happened however I was wide awake at 3:30, I blame it on PB, he was tossing and turning like crazy. However, I'm so sore that I cant even turn in my sleep because it hurts SO BAD. Is this normal? I mean I didn't start out with any crazy weights. I started at my lowest ones! I'm honestly gonna have to take some Motrin or something because I just hurt! I don't even know if I can do cardio today! Well, I did do cardio, after I saw how HOT Shakira looked on the Today Show...Wow...She looked good and I doubt she was wearing any makeup. Today was AWESOME...I haven't elipiticized this well in forever. I felt light. That felt good. And, some of my soreness was a little more bearable afterwards.

I'm attending a banquet tonight with my mom, there's supposed to be this awesome speaker. Not really quite sure what its about, but I've been to this restaurant before and it blows. I should preface by saying that Dearborn, MI, home of Henry Ford and Ford Motor Company is also the home to the largest Arabic community in the US. Oh yes, this has got to be the safest city in the US..harharhhar...Anyways, because of this we have a plethora of Middle Eastern restaurants. Now, there is one chain, La Shish. They are awesome, good food and all over the metro area. The only better restaurants would be in the East side of Dearborn and a lot of peeps don't like to go there cuz well...It's different. An uncomfortable different. It's sort of like the French Area of Canada where everything is also written in French. A lot of restaurants and stores have everything else written in Arabic and carry halal meat. It doesn't bother me as much because my dad is half Lebanese. I have family in the South Side...Where the majority of Arabic people live. Plus, some might consider it the ghetto of Dearborn. Not only is it very unlikely for you to hear English in this part however it might not be the best idea for an unsorted white woman to be there. Not that it's dangerous but you'd receive a lot of negative attention. It's definitely a completely different culture and if you don't understand it, there could be problems. Regardless, I'm getting off track..This banquet is held at a crappy Middle Eastern restaurant and there's a flat fee of $20 which is totally overpriced for the amount of food and quality!

Update: they must have changed chefs or something because the food wasn't bad. However, the salad still had no taste and the flatbread wasn't the warm, straight out of the oven kind but the stuff they sell at the grocery stores. Also, the guest speaker owns her own image consulting business so she spoke about various fashion topics.. Creating a slimmer silhouette and how to achieve that through various techniques. After that we went to this restaurant in Birmingham, Pampas. It's a Brazilian Grille...tres coool! They are the only place that I know of in the Metro Area that sell Caipiranhas (sp). OH MY GOD...Those are to die for! I had them about 4 years ago in Germany...They are all the rage! This is how they are made: You put a little raw sugar in a glass, add ice and limes and mash them...Then you add a little cachaca and roses lime juice and wowla..You have a caipi! However, I did NOT have any yesterday. I didn't really want too but also we saw a ton of cops around downtown and since I was the driver, I didn't want any problems. After Pampas, we went to Cosi for a coffee, and I did indulge and get a one. I didn't expect the HUGE honking size of the one I got so I only drank half to 3/4s of it. Also, the other two got smores, oh my how I LOVE smores, but I had nada,zip,zilch and I didn't feel bad about it.

I had my coffee and I was CHOOSING health, skinniness, hopefully not too much pain for Saturdays weigh-in. Surprisingly, it wasn't as difficult as I had expected it to be. Part of me just accepted the fact that I need/want to do this and the longer I dick around, the longer I feel about myself because I'm not willing to take responsibility for my actions (regarding my weightloss). It's been weird. This whole week has been weird. Sometimes I wonder if because I overthink this entire dieting thing that I hold myself back? I just went with the flow and it has been by far one of the best weeks since I've started this whole bloggy thing. I think "this" is a major thing and I wish I could more eloquently write what I feel but part of me also doesn't quite get "it" yet. I don't fully understand the ramifications of "it" all.

I felt really bad for PB today (Friday)...He has charity jean day on the last Friday of the month and he didn't fit into any of his jeans...I felt so bad...He tried to blame the food from last night(Thursday) but it couldn't have been that...I only gained a lb from that.He knows too it wasn't that.It's his constant eating out for lunch, munching on the snacks they have lying around, and his lack of interest in working out. We first bought the elliptical because he thought it would be great because it works upper and lower body. Ok, well...Shortly after we got it he said he was bored. Ok fast forward to this year and now he wanted to buy a recumbent bike so that we can work out together. Ok and we bought one. Now he says working out completely is boring. Ok, yes, it's not my most favorite thing in the world HOWEVER I work out exactly for that reason. So that my jeans not only fit but that I can hopefully fit into smaller jeans. Plus, I love the fit feeling I achieve. I love how I can feel my body changing, becoming stronger.

Chubby

I don't have that much to post today. I had another POSITIVE day...wow...what is this, like the 4th in a row?! watch out!

Woke up, EXTREMELY soar. I had to roll around a few times to figure out the best way to make it out of my bed without fearing the neighbors may call the cops because of the screaming they hear coming from my house. It's bad. It's been bad all day. I feel like an old women. I'm sure people are wondering why it takes me 10 mins to get in and out of my car, plus why I'm walking like a penguin. It's a great pain though. It makes me want to persevere. I can already imagine how the results are going to look like.

Did Day 2 of the strength workout, it took me an hour and 45 mins today. WTH? It only took me an hour yesterday. Ok, I do have to say that I used weight machines today so I had to rearrange crap because the machines we have multi-function and i dont have enough weights and everything to keep both of my machines stocked but come on now! I didnt get cardio in, because of the damn hour and 45 mins, however I did "play" tennis for an hour and a half. It wasn't hard core or anything, my bro and i just hit the ball back and forth. Tomorrow is a day off for weights so I think I'm going to go running. I've been meaning too but just no time.

On another note, I did something TRULY amazing tonight. I'm still shocked by all of it. PB and I went out to dinner to Tuesdays, its the only semi-decent restaurant in our area. Anyways, I LOVE that place ok. I mean I have since HS, they have THE best loaded cheese fries (altho I do have to say they have since HS skimped on the portion A LOT). So, when PB and I go there we go all out. I mean we order the Loaded Cheese Fries as an app, then we each have the Mini Burgers + French Fries, and we end it with dessert the ice cream pie which we found out tonight that has been discontinued. That's a lot of food for 2 peeps, aint it?
Wwwwweeeeellllllllllllllllll, TONIGHT...we shared the mini burgers (there are 4 of them) and we each got the salad bar. THAT WAS IT!!!! Ok, for us, this was A HUGE deal. I indulged by still eating the burgers but I also tried to round it out by getting a salad...lots of veggies and a little dressing on the side. Of course the first thing PB said when he found out they discontinued the pie was...so, are we gonna have ice cream once we get home? and NOPE, we had NONE, ZIP, ZILCH. I didnt even want any. Weird...I think aliens are invading my body...

I know I let the number on the scale rule me, I have a horrible obsession with the scale (I weigh myself a gazillion times a day) BUT I'm making a REAL effort to also notice the healthier choices I am making for myself. That's frickin hard...I mean real frickin hard. At least for me, it doesn't give me the same satisfaction as having a lesser weight.

something truly embarrassing happened yesterday...oh my god...ok, pb came home really late so we didnt have dinner till 8. well, i measure everything out, mustard, ketchup and mayo so I had them in their respective measuring spoons lying on my plate. as we're eating, someone knocks on the door, it's PB's bro. Of course, we let him in and he joins us in the kitchen. The spoons are so part of my life, they blend in to my food/plate and I don't even think twice about them UNTIL.....he's like..."damn chubby, whatcha doin? dieting?" hahahahahaha...ok...he didn't say that but thats what I heard! He said something about me measuring my goods, but regardless...I'm so embarrassed!!!!!! I mean it's one thing for me to have it measured out, on my plate but my condiments were still in the measuring spoons!!!! ugh...the last thing I need is for PB's mom to start another diet discussion...hihihihi...as if I don't have those enough with myself/bf/mother...I guess what really bothered me though is that I've never publicily anounced that I'm ashamed of my weight....I like to eat and unfortunately Im not good at monitoring my intake however I also hate how often dieting is discussed. I leave that for immediate family only, so having PB's bro see that I am obviously watching what I eat, mortified me!

Alrighty, thats enough funky goodness for a day....

Funkiness adieu!

Alright peeps...I think I'm out of this funk!!!! I feel unbelievably motivated/positive today, perhaps because I'm finally back down to 180. That feels so good...

I LOVE dipped strawberries..so...since the Farmers Market had 5 lbs for 5 dollars, I figured thats a great steal! Anyways, I decided that every night...as a splurge, plus night time eating is still a issue of mine, that I would have 3 or 4 dipped strawberries. Now, a cup of chocolate morsels had approx 1200 cals but divided by 17 strawberries thats approx 71 calories per one....I can work that into my daily caloric needs.

I joined SparkPeople 2 days ago, and went through the entire Diet Profile thing and they put my daily caloric needs btw 1800 and 2100 cals. Now thats a min of 400 calories more than I had been eating a few weeks back, however it has only taken me 2 days to lose the 5 lbs I weighed in at Monday morning. Coincidence? Perhaps. Perhaps, however, I had been starving my body. I don't know. It's something to think about.

My 100 Day Challenge hasn't been as great as I wish it were, however I figured it out...I can still make my goal of 39.5 lbs if I lose a little over 3 lbs a week...tough I know, considering I havent yet been able to do that. However, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!

ok, I'm currently watching Oprah. Let my preface this by saying I'm not the biggest fan of Oprah. I hate how she always goes on her rants about losing weight and stuff but she has yet to maintain. I know its hard but stop toting this whole weightloss idea if you yourself aren't willing to maintain. Secondly, I hate how she markets her magazine to the normal crowd but features 500 dollar sheets. Anyways, I digress, she does informative shoes. Todays show was about the atrocities in Africa, Uganda and Sudan. While I was watching this though I felt like my weightloss issues are so trivial compared to the issues going on in this world? I have a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat (hihihi...perhaps too much), and a general peace in my life.

I do have one thing to say though, as atrocious as those things happening in Africa and elsewhere are, I firmly believe we need to look at our own country and the problems we have and change those before tackling others problems. You know, I know it seems cold but I don't believe we can help other people until we can lead by example. Unfortunately, we haven't conquered our own demons, failing public school system, poverty, lack of healthcare. I just wish we paid the same .

I wouldn't have responded like this a few years ago. I attended an elite all girl prep school. I was aware of the poverty of the world, I was an active member of MUN in High School but at the same time I was unaware of the poverty in my own State. Although, I did NOT receive a car on my 16th birthday, it was quite common for the majority of the girls to get a car. The cost of my prom is more than some of my gf have spent on their wedding dresses. I've led a pretty privileged life. During HS my Dad would take my to Super K in Detroit so that my head would deflate. My last year in college though, I volunteered with Jumpstart, a non-profit organization that helps underprivileged preschoolers prepare for "school". Most of these kids already attend preschool, 2 to 3 years behind, imagine how this gets compounded as they continue. Oprah actually did a segment on the school system as well.

Anyways, I worked with kids who were raised by their grandmas, who at a minimum had an 8th grade education, because their mother decided to take off with the bf and the bf didn't want to have to deal with the kid. I had kids who had to miss school in the winter because their cars wouldn't start. Plus, well, these kids knew all about how the back of a cop car looked like. The point being is that this city where I volunteered at is about 10 minutes from my house. The neighborhood isn't even that bad. When the auto industries do bad...everything is bad. It's just bad.

On a lighter note, I went to a WW place today and I'm very, very disappointed. Ill preface by saying perhaps I came at a bad time and should have gone there during walk-in times, however the ladies manning the front desk were extremely rude. I informed them I was interested in becoming a member and would like some info. She just gave me this little pamphlet and that was it. When I tried to ask her questions...she didn't answer them. When I tried to ask if I could speak with the Leader she said she wouldn't be able to give me anymore info then what I had in my hand, the pamphlet. I don't want to assume all locations are like this but it definitely left a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm gonna try one more location, the one in my hometown, and we'll see how that goes.

Exercise wise I didn't get to cardio however I did weights for an hour.
Food wise I consumed 1769 calories and I drank 2.5 L of H2O.

TV shows

What About Brian

Has anyone seen this show? Ok, I'm so glad that there is finally a show on Monday nights that I enjoy. Anyways, I think Marjory has an amazing body. She just looks so tall and lean. WOW...hot.

Ok anyways, it has 3 couples in it and then the token single guy whose trying to find his own mate. Couple A: married since she's been 20 with 3 kids. In the Pilot she suggested that they have an "open" marriage so now in the past 3 episodes you see her attempting to shack it up with most single guys she comes across, her yoga instructor, daughters classmates dad. In this past episode, when she was supposed to have met this dad, her husband comes home so she stands him up only to meet him in the parking lot of the grocery store where they decide to do it in her minivan. Now her husband has been so-so about it. Very upset at first but now when he met this chic at work, I'm sure he's contemplating it. Couple B: Wife is a record label dealer and her husband is model/soccer player maybe. Anyways, they are having fertility issues and since she is already maybe in her late 30's, early 40's she wants to try all these methods of becoming pregnant. The husband vetoes it after he's at the spermbank and he can't do it. She however continues head on with fertility issues just for herself. Couple C: Only became a couple in the pilot when the dude proposed to the girl. HOWEVER, he and the token single guy had decided before to break up with their women so the single guy does and the other one doesn't. Through some freak accident the token single guy realizes that he's in love with the fiancee and they kiss in a closet, so now everything is all effed up.

Why, I'm mentioning this though is that I'm really upset about Couples A open marriage issue. She just says she wants to sleep with other guys but would never leave him because he's the father of her kids and yada yada yada. Ok. Does anyone else have a problem with this? Now, I know that a few Hollywood couples are supposed to have open relationships, the Smiths, but I can't imagine having an open relationship. Honestly, whats the point of being married/together? I couldn't imagine crawling back into bed with PB knowing he had been with someone else. I don't know if this is becoming more of an ok thing or whatever, but I know I'm not the only one in shock. PB has recently found out a few of his friends have not only partaken (partook) in affairs. Ones he never would have thought would do such a thing. Anyways, its sad and makes me very hestitant.


Gilmore Girls

I'm sure most everyone knows its about a mother/daughter relationship. Either way...what the hell has happened to the show?! Today was the first time that I have really enjoyed it again. This past year was crazy...way too many tangents, I mean you had to seriously pay attention otherwise you'd get lost. All the characters have evolved so much...I miss how the show was. Rory was so sweet and motivated. She went to Princeton, became fashionably conscious and a biyatch. Luke has become very, I don't really know what to say, but perhaps feminine. Lane is a waitress..what happened to her music ambitions..I mean yes she's in a band but she's smarter than to play n local band. Lorelei seems to be the only one still the same. SUKI..well, they should have just killed her off! Either way, I'm glad Lane has married and Logan is hurt because now the show isn't as hectic, more coherent.

Thats really all I watch..besides Law and Order...I love ALL Law and Orders. Although it has taken me some time to warm up to Vincent Dinafro (sp?).

Oh, and why has all of Rory's exboyfriends now received their own show...Dean--Supernatural, Jesse---Bedford Diaries??

On the diet front:
Today was good, better. I was down a considerable amount of poundage but I still feel like I'm trudging along. Is that normal? Am I expecting losing weight/changing eating habits to be this huge,exciting thing? I know it's not, I'm really just taking it meal by meal. I'm trying not to overthink, plan but still have a basic idea of what I plan on making.I have decided to attend a WW meeting tomorrow...just to see. Gather some info. I'm really torn though. I know it's possible both ways to lose weight, on program or by yourself. I just dunno...I don't know...I feel like I'm beating the horse to death, it is what it is, and tomorrow is another day.

Which path to chose?!

WARNING: This may appear whiney

I havent been very talkative since Saturdays weigh-in. After that, I decided to take a break from it all...hahaha, I know as if I hadn't been on a break for most of the week, but I'm tired.

I enjoyed the rest of the weekend, eating whatever and just not stressing. Needless to say the scale didn't smile at me today, but whatever. I've been on track today. Had my Kashi breakfest and now my scramby egg lunch. Still nursing the first bottle of h20 for today though.

I'm just frustrated. Now that I think about it, it's probably been bothering me since my Chinese Buffet dinner before Easter and I'm just now dealing with it. Not intentionally, I guess I never realized it was still bothering me. Friday night, I think, broke the camels back. PB had a going away party for a colleague of his (no big deal) as well as birthday party for a friend. This friend however lives in Canada and the farewell party was held about 2 hours from there. Yes, I live super close to the border of Canada and have been going over there since I was 19 (the legal age to drink in Canada, eh). Needless to say my 21st birthday wasn't all that exciting but thats not the point. The point is, at this farewell party there were a lot of bigwigs from the company and we agreed that it would be a good time to network with some of them. PB is unbeliavebly good at what he does.

Both of us underestimated time. The farewell party started at 7, and we had planned for PB to leave at 9 but the party didn't start getting good until 9:30. Come 10/10:30 and I still hadnt heard from him I was getting a little impatient but above all I wasnt in the mood to go out, so I called and told him he should just stay there and cancel on his buddy. No, we HAVE to go to Canada because his buddy has been calling him nonstop. Ok, whatever we go. I'm in a grouchy mood cuz now I'm tired, plus feeling fat from the dinner, he's upset because he made dual commitments and the BIG boss didn't show up until right about the time when he left. So, needless to say neither of us are really happy at this point.

We finally arrive at this persons house, and I'm expecting us to head out to the club, immediately! Well, no that doesnt happen. We stand around and chit chat. Mind you, these are all of PB's old friends/colleagues and I'm not the most outgoing person so I stood there. Tried to join in on conversation but no, I don't find the Trailer Park boys that entertaining. Ill watch it when PB does but I definately couldn't quote it for you. Plus, the only other chics there only spoke Polish. That which I don't. So, now I'm mad.

Mad at the fact that PB has known Ive been wanting to go dancing FOREVER. He hasn't made it a priority for us to go. The underlying issue in all of my complaints is that I need to assert my needs. Yes, I realize we are super busy and we only go out once a week and that severly limits what we can do but now my general incontentment is not helping my weight problems (could this perhaps be emotional eating?). I don't want to blame the age difference (there is a 7 yr age difference between us but you couldnt really tell...i act older and he acts younger so it counter balances however most of his buddies arent into the whole partying scene anymore) but the reality is his buddies would prefer to sit around play Texas Hold'em and drink. Not that I don't mind that but since we only go out once a week, I don't want it to be sitting inside playing cards! Unfortunately none of my girlfriends go out anymore either because they are all married with kids!

It might seem like I'm blaming PB, I'm not. It's me, it's just that I had had enough. I don't say what I NEED. I put everyone elses needs ahead of mine. I do this and that when I can't do anymore. The saying "you gotta take care of yourself before yu can take care of otehrs" I don't really do much for myself. Then again I was never shown how, my mom doesnt my grandma didnt. Part of the problem is, I don't know what I can do for myself to satsify those needs. Being skinny won't solve the problem, although it sure will take part of the load off. Buying stuff won't solve the problem.

So, thast where I am...not really quite sure where to go or what to do. PB mentioned his buddy who does WW At Work has now lost 20 lbs in approx 6 weeks. We've been tossing the idea around for a while now...I found out this weekend that both of his parents are life timers, so thats gotta say something. I've been scouring the message boards and a lot of peeps seem to be doing well on it. I just dont know if thats the solution for me/us.

I feel like I lack the support. PB and I both have our days where we are strong together, where one of us is strong or where neither of us are. When we both are strong, its great! I mean we both lose wieght and its dandy. When one of us falters, its easy for the other one to bring us down and when we both are down...well...screw that, all of our hard work gets undone in a matter of hours/days. Perhaps, the problem is we only keep it to ourselves. My mom knows we are constantly dieting but she herself isnt the pillar of great eating so I cant rely on her. I'd rather not include his parents because well losing weight is to me at least, somewhat of a private thing. If I do great on it, well cool but if I don't well I dont know if I want them to know. They mentioned all these engagements we have to attend this summer and I'm already dreading them. Dreading being fat. The fattest one. I HATE being the fattest one. It's like an elephant in china store, it doesn't belong there!

I've done way too much thinking today but maybe this "journey" is just doing it. Not thinking about it. Moving along, I felt unbelievably numb to all of it today. I ate decently, had about 1400 calories, but I'm like detached from my body. Does anyone ever feel that way? I never did drugs but i can only imagine that this is what it may feel like.

wwwhhheeewwww...this has been long and I'll prolly get a call from my mother saying how i'm too negative but teh reality is...these things could be the very things that are holding me back from breaking tpast the damn 180's! From getting into that next realm of consistent and healthy weightloss. so for all of you who have beared with me, muchas gracias!

Weigh-In Number 4 for April

Ok, I'm really PO'ed at myself. Everything was cool until dinner last night where we had Chinese take-out. I justified eating it because I knew we were going out and I figured I would work it off but plans changed. I can't blame my weightloss just on last night. It's been an entire not so great week. Today is a new day.

Blog Title

Don't have much to say. Today was considerably better than yesterday still not OT but getting closer. After my morning blog session, I didn't get back on until 4:10 so during the day I was only on for an 1.5 hr. Still longer than I should be but it's a start. After running some errands, I came back and tackled the front yard. I need the yard to be perfect before the power washers come next Wednesday because after that I'm tackling the landscaping.

I figured though that I would delve into my title. It's German for Through Thick (Fat) and Thin. I chose this particular title because I feel its a good reflection of where I want my life to head. I have spent most of my life always thinking I was "fat" until my affirmations finally came through last fall when I realized I weighed 194. Since then I am trying to get back to my "thin" me. I'm no even quite sure where my "thin" me is. By that I mean at what weight will I think myself to be thin enough. I've chosen 136 because well my best friend weighed that and I liked how she looked. I'm not so sure if I want to look like that anymore. My "thin" has definitely evolved the past few years. I guess along the way, I've accepted myself more. Accepted the fact that my large bone structure won't ever let me appear like a Nicole Richie/Paris Hilton waif. It's just not gonna happen. I have square shoulders, wider hips..Definitely an hour glass. I should be so lucky to slim myself down to a Penelope Cruz, Shakira type body and I'm so cool with that, that thats what I now want.

Another thing though is negativity, Michelle did a great post on it today. I've not only been on the receiving end of negativity but also on the giving end. My family has always been good about supporting weight loss however it seems to never be enough. Yet, when a friend loses a certain amount of weight we are always supportive but when it comes to within family, we are always so critical. The last time I lost a substantial amount of weight I was 19. I got down to the lowest weight I can remember, I think I was around 140. Yes, I wasn't rail thin but looking back now I'm amazed at how thin I was, yet my Oma still told me...lose a few more lbs, your almost back to your figure you had when we went to Spain (I was either 14 or 16). But I remember being in Spain and being told to eat less, don't eat this, don't eat that. It's horrible. Two years ago when my mom lost a substantial amount of weight..she was in her 180's then, I was critical. Oh no, you haven't lost that much, when in reality she had lost over 20 lbs. I never complimented her. She gained it back, all of it. It's just this horrible cycle we do upon ourselves and it has to stop.

With that I'm going to end this post and try to be a better daughter/friend/person.

Lack of Steam

My determination to stay on track on Tuesday crashed violently after lunch when I decided it was time to raid the Easter baskets. It continued well into the evening. I asked P.B. to hide the rest of the candy and when I woke up today it was gone. Thank frickin God.

But, I've decided this. I've become lazy. I spend entirely too much time on the computer and this is perhaps getting in the way of stuff. Is the computer sucking up my steam?! I do the scheduled cleaning I have for every day but besides that I've become slack. I have a basketful of clothes that needs to be ironed (yes, I iron clothes including underwear and towels. they just feel better after being ironed) I need to clean my winter shoes and put them away. There is an endless list of shit that needs to get done that isn't getting done. I think this "laziness" is now seeping into other areas as well...

Now, I haven't worked out since Thursday night. I see my legs getting flabby yet I just couldn't get the energy to workout yesterday. I was ssoo tired at 6. Wonder if the candy induced the sleepiness. Today I MUST workout I don't want an overall gain for the week. I'd like a loss but that's not realistic, so a maintain will do. I'm already mentally prepping myself for a maintain. Isn't that lame that I have to prep myself for a maintain? It's not even about the weight, I mean it is, but for the past couple of weeks I was doing such a good job of working out. It became habit and now I feel like its undoing itself. I NEED exercise to become a habit.

Michelle is doing so great on her 100 Day Challenge, and I should be getting motivation off of that but realistically it's not happening. I mean yeah its cool to read about others success but there is only so much of that that helps your own weight loss.

P.B.'s work recently started a WW program at work. I don't know the specifics but I know P.B.'s Dad has it at his work and he loves it. He loved it so much he got his wife hooked so now they have been trying to get us started. Well, until recently we did the S.B. diet but I've recently decided that if I want this to be something I do for the rest of my life I need to incorporate foods which I can live with the rest of my life. Like I stated before, a lot of my recipes come from the S.B. cookbooks but I'm also using other cookbooks as well. I eat cereal every day so in my opinion my "diet" is more livable. I digress, so P.B. has coworker who joined and he's lost 6 to 8 lbs so far. Now P.B. is all gung ho about WW. So, I checked out the WW Online and it seems awfully expensive. Now I know there are a buttload of peeps out there that swear by WW so if any of you would drop a comment and give me some info on what you think about it, that would be really appreciated! A lot of the blogs I read are peeps who are doing WW and lose a decent amount of weight if they follow the program so obviously the program works. Plus, I wonder if I do the on-line version and don't go to meetings, will I lose the same amount of weight? In my experience, most programs work IF you follow their guidelines. I try to tell PB that too...any program works IF you follow it. PB doesn't have the greatest track record when it comes to following any particular diet for a specific time, and this just seems to be too much money to just on and off again do.

I mentioned Easter was great however we have all these left overs. I do this quite frequently. I assume my family eats more than we actually do. Part of me thinks its because at one point we did eat more so now I'm still preparing meals at that level. But, times when I have cut back and made smaller portions was when others would have liked more and I think it's rude when you go to someones house and they offer you the bare minimum. Dunno, but I need to figure it out because we have a ton of delicious food which I don't want to throw away but I don't want to eat it either!

Today has been better food wise. Still not great but considerably better than the past few days. I'm still overindulging in food. Nothing sweet in particular but food in general.

I'm about to go workout so I did it. 45 mins of it. YEAH!!!!!!! I also drank 2 L today. Today wasn't bad but tomorrow will be better.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

Happy Birthday to Michelle!!!!

I can't believe I'm 24. WOW...it was a great day. We didn't really do too much but I realized how lucky I am. I am so thankful for an amazing family! Money was tight this year for my mom but she still made sure to think of me when she bought my presents. And then P.B., well, he's just great! It was amazing. There really aren't another group of people I could imagine spending an entire weekend with and not getting sick of them. Plus, we never run out of things to say. And, we play couples badminton. Ok, perhaps it's not exercising at level 8 exertion level however it's definitely better than none!

However, I'm done eating whatever I want whenever I want. It was "fun" but I'm ready to eat healthy again and in moderation. It'll be a while before there'll be another eating fest. Which, why are all the holidays just a few month's apart and then for the next 6 month's, nada zip zilch? Couldn't they have been spread apart every 2 month's or so? But, maybe this is better, now I have the entire summer to focus on my weight loss. Only 89 more days left in the 100 day Challenge and I still have 39.5 lbs left to lose!

I hate kids, ALL kids

It's still a loss, but I'm still somewhat weird about all of it last night. I want to say under normal circumstances I'd be ok, but I've decided from now on I will only put food into my mouth that makes me feel good!!!! I don't feel good about what I ate last night. I'm still grossed out about the whole situation. UPDATE: ok, after I saved the post I felt considerably better. Not quite sure if it had to do with the fact that I declared I would change my behavior or that I used this as an outlet but I was able to let go of the whole thing.

I cancelled my hair appt for today because I didn't get half the stuff done I needed to yesterday. Plus, then we have this birthday party today which I'm dreading. I'm not the biggest fan of kids. I find 95% of all babies ugly, and little kids..well I just don't have the nerves for them. This party will be comprised of mostly P.B.'s friends, most of whom are married and are having/trying to have kids. P.B. And I aren't married nor do we really plan on doing it anytime soon, both of us want to travel and see the world before anything happens. I mean, marriage I can handle, but kids?! Oh my god, they are at least a 18 year responsibility. I don't even like having a 2 year cell phone contract and you want me to sign away 18 years of my life?!

Whenever we all get together at these gatherings, not only am I asked when we are finally going to get married (we've been together the longest out of all of his "dating" friends, and we've been together for 3 yrs, and the only ones left not married) but recently "how many kids do you guys plan on having" is now also being asked. Ok, peeps, I'm not normally traditional however I DO believe you should be married before you have kids so PLEASE don't fricken ask me how many I plan on having when I haven't mastered the whole marriage thing yet. But no, that's not really the worse part, the worse part is that some 1 year old has the show. What I mean by that is...it's not like we can converse with it?! It doesn't do any nifty tricks, it's nothing most of us haven't already seen. Yet all the attention is focused on this being. Then all the other moms start showing off what their kids can do, and I understand that your life has become your kids but honestly I don't care. I care about how your doing. So, an afternoon/evening has been spent watching a 1 yr old smash her face into her cake and do other random shit. I'm not angry or bitter, most likely my views will change when I'm older and ready for kids, but right now..NO I DO NOT WANT TO HOLD YOUR DAMN CHILD! Update: Ok, it wasn't that bad. One of the girls that showed up just got engaged while on a cruise so I spent the majority of the time talking to her and that was fun. Who doesn't like talking about planning a wedding?!

seriously, this started years ago..when I was in HS I remember standing in line. A child was in the cart before me and an elderly lady was standing behind. So, the lady behind starts cooing to the child meanwhile I'm freaking out that she may cut in line. So then she starts talking to me, now I'm even more worried she may try to cut in line, about how cute the child is. Not trying to be mean I just shrug it off, but now she is getting persistent so I go on to say that I don't like kids. Now, she probably thinks I'm a baby killer or something, but HELLO I'm frickin 16, what do you want from me?! Since then, I've had a general dislike for all kids. EXCEPT....for my friends baby. Ok, he's turning 1 in May. The first time I "hung" out with him was in October and November, and I mean it was ok. Well, 2 weeks ago I saw him again and oh my god....he's become a really cute baby. On top of that, he's happy!!! I mean genuinely happy. He even smiles when he sees me...NO KID EVER SMILES when they see me. They must smell the babies I eat for breakfast...;) So, maybe I am slowly crossing over to the dark side.

Easter was great. We went to this nice buffet we always go to for Easter and Mothers Day. My family and I are always amazed at how fast some people eat. They don't even enjoy the atmosphere. If anything, that's the best part. Per person its approximately $40 it includes unlimited buffet, drinks including mimosas (yeah, yeah!!) so we try to spend as much time as possible there (even supposedly there is a 2 hr table limit however we stayed 3). No seriously, I mean there were some people who came after us and left WAY before us. We normally only go twice a year, and all we want to do is enjoy the atmosphere, food and each other. This girl next to us came back from the buffet and sat at the wrong table. She didn't even realize that a) a chair was missing b) the chair she was sitting in didn't have her coat hanging off the back of it c) none of her families drinks were on the table. I mean, HELLO, how can you NOT notice that your at the wrong table?! It wasn't until her sister came back and went over to her that she was "aware" of the fact that she was at the wrong table.

I had way too much candy. I mean I went sick to bed. I can't remember the last time I went to bed SICK cuz I had overdosed on chocolate. I had us sitting outside in the freezing cold because that is exactly what I had wanted for us to happen on Easter. HAHAHA...it was fun, Just a little chilly.

Hope everyone had a great Easter!

Weigh In Number 3 for April

Chinese Buffet

ok. I'm contemplating whether or not to post my weight for today. Part of me wants to because I show a loss and as of tonight, "Easter" begins and so does a weekend relaxed eating. Part of me however is concerned that if I do post it now, that I'll let ALL inhibitions out the window. I'm at a point now where I know I might not eat accordingly (ie the night we went to Macaroni Grille) however I know that the next meal I can pick up where I left off. Yet, I still want to show a loss for this week. I'm torn.....

Besides that, we have a full day of house stuff to do..We've already put on another coat of primer, at 4 we are painting the ceiling and probably at 10 we are either putting on another coat to the ceiling or we are painting the walls. We also have to finish our Easter weekend shopping, I don't have the time tomorrow to do that. First, a hair appointment and then we have a 1st birthday party.

I was very proud of myself for working out yesterday. I was exhausted but I MUST. I WANT to workout. It's something I am doing for myself.

P.B.'s brother came by while we were putting on our first coat, so upon his arrival things got a little sidetracked, needless to say we had lunch before we headed to the tile shop where we spent a good 2 hours finding a tile. We left with nothing, poor P.B. is all sad, however in 10 days we should have our stuff. After that we went to Lowe's and picked up the patio set I had finally found, after 2 years of looking for something in our budget!!! It is unbelievably nice! So upon setting everything up, it was already 7:30. We had originally intended to go to Red Lobster but then agreed that by the time we all showered and got ready we wouldn't get there before 9:30 so P.B. mentioned he wanted Shrimp Fried Rice. I half-heartedly agreed to try out this new place.

The place showed some potential since the parking lot was full. However, my first warning sign should have been the drive thru they had. Who has a drive thru at a restaurant? I mean, I've heard of Curb-Side To Go, but a frickin drive thru. We should have left the minute I saw the Buffet. Ok, I HATE Buffets. If anything is responsible for the epidemic for fatness is America, its those fffffers. This is going to sound very harsh and perhaps fat-ist however there was nothing but extremely overweight people there. Buffet food is just bad for you. I mean those horrible yellow lights, everything is deep fried, then its swimming in a sauce that is probably full of sugar and on top of that is layer of oil/fat. It's just plain NOT good for you. Anyways, we stick it out and ask for menus. I honestly tried to make a healthy choice, I chose Chili Shrimp. It sucked. It sucked so bad I started crying. Crying because I didn't stand up for myself and say No I didn't want to try out this new place but would have preferred to have gone to the one 15 minutes away. Because I "wasted" calories, I would have much more enjoyed a McFish (I don't think I consumed that many calories since I ended up only fishing out the shrimp). Because, I'm making a conscious effort to choose healthy food and this place just wasn't healthy. You know those dingy places you see on TV that supposed drug addicts go to when they hit rock bottom? This is exactly the same type of place but for fat people. Because I will probably show a tiny loss or even tiny gain tomorrow. But above all I'm upset because I let a perfectly good day be ruined by some crappy food. I should mention a weight gain may happen not because of the chinese but because of the grilled cheese and chips we had for lunch or even the chips I chose as a snack.

It's 11:45 now, we've just finished coloring our eggs. I didn't get to exercise and I feel like I've taken 2 steps backward in this whole journey. I should be at least 2 steps ahead.

Today I've eaten:
B: 1/2 c. egg beaters + 1 sl. jalapeno cheese + 1 sl. sourdough bread + 2 tbsp jelly + 2 tbsp creamer (352)
L: 2 grilled cheese sandwiches + sunchips
S: some chips
D: hot and sour soup + shrimp + rice

Total: beats me
H20: 1.5 L
Exercise: zilch

Target

ok, so I showed a slight gain (+1) today but I'm surprisingly 'ok' about it. I know I had a heavier dinner than normally...I'll just workout a little harder today, maybe drink an extra liter and make sure nothing else gets sneaked in. I WILL NOT LET IT DERAIL ME!!!

but on to Target, I had to pick up my brother at 10:45 today since my mom has to work and he's off for Easter. I still had to get his Easter stuff as well as P.B.'s so I had to go to Target before then. I make sure to be at Target at 9 AM, thinking thats when they open. Oh no, they open at 8 and on top of that...the parking lot is PACKED. umm...what the hell are all these non-working people up already for?! ok, I admit I start off my day slow, it doesn't really start until after the Today show but I overheard this pair of gf's talking about their morning and I feel like such a L.O.S.E.R. This one lady had already had breakfast, worked out, cleaned her house, taken her dog to the vet and now was finishing up her Easter shopping. Um...lemme see...I got up at 8, had breakfast and my coffee, blogged a lil bit and then got dressed to be at Target at 9. HOLY MOLY!! I remember the days when I worked 8 hrs, went to classes and then still went out and partied! Ha! Now, I'm in bed by 11 and sleep till 8!

It's beautiful today. Days like these get rid of all the nasty winter blues. Even though winter wasn't that bad this year (knock on wood). It was more cold than snowy. I can handle that, this weather really makes we want to be able to wear shorts this summer. So, the more time I spend outside the less time I have to be up to no good in the house. is that the secret of skinny people? they keep themselves so damn busy they don't have time to eat and when they do finally sit down they are too tired to eat?! never thought id say i'm too tired too eat but damn the sun and yard are kicking my ass!!

today i've eaten:
b: 1 c. kashi go lean crunch + 1/2 c. 1% milk + 2 tbsp s.f. creamer (271)
l: leftover pasta + 1 s.f. pudding (457)
s: 1 babybel (70)
d: teriyaki salmon + chinese broccoli (479)
d: 100 calorie bag popcorn (100)

Total: 1378
h20: 3.5 liters
exercise: 45 min elliptical machine + 15 mins bike

Easter Decorations and Shakira

Ok peeps...is NO ONE into decorating anymore? My mom and I went on a placemat scavenger hunt today!

My mom saw ones in the Marshall Field's advertisement on Sunday and decided she HAD to have them. She goes to the M.F. by her house. The sales lady supposedly was shocked that my mom was the second one that had asked about them today but needless to say they didn't receive any this year and she should check out the other 2 M.F.'s that still supposedly have some. My mom's P.I.S.S.E.D. She took this day off to finalize Easter preparations, she even got there at 11 (mind you her day doesn't typically start until noon) so now she feels like she has wasted the day. She even broke her Lenten promise of not going on the computer during the day so that she could vent to me. Ok, so I suggest she come over to my place and we'll go to the one by my house, which is still about 18 miles from my house. Anyways, she drives the 20 miles to my house where we then take my car and drive the 18 to this M.F. My mom's LIVID at this point. I don't even go near her when she is asking the sales lady about the Easter placemats for fear of what may happen. The S.L. acts like she has no clue what we are talking about so my mom says they were in Sundays advertisement so a 2nd lady who was standing there says "We aren't open on Sunday. It's Easter!" Oh my god, I thought my mom was gonna body slam this little old lady. The S.L. lady informs her, that this location does not have any but the one 50 miles away does. What do we do? You betcha...we drive there. Lo and behold, they have the MOST Easter decorations out of all 3 stores, however that doesn't really say much...it was a measly collection. They do have the placemats but they aren't as cute as she expected them to be. They did have these other ones with Easter eggs on 'em, but there was only 1 left. She ended up buying just plain yellow ones. cute and multi-functional. I won't even go into her Yankee candle story....

My point is though, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STORES SEASONAL STOCK not including Christmas and Halloween?! I mean seriously, I remember when I was little and you could find the cutest seasonal decorations at Hudson's and Hallmark. Now, neither carry any unique decorations, let alone china! Pottery Barn had some cute egg plates which I bought but besides that. NADA. ZILCH. I'm definitely not like my Mom that goes all out on seasonal decoration however I do like to have a few unique pieces that add a little flare during the holiday. Target has some OK stuff but not anything that I L.O.V.E.

Also, if there is such a high demand for Easter placemats, doesn't some bean counter out there realize this and is able to create more product for us?!

Speaking of employees, while I was at Pottery Barn I was contemplating whether or not I should buy two sets of Easter plates. There are only 4 to a set. Guess what the sales lady said to me? "WELL, you can always buy another set after Easter. There half off." Ok Lady, maybe I should just wait till after Easter then to buy this set! Geez...I mean...what does that say about Pottery Barn. Granted, Ill be the first one to admit I go there the day after a holiday because they do tend to carry a lot of stock and who doesn't love P.B. stuff half off?! But to say that to a paying customer? Honestly, having them a day AFTER Easter isn't going to help me if I need them FOR Easter.

so...I love holidays! They are always so calm and peaceful. NEVER stressful!

So, has anyone heard the new Shakira single, Hips Don't Lie? Supposedly its on Oral Fixation 2, however I have it and it's NOT on there? Is it a hidden track? Did she release 2 versions of the CD? Anybody, HELP!!!!!!!

My food for today:
B: 1 c Kashi Go Lean Crunch + 1/2 c 1% milk (241)
L: left over pork chop + 1 cucumber + 1/2 tbsp olive oil + 1 jello pudding (372)
S: 100 calorie pack of popcorn (100)
D: oy vey...went out...had some bread with olive oil + fried calamari + half a pasta dish (1000+)
Total: around 2000 calories..not really quite sure

h20: 3 liters
exercise: 30 min elliptical
30 min bike

This one is more for my benefit than anyone else's

(Imagine Daniel Powter's "I had a Bad Day" is playing)

I didn't really want to broadcast this, but lets be honest, if I don't I'm lying to myself. After I posted last night, I also had a smore, s.f. pudding, a Twix and a bowl of ice cream. I'm assuming that I was well into the 2,000 calorie range after this. I had some familial drama which just pushed me over the edge. Not an excuse but I tried talking about it to the involved person but she just didn't see my view point and even though I had gotten it off of my chest, it didn't feel any better.

So, I woke up this morning grouchy. Still am. However, upon weighing myself I saw I was back in the 70's!!!!!! So, now I'm motivated to have a healthy eating day with no binges. Especially since there is a bag of candy sitting in my dining room just waiting to be put in easter baskets.

I just feel blah. I'm no further than I was a year ago. I think I weighed around 182 last April for my birthday. I had gained 10 lbs in a 3 week period because of finals and such. I then gained another 12 while in Spain over the summer. It's all just so depressing. Yes, I'm down about 15 lbs since August but it seems so miniscule..it's still (in my eyes) a long weigh to go. I'm trying not to look too far down the road and only focus on today and tomorrow but somewhere in the back of my mind I know the stretch is still a ways to go. If I could only be in the 60's right now. I'm still chubby at that weight but that seems so much better right now than the high 70's.

I'm tired of being unemployed. I'm tired of sending out endless amount of resumes and only hearing back from 1/16th of them and then upon hours of interviews hearing "You just don't have enough experience." I thought it would always be fun to be a stay at home gf. It's not, my cash flow is limited and I like to spend. Not just on myself, but on others, the house and a second income would make that more doable. Please, don't get me wrong, we have a very comfy life. Extra money never hurts though.

It's not just that I wish we had more money but I HATE the tone some people use when asking me if I have a job yet. It's like they are implying I'm too lazy to find one. and that I sit around all day and eat bonbons. GODDAMNIT people, the job market is tough, especially in Michigan where there is a 15% unemployment rate and more layoffs are expected. But keeping this house clean and stuff is a full time job. I'm already wondering how thats gonna be possible upon me going to work. Plus, I cook every night and lordy..its time consuming. I'm in the kitchen from 5:30 to 8 easily between prepping and cleaning up. I know a lot of of people go to work, workout, and keep a house but I dunno.

The day got a little better..I was still under weather but that changed a little bit after finally working out. Food was good today. A lot of weight is being lost out there in the blogesphere so that makes me want to step up my game.

It was just one of those days...tomorrow will be better

Food:
B: 1 c. Kashi Go Lean Crunch + 1/2 c. 1% milk + 2 tbsp creamer (271)
L: 1 sm. Wendys chili + 1 side Caesar salad (420)
S: 1 c. edamame (200)
D: 1/2 c. liquid egg substitute + 1 sm. potato + 3/4 c. spinach souffle + 2 tomato + 1 tbsp olive oil (438)
D: 1 s.f. jello pudding (60)

Total: 1390 and there will be NO post-posting snacking
H20: 4 L
Exercise: 1 hr of ellipticizing

Milky Way and some other random stuff

Ok, so Friday night while I was working out I was watching TV and I saw this commercial:

A date has ended and the man goes to drop off his date, and she doesn't let him in her house. He goes back to his car and sits there, eventually he opens the glove compartment and pulls out a MilkyWay. He opens it, and the exposed part of the bar is a woman. She says something, and the commercial ends with "Comfort in every bar"

Ummm....ok. I'm really upset about this commercial.

McDonald's has taken the fall for the entire fast food/junk industry. Yes, perhaps McDonald's food could have been fried in healthier oil but come one people...its fried! You can't really tell me that you expect it to be healthy. Thanks to McDonald's a drastic change has been made in the entire fast food industry to create healthier choices. Yet, the critics also have to look at the other outlets that are causing our widespread epidemic! Now, I DEMAND Mars do the same damn thing.

I overheard a friend scold her 1st grader for taking his allowance and secretly buying candy and pop at school. WOW...candy and pop is sold at their school!? And get this, not just in the cafeteria but they have vending machines!!!!! I didn't have vending machines in grade school! Shoot...and do we really wonder why kids younger and younger are becoming fat?!

I don't remember where I saw this, I think it was on the Today show (Katie I'll miss you!!!). It showed a school that allowed the parents to track what their children ate by having the kids use a special paycard where the parents could program in what they could and can't eat. Now if the child was trying to buy an ice cream which the parents had ok'ed or if the ice cream buying became to regular, a STOP would pop up and the lunch lady would have to deny the child the ability to purchase it. Now, I'm not really quite sure how I feel about this, but in theory I think it's a good idea, but then what happens if they have vending machines in their school? I'll say this though, the school that was shown wasn't your run of the mill school, they probably DIDN'T NEED the funding Coke gives if you put a vendibng machine in your school. Now, I don't know if this is how it woks but I can't imagine the school making any money off of having a vending machine in the hall. A pop costs a $1.25 wherever!

It really is something to think about. We can't give all the blame just to McDonald's and it's a shame they had to take the fall for our epidemic. Now, we need to target the others who are still willing to overlook our problem.

Anyways, here are the goals I am setting for myself for this 100 Day Challenge:
1. 3 Liters of H2O
2. Min. 1 hr cardio 5 days a week
3. Weights 5 days a week
4. Calories at around 1400 a day
5. Tracking my food

Food I've eaten today:
B: 1 c. Kashi GoLean Crunch 1/2 c. 1% milk (241)
L: 2 egg omelet with 1/4 pepper, 1/4 c. tomatoes, and some onions + 1/6 c. shredded lowfat cheese + 2 sl. turkey bacon +1/4 tsp olive oil (446)
S: yogurt (60) + about 25 soy chips (165)
D: pork chop with mixed salad (386)
S: about 30 jelly beans (130)

Grand Total: 1428
H20: 3 L
Exercise: 0

Day 2/100

Today hasn't been the greatest day. Not the worst but not the greatest. I didn't have any chocolate so I'd say its quite above bad but I had chips and a french bread pizza.

I didn't quite finish the leaves yesterday so I had to go out and attempt to finish them today. I didn't and I'm already overly sore, BUT I NEED to get this done THIS WEEK. Why? Not really quite sure but I'd like to get it done so that I can have the powerwashers come out soon. So, since I was working outside P.B. was in charge of lunch and even though he too is trying to lose weight, he doesn't put forth much of an effort. It was either French Bread Pizza or Thai Noodles. I opted for 1 French Bread Pizza, although I would have loved another one and then had a yoghurt with it.

For dinner we had home made chinese, but while I was making it I was eating some chips. By this point it had nearly been 5 hours since I had last eaten. Wwwwaaayyyy too long for me to have gone without, I normally eat every 3 hours to prevent binges. Ugh, thats the one thing I hate about weekends, I can't control my eating as well. It's just too damn difficult to try to do stuff as well as cook. I mean the minute I get my groove I have to stop and prepare a meal. I'm not trying to make excuses, I NEED to find a way to combat this. I'm thinking of making meals ahead, like healthy pasta or bean salads for lunches on Saturday and Sundays. Normally, we have turkey or boca burgers for lunch on saturdays. That isn't too bad.

Last night we ate at a Mongolian type of restaurant. I LOVE this place because they offer a fried rice instead of just white. Previously, I used to be able to easily go up 3 or 4 times. Now, I can barely get through a bowl. Ugh...I was so stuffed last night (after a bowl), it hurt. As much as I love going there, its just not worth 12 dollars a bowl. :(

I love my weekends but I love the structure the weekdays give me. This week is gonna be busy, getting ready for Easter, a friends birthday party as well as my birthday. So much needs to get done and there just isn't enough time. I definitely need to really focus on this challenge though. (I DON'T WANT to start off this sentence with IF but I'm going to) If I were to lose the 40 lbs by July 15th, I'd only be 6 lbs away from my ideal weight, and that sort of scares me. I remember once being at 140 and I barely remember it. Not only do I barely remember it, but I was deathly ill for a few days and my bestfriend got mad at her boyfriend for telling me I looked good. Trust me, I didn't like him and he didn't like me. It's scary to think that I could be at my ideal weight this soon.

I don't have the time right now to write down my goals for the 100 day challenge, but I hope to publish it within the day or so.

hope everyone starts off the week without a case of the Mondays....

Day 1/100

ok, so I'm not as happy as I wish I were with my weigh-in. I mean I did lose 2 lbs, that's great right? A healthy amount of weight to be lost however I WANT MORE. DAMNIT! I WANT TO LOSE MORE, FASTER! But then I look back and think "you know, I had quite a few not so great moments, I should be DAMN happy I still was able to lose 2 frickin lbs". Especially since Flo came by (yes, I'm well aware that I said in last Saturday's that I did but I didn't it was a fluke and today I did)

so...this leads me to another insight...my mom. she just "realized" yesterday that she's fat. So, asked her how she came to "realize" this and she said that she "saw" herself for a while. Now, I heard Kirstie Alley say that on Oprah, that she never realized how much she weighed until all the paparazzi started taking her fat shots and then when those were the only pictures making it into the magazines, it hit here. I digress, but I guess my mom "saw" herself while at the hairdresser yesterday. So, she's all upset and wondering how this could of happened since she hasn't been on a binge lately. (sidenote: my mom goes through one of these "i'm fat spells" every 6-8 weeks so I'm pretty used to it by now) Anyways, so I listed all the reasons why she has gained weight, and instead of trying to deny them she agreed, but wanted me to sympathize with her anyways.

I'm torn. Do you sympathize with that? I didn't. Why, do you ask? Because, I'm tired of her knowing what exactly she does wrong but time and time again she does it. She still has this mentality of deserving food for a hard day or this and that, yet I know she sacrifices things daily. We all do, but she doesn't sacrifice the crappy food to make herself feel better. I sympathize with peeps who have a weak moment or didn't lose weight on their weigh in because I know they are trying to change their habits. But my mom, not so much.

so today has been spent mostly outdoors, raking leaves. I'm exhausted but I'm gonna go attack some more, at least for 2 more hours. The weather is beautiful and it would be shameful to sit inside. I doubt I'll exercise but I think raking an acres worth of leaves is enough.

also, I will be participating in Michelle's 100 day challenge. Mine has started today, so Ill be a day behind, but it's all good!

anyways...hope everyone has a fantastic saturday!!

Weigh In Number 2 for April

Non-filling vs Filling Food

So...we ate dinner at Noodles and Co. last night and I didn't really want that (I really wanted a burger and some frys) but we couldn't find a burger joint nor any other sit down restaurant so we decided to just go to Noodles. The entire dinner I'm bitchy, bitchy about the fact that I don't want to be there, bitchy because I decided to eat a salad instead of the Japanese Pan Noodles because P.B. decided he was going to have the Med Salad. Upset because we were primarily hanging out with P.B.'s friends and I'm not the most talkative person when I first meet someone, but it turned out ok. Still half a lb up but I was drinking last night and had Haagen Dasz light upon returning home at 1 am (i know i know i couldnt resist once P.B. brought it into bed) so it's ok. I've still overall lost 2.5 lbs but tomorrow is the real weigh in.

I just finished my bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch and I am FULL. I feel as if I'm stuffed and I only have 1 cup of it with 1/2 a cup of milk. Yesterday, I was looking for breakfast at my moms and all that she has was Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Weight Control Oatmeal - Banana Bread. Ok, normally I would eat the Oatmeal but I can't stand Banana Bread, so I'm totally not having that. So, I opt for the cereal. I had probably a cup with a 1/2 a cup of milk. Now get this...I was still hungry afterwards! Now honestly...I'm not one to tote that cereal fills you up but goddamnit I'M STUFFED after a bowl of Kashi. After yesterdays bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I've decided I want to eat food that satisfies me/fills me up and has a decent amount of calories. I don't want to waste calories on food that doesn't satisfy me.

That is my great break through for the day.

Hope everyone has a great Friday.

Self-Sabotage

I know, this is a topic that has been discussed frequently out there in the bloggesphere, and if I knew how to insert links I'd link up a few posts from others (I know Pink Bunny Foo Foo did one recently) so bear with me.

Anyways, in my last post I mentioned that I saw the glory numbers (the 70s) and I did end the post with "I'm determined to have a loss or even maintain" and YET I immediately start thinking of how I can "reward" myself for this loss. Now I know this thinking gets me in trouble. That is how I gained back the 16 lbs I lost last fall because one day leads to another to a week to a month and WHAM I'm back at 187. I 'm really disappointed with how I acted yesterday but at the same time I knew I was doing it and I'm right now dealing with how I can break out of it. Unfortunately, I can't go out and by myself a new nail polish color or a book to congratulate myself on the loss. I don't achieve the same sense of satisfaction I do if I eat a piece of chocolate or fast food.

So, let me explain my day yesterday to you. I had to bake the cake for our kaffeeklatsch yesterday, and I don't mind. I actually love to bake and in my opinion I don't get to bake enough. I've really struggled figuring out if I should give it up because of the implications that comes with it..having to eat the cake batter, then the cake and every now and then the frosting. But then I realized I don't really bake that often for it to be a problem however yesterday where I had already let my guard down a little I decided that instead of washing it with soap and water I'd just lick it clean. Ok so now I'm mad and decide that while its baking I'll work out, so I jump on the bike and watch tv. What comes on? A Wendy's Spicy Chicken commercial! Oh, I love those suckers!!! I mean I L.O.V.E them! So, now I'm contemplating if I could have one for lunch without creating too much of a caloric plus and if I could possibly squeeze in some extra workout time so that I would make up the difference. Needless to say the rest of the afternoon I am able to avoid all tempting food (at this point I am terrified to leave the house for fear of where my mind may take me and it doesn't help that down the street we have every possible fast food chain) As I'm getting ready I decide to watch the night befores episode of the Gilmore Girls. I'm so disappointed by the episode (but thats a whole nother post) that I remember I have a bag of chips in the cupboard that I decide to eat RIGHT NOW. Ok, I should be fair and say that I was hungry however I could have easily turned my back to the cupboard, opened the fridge and taken out a yogurt but yogurt doesn't go so well with diet pepsi.

I made it to my moms without any incident even though I did have to stop at Slevin, coffee went by great I had 2 slices of marble cake and didnt feel at all guilty about them. Now for dinner, I knew dinner would be dangerous and perhaps for some of you out there you'll think OH MY GAWD...however I am VERY VERY impressed by how I acted.

First off, I have been CRAVING pizza for over a week now, I just hadn't been able to go since we try to only eat out twice a week, once with my mom and then once PB and I and when we go, we normally go to sushi. We decided upon Pizzeria Uno, we shared a Caesar salad as an app (normally we get Greek salad but their's bite ass) we then shared a reg size pizza (I had 2 of the smallest sizes in the panand honestly I was full my tummy said STOP) but then PB wanted the original Cookie Sunday so we ordered that as well but get this?! I had 3, yes you read right, ONLY 3 BITES!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I was so proud of myself I could have done backflips, if I could do them. This was REALLY big for me.

For a couple of reasons: 1) I love dessert. In my book you can't get enough dessert but really I'm not a fan of cookies and in the past that hadn't stopped me I ate and ate some more. 2) I'm really uncomfortable with that uncomfortable feeling of having stuffed myself. I just can't handle it anymore I get so sick and am uncomfortable that I don't want to subject myself to that anymore. 3 and finally) I don't know if I read this in The Thin Commandments or another book or god knows who else but someone suggested you only take 3 bites of the dessert and then put your spoon down and although I had read/heard this a WHILE ago, it popped into my head as I went for my first spoonful. Freaky, eh? I felt like angels were all around me...hihihi....jk but it was pretty weird. PB was shocked too when he noticed that I had put my spoon down he was like "Are you done" and all I said was "Yeah." and he left it at that so that was cool. Then again he only had to share it with one other person then.

And, I'm back on track today. Ya know, I really feel like I "get" it. Not, "get" it completely but I'm definitely a whole hell of a lot closer. It's ok to fall off every now and then BUT it's not ok to turn it into a week/month long binge. I'm sure there is still so much more to learn like how to deal with eating out. Baby steps.

We are going out with some friends whom I haven't seen in a long time tonight, and I'm really anxious. Anxious enough to go into the kitchen and eat some potato chips. I'm anxious because of my weight. I mean everyone has seen me at this weight, however I assume they expect me to have lost weight. Because what bigger person shouldn't want to lose weight, right?! Ugh... I hate this. This happens to me frequently, I become anti-social. I don't meet up with girl friends. It's really ridiculous, and it's nothing I really need to deal with.

anyways, I gotta get ready...talk to you later

Routines

I had a minor binge fest Sunday night; dinner just wasn't satisfying. We had pork roast, with brussel sprouts and tomato/cuke salad so I was craving a smore. For nearly two hours I was able to overcome the urge to NOT eat anything like that but around 10 I went wild. I had 2 Cadbury eggs, half a Reeses Egg, some BBQ chips and FINALLY a smore.

Now this is what I learned from the situation:
I really should have just eaten the smore right away. I tried satisfying that craving by starting off with A egg, but no I wasn't satisfied with that so that led to a second one, thinking maybe this would kill my craving. Nope, so now I had half of P.B.'s reeses egg, but then he caught me and took it away. Upon this he decided to act like Bad Cop, I told him I didn't need his holier than though attitude and went and got chips all the time still receiving disapproving looks. FINALLY, I decided I would make the smore. hhhmmm...Surprisingly, I was satisfied. I sure as hell would have saved myself a hella of a lot of calories had I just eaten the smore.

The weekend went by incredibly fast. We spent the entire weekend working on our bathroom. Saturday we finished putting the drywall up. Then Sunday P.B. mudded and taped. The hard thing about weekends where we work on the house is that, although we plan to eat every 3 hours it rarely happens. P.B. Is like...lemme finish this and then'll we eat..So 45 mins later I'm still pacing the kitchen and scouring the pantry, eating a little of this and a little of that.

The past two days have been great! I've really thrown myself back into my routines, trying to stay away from the computer (it can be so damn addicting) and eaten fairly well. Had a minor binge Monday afternoon even though planned a snack at 3, but the calories couldn't have been more than 300. Also, I'm trying to change my workout time. I typically do it around 10am but hoping that this job pans out a 10am workout wouldn't fit in. Plus, I'm not a morning person so I dunno if I could haul my ass outta bed at 5:30 in the morning to workout, so my only time would be at night. Typically, the day would last till 6 or 7, plus I'd have a 45 min commute so I prolly wouldn't be able to workout before 8:30/9. Now Monday I worked out at 9:30, P.B. wasn't home so it was easier but Tuesday night we decided to veg out in front of the TV. (If anyone out there watches Law and Order: SVU, can you believe Benson wants a new partner?!) Today, Wednesday, I'm working out during the day because I'm going over to my moms this afternoon.

That means 2 things: 1) we'll have coffee and cake at 4 2) we're going out to dinner because my mother doesn't cook. So, this is what I will have to do: 1) be very,very aware of what I eat for coffee. Just because my mom and bro have 4 or 5 pieces DOES NOT mean I need to have that many. 2) if we go anywhere, order something off of the "light" menu. Side note: did anyone watch Primetime a Friday or two ago? They did a segment on the light/Atkin menus at restaurants and how they were off with their caloric info. It was interesting. I mean I never figured it was completely accurate but they also tested the food for other stuff like sodium and it was scary. VERY, VERY scary.

Anyways, I peaked at the scale this morning (ha! I peak at the scale whenever I get a chance, after I pee or whatever so I now wear shoes so that I don't) and I'm in the 70's!!! YAY!!!! So, I'm even more determined to have a loss or at least maintain. Maintaining is just as great as losing. (yes it is, yes it is)

Ok, I hope everyone has a great day!!!!

April 1st's Ticker

It's the 1st of the month.....

I had meant to start of my post with a quote from Courtney Rubins The Weight-Loss Diaries but now I can't find the quote so I'll paraphrase it...for MOST dieters, they look forward to the Monday or the first off the month to start off their diet because it gives them a sense of a new beginning.

I'll be damned if I don't feel the exact same way. However, for me its every weekly weigh-in but today, it being the first of the month. I feel even more hopeful because I know that the past 3 monthes, I've lost 8 lbs, however with 4 of those lbs I've been playing a fun game I like to call "lose and gain the same 4 lbs over and over and over again"

I'm quite optimistic for this month. My goal is 8 lbs. Doable, right? Which much to my mothers chagrin, I requested to NOT have an Easter rabbit in my basket this year. I really don't need to eat a rabbit, one that I won't lke that much anyway but thats all the chocolate that is left in my house.

My weigh-in shows a loss of .5 lb not bad since I woke up to my TOM. I hate using it as an excuse to why I didn't show a loss on Monday and why I've been so sad lately but most likely than not that is what it was.

hope everyone has a successful and fun weekend!